Thursday, October 30, 2014

Loving Myself Unapologetically

Guest Post by L'lerrét Jazelle Ailith

Marc Lamont Hill asked me once whether or not I ever felt like the burden of being trans was too much and I wanted to give up. I thought about it for a second and then proceeded to tell him that I love my being unapologetically.

What was the pause for, though? I paused because for so long, I internalized hate from the folks around me who couldn't see the beauty in my unique identity. For years, I would take off my makeup and look into the mirror and cry because I wasn't proud of what stared back at me. I thought that seeing this being that wasn't what society ideally thought to be a woman was to be abhorred. I felt that I didn't deserve happiness or love because I looked like an atrocious blend of man and woman. But once I met my chosen family amongst the #blacktransrevolution and realized my worth and worthiness, those thoughts and feelings began to slowly fade away.

Yesterday was such a weighted, stressful day for me and to practice self care, I hopped in the shower and cleansed myself thoroughly for an hour - head to toe. When I stepped out, I took a look in the mirror and cried. I cried not because of shame. I cried not because of disgust. I cried because I was able to look into my own eyes and feel beautiful. I was able to admire the rawness of my face. I saw the happiness and joy oozing out of every orifice. My mouth couldn't stop smiling. My skin was glowing. My eyes were apparent. I cried because never in a million years did I think I would find myself in a place where even without my beauty routine having been implemented, I would take pride in my being. I cried because I have been through SO FUCKING MUCH to get to a place where I feel worthy and content and to finally feel that being actualized was so overwhelming.

F**k beauty norms or ideals.... this is about loving the brown skin that I'm in! I didn't pick away at my features like I normally would. I looked at myself and I told her how much I loved her. She smiled and blew me a kiss. She thanked me for releasing her from her prison of shame and insecurity. She was free. I am free. And with this freedom - this pride - I was provided with a voice to announce my existence and honor my journey. Terrell and L'lerrét's voices have intertwined to produce something so fantastic.... something so unstoppable. I fought and fought and now look at her! All vivacious and unapologetic and whatnot! haha

And I thank my #blacktransrevolution family for helping to see that happen; for fostering and nurturing this blossoming security. Y'all so cute! I can only wish to continue building community and loving on you all so that more and more girls and boys and anyone in between can feel the same joy that I feel in this moment. This is infectious and I want every single one of my revolutionary comrades to catch this too. I can't wait to go into the house of worship in late November and fellowship with my people at #TransVoices! We are the revolution.

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