Houston Barbies

TransGriot Note: I'm a Barbie fan, and started cracking up over this satirical post that's been making the Houstonsphere rounds. It was originally on Jeff Balke's blog and I spotted it Jay Lee's The Bald Heretic Blog

It is missing a Third Ward, Fifth Ward and South Park Barbie ;)

So without further ado, in honor of the 50th birthday of Barbie, introducing the Barbies of Houston.


Barbies of Houston


Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Houston market.

"River Oaks Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only at The Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada, and LV Handbags, a Rolex watch, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a 25,000 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Spring TX Barbie"



The modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Aldine Barbie"



This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop: then, we don't know what you are talking about.

"Tanglewood Barbie"



This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Ft. Bend Barbie"



This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Memorial Barbie"



This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available, as well as warehouse conversion condo.

"Huntsville Barbie"



This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Midtown Barbie"



This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Midtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Spring Branch Barbie"



She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-huntin'. Is looking to move to Katy or Ft. Bend County because Spring Branch is getting 'too ethnic'.

"Montrose Barbie"



This versatile transgender doll comes with Drag Queen Ken accessory pack. It can be easily converted simply by adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts and comes with complementary CD of show tunes.