Friday, January 19, 2007

The Houston Traffic Rules

TransGriot Note:This was posted to another group that I'm a member of and I found it hilarious. The original author is unknown. I've cleaned it up and added some things as well.

H-Town, Space City, the Bayou City, 3rd Coast, The Dirty 3rd or whatever you wanna call it.

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is 'Hue-stun,' not 'Ewe-stun', or 'house-tun' You call it 'house-ton' and we know you're a Yankee or worse, from New York.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version. The first one is hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610"...which has no beginning and no end. Conversely, if you get lost, find Loop 610. 30 minutes later you'll end up in the part of town you wanted to be in or find the major street you were looking for.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic..."a scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you find yourself as the first car off the line, count to five when the light turns green before proceeding in order to avoid getting clobbered by someone running the red light on the other side.

7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.

8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a generational way of life, an economic stimulant and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" , "God, I hate Baytown!" or "I must be near the Ship Channel."

10. If someone actually uses their turn signal it is either a factory defect, they just graduated from driver's ed or they just moved here.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer Road is at least 45 mph.

13. The rod iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

15. If you're in the left lane and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving hello when they pass you.

16. The Sam Houston Tollway (Beltway 8) is our daily version of NASCAR. The Hardy Toll Road is our local version of the Autobahn.

17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to either Dallas or Louisiana.

19. If you live in Katy or Spring and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.

20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is that Whataburger, Jack In The Box and Denny's all serve both breakfast and regular menus.

21. You can be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.

22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.

23. Some major crosstown streets in Houston have multiple names depending on what part of town you're in. Exhibit A: Westheimer Rd. turns into Elgin St. which becomes Lockwood Dr. when it passes the University of Houston.

24. If given directions that involve driving on freeways, we don't call them by their names. I-10 is the Katy/East Fwy, I-45 is the Gulf/North Fwy, US 290 is the Northwest Fwy, TX 288 is the South Fwy, US 59 is the Eastex/Southwest Fwy and Beltway 8 is the Sam Houston Tollway

25. Elsewhere, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston we call them FEEDER roads. Those feeder roads also have U-turn lanes at major intersections. So don't give us blank stares when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-de-loop"

If you've never lived here, most of this will sound utterly insane. But to all of us who were either born here or call Houston home, this is the truth and y'all know it!

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