Thursday, February 14, 2008

Letter To The Ladies Who Loved My 'Twin'

Dear Ladies,
Today finds me in introspective mode thinking about all of you, wondering how your lives are progressing and if you eventually found someone to share your lives with.

I know that some of you considered me for that role in my pretransition life. You were attracted to some of the qualities, the intelligence and values that make me the person I am and wanted to get to know me on another level.

And yeah, some of you thought I was handsome, too.

As some of you may (or may not) know I transitioned back in 1994. One of the major reasons I finally made that move besides the internal gender conflicts I'd been battling for years became intolerable, was the fact that I was starting to get major hints from several of you, your friends, and even your parents in some cases that considered my 'twin' marriage material.

While I have no doubts about whether I could have made any of you happy had a relationship progressed to that level, I'd reached a point in which I couldn't stomach being a 'guy' one more second. The way I saw it at the time, there was no point in me getting into a relationship in which the final outcome would be you or both of us getting hurt. I definitely didn't want to bring a child into this situation either. I know all too well how cruel other kids can be when it comes to someone that has a situation that isn't perceived as 'normal'.

That's why I pushed many of you away, or seemed noncommittal about taking our friendships to the next level or in some cases even getting intimate with some of you despite raging testosterone.

Yeah, I know that sounds selfish. Maybe I should have explained where my head was at during that time. But how could I explain something that I didn't quite have a grasp on myself, much less was in severe denial about?

But that's neither here or there. The bottom line is that I should have let y'all determine whether my 'twin' was worthy of your time, your body and your love. Because I didn't give you that opportunity, I apologize to all of you.

I do have to thank those of you ladies who cut my 'twin' loose when I was trying to play 'boy'. I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I'm thankful that some of y'all were point blank honest with me.

Some of you told me that being with my 'twin' was like being with one of your girlfriends. Others of you commented about it in less than complimentary ways that deeply hurt my feelings. Some of you just simply sensed the confusion and inner turmoil I was going through and simply let me go.

In the end, those of you who loved me enough to be real with me were right. I had to transition sooner or later to be the best person I could be. What several of you said almost unanimously and in your own ways after you discovered I'd transitioned was right on target. I was never a guy, I only played one for public consumption.

Thanks for loving me enough to help me see that, and Happy Valentine's Day to all of you.

Love always,


Genaro Urso said...

Monica I think that was a wonderfull and heartfelt post. Your insights are outstanding. I only hope you have continued blessings and success

Stassa said...

Huh. Very interesting. To me in any case. 'Cause it reminds me of my own stuff. And of this in some way:
"Alyssa: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.
Holden: Still am.
Alyssa: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference. "

I could go off on a tangent and reveal very serious personal info that I don't want to (the eevil ones are always lurking) but I could also point you to this video:

And I can swear to you that, yes, despite my constant bitching elsewhere and despite the debates that I have found myself involved in in the last few months on the internets, despite my attitude and despite everything else, still, for me too, it's all about love.

The one and only thing worth fighting and dying for.

Happy Valentines to you then. One day late :)