Thursday, December 30, 2010
Pam's Ponderings- Can Transsexuals Find Love In These Times?
by Pamela Hayes
A few weeks ago, I had a chat with a trans woman, who is absolutely striking. She is pre-op, about 5’8, 34 years old, slender, with a lovely face. She has a chic hairstyle. But she is lonely. “I’ve never been on a date,” she told me.
I was floored. This girl is a knockout. She told me that she has been trans since she was 25, so at this point in her life, of course, she is poised and comfortable with herself. She said men had asked her out, but when she told them she was trans, they backed off. She said she wondered what it would be like to have a man woo her, give her flowers, chocolates. But she’s wondering if it will ever happen.
As I said, she is pretty and looks authentic. But I too wonder if she will ever meet Mr. Right.
I started living as a female in the late seventies when I was in my teens. I begin dating when I was about 19. And sure, when I told guys that I was a transsexual, some of them chuckled nervously and said they couldn’t deal with it. But back then, when I told them “my secret,“ sometimes, they were confused and needed clarification. Because during that time, there wasn’t a lot of information out there about transsexuals.
The only talk shows that existed were Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue and Tom Snyder, which came on in the wee hours of the morning. Mike and Merv were sort of like Wendy Williams is today, fluffy fare. Light conversations. Celebrities promoting books or songs.
Occasionally, a transsexual would pop up on a talk show, but it was rare and when they made an appearance, one could usually tell that she was trans.
So there wasn’t a lot going on and girls like me could live her life, date, go to school, work and have nothing or next to nothing said about her.
Occasionally, somebody would question my gender, but nobody would take the comment seriously.
So, over time, I had plenty of boyfriends. We had meaningful relationships. We went to dinner, to the beach, the amusement park. I used to get guys to take strolls with me through the botanical gardens.
The times were different.
Many men are intrigued by transsexuals. But nowadays, I think, a lot of men are disinclined to enter a relationship with a trans woman because he doesn’t want to deal with the bias and discrimination that will undoubtedly accompany an involvement with her.
“He’s a faggot. What real man would want to date that thing?” is what he’d have to put up with.
And now if someone accuses a woman of being trans, people take it seriously. They no longer dismiss it because over the years, they have been inundated with points of references. Talk shows. Websites devoted to trans issues. So if someone accuses a woman who is a clone of Halle Berry of being a man, people accept it. They no longer say, “I don’t believe that.”
Now, they consider it highly probable.
Men have fragile egos and most can’t deal with people casting the ‘that’s a man” aspersion on the woman on his arm. That reflects unfavorably on him.
I seriously doubt if some of those egotistical men I dated and lived with back in the day would have given me the time of day if back then things were the way they are now for trans women.
So, bearing all that in mind, it is challenging for a trans woman to find male companionship.
Back in the seventies/early eighties, my trans girlfriends were Marilyn, Carol, Stephanie, Shawna, Jessica, Jennifer and we all had boyfriends. Some of us socialized. Our men befriended each other. That doesn’t seem to be very prevalent today.
I don’t believe that a trans woman can’t find love. I just think it’s more difficult than it used to be.