Where's The Black Trans Man-Black Trans Woman Romantic Love?

June is the traditional start for the wedding season and just like 'errbody' else, trans masculine and trans feminine people are searching for that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with.

In my case that's been a so far futile search, but as a hopeless romantic I remain somewhat optimistic it may happen for me someday since I see it happening for so many of my trans sisters .

What drove me to write this post is something that was mentioned in the PTHC workshop I facilitated on Friday but we ran out of time to properly explore it. 

One person asked the question during the discussion that was centering on the unity theme at that moment why Black transwomen and Black transmen haven't been hooking up in relationships with each other. 

It was a valid question, seeing that I know of Black trans women hooked up with long-term relationships with cis men and Black trans men doing the reverse with cis women.

Why haven't we seen more often the no-brainer situation of transmasculine and transfeminine people not only hooking up in long term relationships, but marrying each other?   What is preventing us from doing that? 

I say it's a no-brainer situation because it eliminates one of the impediments in a trans-cis relationship in terms of the ''When does the transperson disclose that history?' scenario.

I have no problem with trans people marrying the people they love be they cis or trans.   But what I would like to see is more instances of hetero oriented Black transmen and Black transwomen getting into healthy relationships with each other that lead to long-term relationships and possibly marriage. 

We briefly touched on it before time ran out, but the initial short answer is steeped in the gender binary and internalized transphobia we navigate in the community.   In order to be seen as a 'real man', a transman must date and eventually if they're fortunate enough to have found the right person, marry a cis woman.    Their emerging masculinity will be called into question if they are seen dating transwomen.   

The reverse dynamic is also somewhat true with trans women hooked up with trans attracted men who revere them.  

Some trans feminine women see it as a test of our budding femininity to see if we are attractive enough to get and keep a cis man.   It's even more of a feather in their cap if they are 'woman enough' to get him to stay in their lives even if we reveal our trans feminine status.

But frankly, just as some transmen need to stop believing the negativity and real woman' shade about transwomen, we transwomen also need to stop focusing on a transman's genitalia and recognize the content of his character just as we insist people do with us.

As Precious Davis said in a comment on her Facebook page that accompanied the initial photo, 'Black trans men and Black trans women loving each other is revolutionary'.

It damned sure is.   And we need to do a better job of role modeling the mutual respect and friendships which will allow that love to blossom and grow.  

Trans Women Must Love And Respect Ourselves

I had an interesting conversation with a trans attracted man yesterday afternoon that inspired me to think about and write this post. 

We were discussing some of the issues that put trans women in the position of being their own worst enemy when it comes to getting into and sustaining healthy romantic relationships, and I started talking about the shame and guilt issues we battle that continue to plague us at times.

I also talked about the fact that far too many of us are chasing pseudo cis privilege and trying to be what we aren't going to ever be, cis women. 

We weren't born with cis women's bodies, didn't grow up immersed in femininity from birth and will never know what it's like to menstruate or give birth to a child.  However, just because we don't have those physiological feminine body experiences doesn't mean we can't evolve to becoming and being the best women we can be.  

As Simone de Beauvoir said, women are made, not born.  We need to stop chasing pseudo cis privilege and focus on loving ourselves as trans feminine women.  When we being to have pride in being trans women, we will begin to take the first critical steps in loving and respect ourselves. 

In order for us to be receptive and open to loving someone else, we much first practice self love and being proud of who we are as trans women is an important component of that.

If you're constantly focused on trying to be a ciswoman when you aren't and chasing that pseudo cis privilege, there's little to zero room in your life to developing your own womanhood and focusing your precious time on being the best person you can be.

And yes ladies, the fellas notice when you lack confidence in yourself.  It's a turnoff to them.

The cis man I was in a conversation with is so secure in his masculinity he not only doesn't care what the genitalia configuration is between her legs, he is secure enough to take the trans women he dates to meet his mother.

He cosigned it when I commented nobody is going to have any clue what the genitalia configuration is between your legs when you're out and about on the street, how much you paid to have SRS or what SRS surgeon did it.  

So stop tripping about it.   The only time that is going to become an issues is when you are going to get intimate with that person, and that should be discussed up front when you meet said person what genitalia configuration they like or don't like.  If he's not down with trans women, move on until you find someone who is.  

He also pointed out to me he doesn't date a trans woman unless she is secure enough and loves herself enough to be able to love others.

You have to develop the self confidence and self love to know that you are not only the finest thing walking on Planet Earth, that no sane person would turn down a chance to spend quality time with you.

And no, it's not easy to do that.  Even I struggle with that at times.  But it's something I must do and constantly work on regularly in order to be the best Moni I can be.  I have to be able to look in the mirror and love Moni before I can reasonably expect someone to love me back.   
Speaking of loving others, we need to also consider expanding our dating horizons to include trans men in the equation.  There are some trans brothers out there that make me stop, turn my head and say DAMN! when they walk into a room. 

Trans men need to be a serious option in our dating mix and you never know, that trans man could be the soul mate you're looking for.   

We are part of the diverse mosaic of human life because God created transpeople, too. We exist. We need to love ourselves and each other. And somewhere out there is a soul mate that will love us for who we are and won't care what the configuration of the genitalia between our legs is.

But only if we open our minds and our hearts to loving and respecting ourselves first so that we are capable of opening our hearts to others. 

Diamond Stylz Chats With A Trans-Attracted Man

Y'all know I love the video blog of my Houston homegirl Diamond Stylz because she not only has her own definite opinions about a wide variety of subjects, she tackles some interesting topics as well.

One of the highlights of the 2012 Trans Faith In Color Conference for me was finally getting to meet her.  I still chuckle about the fact that despite us living in the same town, that was the first opportunity we had to meet each other.  And Diamond, still haven't forgotten I owe you a video interview.

But moving on to the gist of this post.

If you've ever wondered what's up with the cismen who love us, you'll want to catch this latest episode of Diamond's video blog as she interviews one of the brothers who love us and why.

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And when you're done viewing this one, you may wish to peruse some of the other topics Diamond has tackled in previous video offerings.

Dear Haters II

Dear Haters,
If you were expecting your transphobic laced commentary on the Pink Sheep Of The Family post to be approved, you are part of the moronic sheeple who watch too much Fox News and are divorced from reality.

This is my cyberhome, and only rational commentary gets posted on the blog. The best part about it is I get to define rational.

Obviously you have personal insecurity and self-esteem issues about your gender identity on a deep level. Cisgender people who are secure in their gender identity and sexual orientation aren't bothered by the presence of transpeople on this planet.

If you pick up a science magazine every now and then, you'll soon discover that gender in the animal kingdom isn't as immutable as you haters think it is.

The only people who would actually sit down at their computer and leave a despicable comment like you did are people whose comfort in their personal sense of manhood or womanhood is shaky at best.

Maybe you didn't read the post, so I'll skip to the heart of it since you and your ilk seem to have the brain and penis size of an atom.

The bottom line is that transpeople exist. The moral arc of history in terms of transpeople gaining first class citizenship in our various countries is inexorably on our side. You and your ilk are on the same side of the legions of groups like the Ku Klux Klan and other proud conservatives throughout world history who opposed the march of humanity, social and societal progress, and common sense.

I suggest you peeps get some therapy to deal with those lingering self esteem issues that are keeping you from having regular dates and intimacy with anyone other than plastic dolls.

And as for your ludicrous assertion that no one will ever accept us as the women and men transpeople were born to be but unfortunately were stuck in the wrong bodies, you are about as off base as Rush Limbaugh and the rest of the people you get your tired talking points from.

Maybe no one who's a white male conservative 'christian' will accept me and my trans brothers and sisters, but Real Christians, real people of other faiths and a vast majority of compassionate thinking people do.

My own story and the stories of countless others blow your diatribe to smithereens.

For every person who doesn't accept me, I have ten who do. I have the respect of my employers. I have sistahfriends and friends across the spectrum who see me as nothing but the tall proud sistah I am and was born to be.

So get thee behind me cyber Satan. You've built a Berlin Wall around your heart and mind that renders you incapable of expressing compassion, love and human decency to another human being.

But just like the actual Berlin Wall fell, the one around your mind and heart will fall as well.

Valentine's Day Posts

Happy Valentine's Day 'errbody'. For those of you who are in long or short term relationships, married or unmarried, I ain't mad at y'all.

A relationship is the one thing that has eluded me so far in my life, but on this day dedicated to love and being in love, I'm going to hit the TransGriot Time Machine and link back to some posts I wrote on previous V-Day's.


Valentine's Day Musings

Letter To The Ladies Who Loved My Twin




Wonder how our favorite couple is going to celebrate the day?

Thinking About My Ex

Today would have been the 45th birthday for my ex-girlfriend Glenda.

She was the last person I dated before I transitioned, and I find myself thinking about her from time to time even though she's been deceased for seven years. We had a rocky, contentious relationship that put a major chill on our friendship for a while when it ended.

It was 1991 and I had reached a crossroads in my life. The only time I was dressing in male clothes at this point was either to visit family or go to work. I was kicking myself for letting another crossroads opportunity slip by when I was 19. As the 80's gave way to the 90's I had come to the conclusion I'd made a big mistake.

Enter Glenda. She and I were co-workers once upon a time, and I was feeling the heavy breath of my rapidly approaching big 3-0 birthday the next year. She entered my life at the time I was seriously wrestling with the 'do I or don't I pull the trigger on transition' question. She didn't know I was dealing with that issue since I kept it hidden from all except a few carefully chosen few people.

As I mentioned in my Valentine's day post, I was trying to avoid getting entangled in romantic relationships, but basically what happened to me is what Miriam Makeba said about the subject in her 1987 book 'My Story'.

Love has never cared about my schedule. It just barges in whenever it wants.

And it kicked the door down in this case.

One of the things that was causing the hesitation was that I was not only working in a place where I was surrounded by beautiful, college educated sistahs, I was getting increased romantic attention from those same sistahs. They saw my college educated happily single childless and gainfully employed self as marriage material.

I knew that once I began transition, that I was taking a 'good brother' as they saw me off the market forever. I began to wonder if I was doing everything possible to be a 'guy', and felt that maybe the key to some of my troubles was that I was avoiding romantic entanglements.

And I had to admit that Glenda had a lot of the qualities "the Twin' was looking for. She was a PK, intelligent (we both went to UH at the same time but didn't cross paths there), a sports fanatic, breathtakingly beautiful with supermodel looks, was proud of and cognizant of our history, and was just short of six feet tall at 5'11" with long, shapely legs.

But at the time I was gradually making moves to begin transition and had even started taking hormones. I tried to keep our interactions at 'just friends' level but she wanted more.

Then love barged in and we spent the next two tumultuous years together. The relationship got off to a rocky start because she wasn't honest about being a divorced mother with a teenage child, I didn't tell her about my gender issues and both of us found out about the other's big secret AFTER we fell into bed.

Long story short, two years later the relationship collapsed. When you wake up looking at a woman with a caramel brown complexion so flawless she only wore lipstick and mascara and barely wore makeup, has a curvy 38-25-38 body that allows her to wear a burlap sack and make it look fashion forward and sexy, and you have you own gender issues it breeds jealously.

She had her own demons and insecurities, exacerbated by her desires to have another child with 'The Twin' as the baby daddy. It also doesn't help your own sense of femininity if you're dating someone who also looks as good wearing a dress and heels as you do and you are occasionally borrowing panty hose from the 'brother' you want to father your next child.

When we broke up I came home from work that evening to find out she'd walked with half the stuff in my apartment, including a stereo that I'd owned since the early 80's that had sentimental value for me. I'd bought it from earnings with my first job. She'd also slashed my uniform jackets. It guaranteed that the bitterness I harbored over all the arguments, lack of closure and the night she swung a glass Coke bottle at my head (and fortunately missed) wouldn't go away for a while.

But I do have to give her credit. Being with Glenda wasn't all bad, it was fun at times. She was affectionate and loving when she wanted to be, she gave me a run for my money when we fired off sports trivia questions at each other, and had a wild sense of humor. After she discovered my stash of femme clothes early in our relationship and point blank called me on my transgender issues, she helped me with my presentation and makeup issues, got me more comfortable in going out in the big cruel world out there, went on a few forays into Montrose with me, and basically told me on numerous occasions (even though she was less than pleasant about it when she said it during one argument) that I was more feminine than she was.

That relationship also emphatically drove home the point that I was on the wrong side of the gender fence and needed to correct it ASAP.

The Cold War between us lasted until 1998. One day Glenda surprised me by pulling me aside in the crew lounge and told me that she was sorry for all the negative things that happened during our relationship. She said she missed our friendship and wanted to repair it. I discovered that some of her co-workers blamed her for my transition and were giving her the cold shoulder as a result. It took us a while, but we eventually got back to the communication and friendship level we were at before our ill-fated relationship.

I remember the last time I saw her like yesterday. It was Thursday, March 15, 2001 and I was getting my hair done at Sadat's shop when she walked in. We exchanged greetings and then she asked me to give her a hug, which I did.

She proceeded to tell me that she was having pain in her abdomen area, had it checked out by a doctor friend of hers but he couldn't find anything wrong. I told her she needed to get a second opinion. She said she was planning to see another doctor after she flew a two day trip she had scheduled starting the next day.

That Sunday night something told me to call her, but I changed my mind and decided I'd call Glenda on her birthday which was coming Tuesday.

I never got the opportunity to deliver that birthday greeting. Monday night I received a tearful phone call from her homegirl DeAndria informing me that she was dead. She'd been found collapsed on the bathroom floor of her apartment and the subsequent autopsy confirmed what I suspected was wrong when I talked to her in the shop.

Her appendix ruptured.

I didn't go to the funeral. I was still reeling from my involuntary separation from the airline after 14 years a month earlier (which I found out later was initiated by a right-wing Republican state legislator) and wasn't ready to face all my former co-workers yet who were traveling to her hometown for the funeral.

There are days when I think about her, I wonder if she'd still be alive if I'd followed my instincts and called her on that fateful Sunday night.

One of these days when I go back home I'll travel there, head to the cemetery where she's resting and say my goodbyes.