Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Just Because A Brother Dates A Transwoman Doesn't Make Him Gay

One of the tired memes I hear which gets repeated far too often is if a cisgender male dates a transwoman, he's automatically slapped with the 'gay' label.

I saw that crap repeat itself after the recent Tyra show in which Isis was proposed to by her boyfriend Desmond. The homophobic/transphobic negativity instantaneously erupted in the comment threads.

Sounds like some peeps were jealous.

The bottom line is that when we transition, one of the Prime Directives of our WPATH real life tests is that we blend in with society. Being a transperson also doesn't stop our sex drives or the fact that we gotta have it too.

Transwomen need love just like any other person walking Planet Earth. If you haters haven't gotten the memo by now, the stereotype of transwomen looking like NFL linebackers in dresses has long since been thoroughly discredited.

There have been some stunning looking transwomen over the last half century emerge from their cocoons to become beautiful butterflies. If they're hetero oriented in their sexual orientation, they like going out on dates, revel in being in the company of men, getting candy, flowers, chocolate and enjoy getting intimate with them just like any other estrogen based lifeform.

Since the male species that's hetero oriented checks out the beauty first as a prelude to chasing the booty, these transwomen, like any beautiful woman do get attention from the male species. Sometimes it doesn't matter whether we've had the surgery or not when they meet us. If we turn them on, they want to get to know us, and like us enough to want to get intimate with us, then nothing's gonna stop it.

The people that take the time to step to us, aren't 'scurred' of the drama and get to know a transwoman beyond the stereotypes discover we have varied personalities just like our cisgender sisters. We transwomen also realize how much crap you have to deal with just to date us and it's deeply appreciated.

But that doesn't mean just because we have a tough time finding men not 'scurred' to date transwomen you get a free pass to disrespect us. We're also looking for quality men just like our cisgender sisters and not scrubs.

Just because a cisgender guy dates one of us doesn't make him gay. Anybody who holds on to that antiquated thinking needs to go back and retake Sexuality 101. A gay male is attracted to another gay male. Generally they aren't interested for the most part in having relationships with transwomen, but after almost thirty years of observing the TLBG community I've seen some interesting couplings.

You also never know what a person likes to do in the bedroom once the door is closed, and it's nobody's business if that person likes a transwoman who just happens to have a neoclit in her panties. Love is funny that way.

If two people find that type of deep committed love and want to stay together for the rest of their lives, then what's wrong with that?

It's hard enough for a transwoman, be she straight or lesbian to find love. Are we supposed to let plumbing issues get in the way if we have found our soul mate and he doesn't care about it? I think not.


Diojeanne of Signup said...

Hey, there are plenty of "estrogen-based lifeforms" who are no more interested in having a man in their bed than... okay, that metaphor wasn't going anywhere, I guess... But still, not every girl (trans or otherwise) is looking for one of those testosterone-buckets. :'P


Hey there Monica!!

I am so happy that you have blown the trumpet on that foolishness! I have been listening to those fears from heterosexual men for years and years... they don't want to be seen as gay for dating a transwoman!

However... {loooong sigh}

If a man is in a sexual relationship with a person who has MALE anatomy then isn't it homosexual sex since two male organs are involved? This is the dilemma I face.

If a man is sexually involved with a transwoman who does not have male anatomy, then that is one thing... if a man is involved with a person with male anatomy then it's NOT heterosexual sex even though the couple identifies as a male/female couple.

Just my two cents.

What do you think?

VĂ©ro B said...

One of the tired memes I hear which gets repeated far too often is if a cisgender male dates a transwoman, he's automatically slapped with the 'gay' label.

Far too many people will never consider us women, even when we are post-op. I've seen the nasty comments. So if someone thinks that way, in their minds a cis man who dates a trans woman must be gay.

Big sigh. We know trans women are women, and lot of cis people do as well, but the ones who don't will probably never learn.

Monica Roberts said...

I know. I didn't feel the need to state the obvious.

If a man is in a sexual relationship with a person who has MALE anatomy then isn't it homosexual sex since two male organs are involved? This is the dilemma I face.

I'm more focused on the people involved and their declared sexual orientation, not the genitalia in their drawers.

genevieve said...

Great post, Monica. You said it all so well.

sparkle said...

as always, a wonderfully insightful and informative post! your blog makes me stand a bit taller every time i read it. kudos, sis!

rioTgirl said...

I hear the question from guys all the time. "I like you, does this make me gay?"

I have two answers to that question:

1) Does it matter if you are?
2) Do you think of me as a man with breasts, or a woman with a penis?

The homophobia attached to this even being a question is a little problematic for me. I was a very out, very proud, very visible "gay guy" for a number of years. So I don't feel the need to even potentially disrespect my former lovers/friends with a simple dismissive "No honey you are sooo way hetero.

whatsername said...

It reminds me of that case last year of the US soldier who was killed by...I think it was other military guys...when they found out he was dating a transwoman who performed nearby the base. The way that all got wrapped up into a hate crime investigation...not for transphobia but homophobia. :\

Anonymous Woman said...

Blow the Trumpet...

Since you asked, i'll tell you. You're flat-out wrong.

And to make a point in rebuttal for all straight men out there (like my boyfriend) who have the courage to date a trans woman, i'll relent something personal.

We work around the issue and ignore it completely, and will do so until my surgery is complete and there is no issue to ignore. Subtle enough?

To quote my BF when he answers the gay question with family, 'I love her for her, despite what's between her legs'.

The jacked-up hysterical activist backlash with 'why does it matter if they were gay' is non-sense.

It does matter, because if the man were gay, it would being telling the family that he had been keeping a secret for most of his life, and that they didn't know him as fully as they thought they did.

My boyfriend affirming his straight status is letting them know that he's the same man they've always known.

He just, in his words, has a little looser definition of what a woman is, compared to someone like a fundamentalist.

Diojeanne of Signup said...

Sorry, I know you're aware of lesbians etc... I just wanted an excuse to type "estrogen-based lifeforms." It's fun.

Monica Roberts said...

Okay. ;)

Monica Roberts said...

You're referring to Barry Winchell and Calpernia Addams.

It led to the movie 'Soldier's Girl'

Sara said...

I actually thing homophobia is the origin point of transphobia. The reason why is that heterosexual men, who don't really worry that they are heterosexual, when attracted to at trans woman, suddenly question their sexuality. If sexuality dealt merely with what was between the legs, we would be asexual in a society where we all where clothes, since that information is mostly kept private. At any rate I just felt like sticking my two cents in.

The gay not gay thing does affect us trans women too. I wouldn't be any more comfortable if a gay man were attracted to me, than if a straight woman were, unless they were feeling bi curious. It'd be pretty painful to get this far and still be appreciated the wrong way.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous T;
I am glad to see someone here knows it does matter.


Whit said...

Awesome post. The only thing that's bugging me is the accusation of jealousy.

Monica Roberts said...

The truth hurts. There are many motivations for homophobia/ transphobia, and some of it can be triggered by something as mundane as jealousy

Whit said...

Sure, I can get behind the idea that jealousy can be one motivating factor. But the way you framed it in the post made it seem like that was the primary motivation. And this isn't the first time you've done that.

Monica Roberts said...

That's your interpretation. The bottom line is that it wasn't the way I wrote the post and don't try to say that's what I meant.

What I meant is what I wrote.