Thursday, February 14, 2008
Letter To The Ladies Who Loved My 'Twin'
Today finds me in introspective mode thinking about all of you, wondering how your lives are progressing and if you eventually found someone to share your lives with.
I know that some of you considered me for that role in my pretransition life. You were attracted to some of the qualities, the intelligence and values that make me the person I am and wanted to get to know me on another level.
And yeah, some of you thought I was handsome, too.
As some of you may (or may not) know I transitioned back in 1994. One of the major reasons I finally made that move besides the internal gender conflicts I'd been battling for years became intolerable, was the fact that I was starting to get major hints from several of you, your friends, and even your parents in some cases that considered my 'twin' marriage material.
While I have no doubts about whether I could have made any of you happy had a relationship progressed to that level, I'd reached a point in which I couldn't stomach being a 'guy' one more second. The way I saw it at the time, there was no point in me getting into a relationship in which the final outcome would be you or both of us getting hurt. I definitely didn't want to bring a child into this situation either. I know all too well how cruel other kids can be when it comes to someone that has a situation that isn't perceived as 'normal'.
That's why I pushed many of you away, or seemed noncommittal about taking our friendships to the next level or in some cases even getting intimate with some of you despite raging testosterone.
Yeah, I know that sounds selfish. Maybe I should have explained where my head was at during that time. But how could I explain something that I didn't quite have a grasp on myself, much less was in severe denial about?
But that's neither here or there. The bottom line is that I should have let y'all determine whether my 'twin' was worthy of your time, your body and your love. Because I didn't give you that opportunity, I apologize to all of you.
I do have to thank those of you ladies who cut my 'twin' loose when I was trying to play 'boy'. I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I'm thankful that some of y'all were point blank honest with me.
Some of you told me that being with my 'twin' was like being with one of your girlfriends. Others of you commented about it in less than complimentary ways that deeply hurt my feelings. Some of you just simply sensed the confusion and inner turmoil I was going through and simply let me go.
In the end, those of you who loved me enough to be real with me were right. I had to transition sooner or later to be the best person I could be. What several of you said almost unanimously and in your own ways after you discovered I'd transitioned was right on target. I was never a guy, I only played one for public consumption.
Thanks for loving me enough to help me see that, and Happy Valentine's Day to all of you.