10 Things You're Saying When You Ignore Someone's Gender Pronouns

One of the quickest and easiest ways to show a trans person that you respect them is to use their preferred pronouns.  But there are people who for various reasons, either continue to use the wrong pronouns to the irritation of the trans person in question or willfully do so.

I like this meme, and while I didn't create it, I visualized its ten points as a way to expound on the importance of cis folks using the  pronouns that match our gender presentation,

When you're done reading it, I want y'all to realize that when you deliberately fail to recognize a trans person's preferred pronouns, it is taken by the trans person as a sign of blatant disrespect. You are also  subliminally sending a message to the trans person in question you don't care about or recognize them as the |human beings they are now.

Shall we begin?

1.  I know you better than you know yourself

We see this smug attitude crop up far too often in social media and elsewhere.

Naw cis homies and homettes, you don't.  Neither do you have the ability to tell what my chromosomes are or figure out my trans status just by looking at me.  Just get it through those skulls that trans men are men, trans women are women.

2.  I would rather hurt you repeatedly than change the way I speak about you.

We understand in Trans World that it takes time for family and friends to get used to your transition. But when we're pushing five, ten, twenty years post transition and you still are misgendering and deadnaming the trans person in question, you're being a microaggressive azzhole

3.  Your sense of safety is not important to me.
This is a pet peeve of many trans people, and especially trans women.  When you cis women mad because a trans woman is performing femininity better than you in the 'hood or the club sashay over to the cis male she's talking to or is making goo goo eyes at her and whisper 'That's a man' in his ear, you are setting that trans woman up not only for a hate crime, but legal trouble for yourself if the trans woman gets hurt or killed.  Some of us trans women just got it like that, so chill with that shady (and dangerous) crap.

And it's not cool to do this to a trans man either.  It opens them up to a beat down or worse.

4.  Your identity isn't real and shouldn't be acknowledged.

I don't care what your pastor, the TERF's, the GOP or other assorted haters said, a trans person knows their gender identity better than you and you need to respect and acknowledge that.  If you can't, as far as we trans peeps are concerned, you aren't a decent human being.

5.   I want to teach everyone around me to disrespect you.

The TERF's have been trying to do that since 1973 and now the right wing trans haters are doing so for political purposes.  They will fail because of the increased visibility of trans people.

6.   Offending you is fine if it makes me more comfortable.

When you are willfully offending me for your own selfish reasons, don't get mad when I diss you or start crying foul when I call you out for being a transphobic azzhole.

7.   I can hear you talking, but I'm not really listening.

And if you're not listening, then what's the point in me trying to educate you on my issues or tell you my trans story?

8.   Being who you truly are is an inconvenience to me.

I've spent a lot of time engaged in hard solid thinking about being trans, lots of money, and gone through hell to be me.  If it's an inconvenience for you to respect that and use the correct pronouns, then you need to step out of my life.

9.  I would prefer it if you stopped being honest with me.

If you can't handle my trans truth, buh bye.   Can't help it if you're insecure about your own gender identity or being our unapologetic selves bothers you.

10.  I am not an ally, a friend, or someone you can trust.

We don't need toxic frenemies in our lives because we get enough crap from the rest of the world about our lives or who don't have our backs.  There are others out there who are loving and kind enough to be ride or die friends for us, and those are the people I'd rather spend time with.

Is It Something I Said?-More Musing About B.Scott

Been an interesting 48 hours since I wrote the B.Scott post that included the tweet I made hours after Scott's 'I'm trans' announcement

The reason I wrote the post in the first place is because I'm quite aware of the fact as a longtime Twitter user you cannot covey the nuances of a constantly evolving subject like transness in a 140 character tweet and I felt the need to further clarify where my head was at when I typed it. 

I'm not retracting or deleting the tweet because it's exactly what I was thinking at the time.  I also wrote almost eight years ago on these electronic pages:

There are times that what I write on an issue is going to be in lock step with your worldview and other times it's going to piss you off.  But the goal in either case is I want people doing hard, solid thinking and talking about the subject.

And boy have I gotten what I wanted to happen in this case and then some.  It triggered this interview one from Janet Mock.  Some folks are annoyed to pissed with moi because I did say it.  Others are congratulating me for having the guts to say what they were thinking as well in terms of asking the valid question that's percolating in many trans people's minds about the timing and sincerity of his 'I'm transgender' declaration.' 

I've gotten comments on my Facebook page and e-mails pro and con about it (mostly pro).   But for those of you criticizing me over the post that I included the Tweet in (and really didn't have to when I composed it), you also keep missing the money paragraph in which I said this. 

I'm quite aware of and know evolution and shifting along the gender line segment happens with people as they gain self-awareness and knowledge about where they fall under the trans umbrella.  I'm also quite aware of the fact that sometimes it takes years to get comfortable with the spot you're in under the trans umbrella.  But it's the timing of the 'I'm transgender' declaration that has my 'things that make you go hmm' antennae up.

So hello, I'm not 'erasing genderqueer identities', 'doing gender policing', 'hatin' on B. Scott' or some of the other specious charges that have been leveled in my direction.  

The post was not an attack on B Scott as I presumed I made crystal clear on August 7 or is debating whether he belongs under the trans umbrella or not.  I believe B.Scott does on the drag-genderqueer end of the umbrella.

I am amenable to the idea of having a discussion with B. Scott in the near future about his 'I'm transgender' declaration and exactly where he sees himself. 

I also want to make it clear to him why there are transpeople who have issues with that August 7 declaration 

Many of us on the end of the trans umbrella and gender line segment who live our lives as African descended transfeminine women have been in some cases for decades out there taking the slings and arrows of being trans as we live and fight for recognition of our humanity and human rights. 

Some of the people we've have to battle in that struggle for recognition of our humanity are sadly same gender loving people in our community.  Some of those SGL haters have been self identified effeminate gay men who bristle or get offended if you call them 'Miss', conflate them with transsexuals or ask them when they are going to have SRS. 

There's a sentiment fueling this 'yeah, right' reaction that's encapsulated by something that activist Nadia Belinda Roberts wrote (no relation) in a Facebook discussion on the issue.
"Everybody wants to be Trans, but they don't want to BE Trans!"  

In other words, what Nadia is saying is that some trans women are of the opinion that some of the peeps under the trans umbrella want the benefits and perks of being able to perform femininity under the protection of it but don't want the other negative baggage that comes with taking on the trans feminine label. 

And when it comes to Black trans women, that baggage includes the horrific levels of anti-trans violence and 'unwoman' negativity we deal with inside and outside the Black community.    

That's a discussion for another day.   Why Scott is getting some skeptical reaction is driven by that sentiment and the fact that before August 7, 2013 Scott lived his life as a self-declared androgynous gay man.  If B. Scott had made the "I'm transgender" announcement before the BET incident and now subsequent multimillion dollar lawsuit, I submit there would be less controversy in Trans World about it and more 'welcome to Team Trans' sentiment about it instead of the 'yeah, right' sentiment prevalent in sections of it.     

Now I can't or don't have the ability to read B. Scott's mind, and can only go by what he has stated in Janet's interview or future ones as to whether his epiphany concerning his gender journey is valid and led him to make the declaration at this time.

But only future efforts to reach out to those of us on the transsexual-trans feminine end of the umbrella and the passage of time will reveal the next chapter in this unfolding B. Scott gender saga 
 

Is B.Scott Genuinely Embracing The Trans Umbrella?

Well, well, well.  As many of you are aware of  BET got itself in some seriously hot water when they hired gender bender B. Scott to be the red carpet fashion commentator for the recent edition of the BET Awards and publicly disrespected him. 

They approved the outfits he wanted to wear, but after one interview the show producers yanked him off the red carpet, demanded he tone down his makeup, pull back his hair and don male clothing.

After doing so he returned to find out he'd been replaced on the red carpet by actress Adrienne Bailon.

It was jacked up and after the outrage ensured over it from B.Scott's love muffins, the Blackosphere and amongst other peeps in the community BET put out a half-azzed spin filled apology that B. Scott rejected.

Now it's being reported by TMZ that B.Scott is filing a multimillion dollar lawsuit against BET and Viacom for what transpired on that jacked up evening.   He's requesting $2.5 million dollars in damages and an apology for the damage the incident did to his reputation  

In a post on his website yesterday he explained why he did so.  

“I’m sure by now you’re aware of an unfortunate incident that occurred while I was serving as Style Stage Correspondent for the 2013 BET Awards Pre-Show. After sharing my open letter with the world I’ve received tons of support from family, friends and love muffins for which I’m truly grateful.
While I want nothing more than to put this incident behind me and move on with my life, I still wholeheartedly believe that I’m entitled to a true public apology. BET’s non-apology statement added more insult to injury. What happened to me was not a ‘miscommunication’ nor was it ‘unintentional’. It was wrong. I have been vehemently trying to come to a resolution with BET and Viacom behind the scenes. After a few weeks of back and forth dialogue with no foreseeable resolution, I have filed a lawsuit against BET and its parent company Viacom for discrimination on the basis of gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation..
Over the years my love muffins and strangers alike have questioned me about my gender identity. What IS B. Scott? As a society we’ve been conditioned to believe that a person has to be ‘exactly’ this or ‘exactly’ that. Biologically, I am male — as my sex was determined at birth by my reproductive organs.
However, my spirit truly lies somewhere in between. It is that same spirit that has allowed me to become so comfortable in my skin, choose how I express myself, and contributes to how I live my day-to-day life.
It is by that definition that I accept and welcome the ‘transgender’ label with open arms.
It is also by that definition that BET and Viacom willingly and wrongfully discriminated against my gender identity during the 2013 BET Awards Pre-Show.
Let’s be clear — I’m suing BET and Viacom for a true public apology and to be fairly remunerated for the time lost, humiliation and emotional distress this entire situation has put me through.”
- See more at: http://madamenoire.com/290080/b-scott-stings-bet-and-viacom-with-multi-million-dollar-lawsuit-for-forcing-him-to-wear-mens-clothing/#sthash.Qu0U4GUp.dpuf

I’m sure by now you’re aware of an unfortunate incident that occurred while I was serving as Style Stage Correspondent for the 2013 BET Awards Pre-Show. After sharing my open letter with the world I’ve received tons of support from family, friends and love muffins for which I’m truly grateful.

While I want nothing more than to put this incident behind me and move on with my life, I still wholeheartedly believe that I’m entitled to a true public apology. BET’s non-apology statement added more insult to injury.

What happened to me was not a ‘miscommunication’ nor was it ‘unintentional’. It was wrong. I have been vehemently trying to come to a resolution with BET and Viacom behind the scenes. After a few weeks of back and forth dialogue with no foreseeable resolution, I have filed a lawsuit against BET and its parent company Viacom for discrimination on the basis of gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation.
.
Over the years my love muffins and strangers alike have questioned me about my gender identity. What IS B. Scott? As a society we’ve been conditioned to believe that a person has to be ‘exactly’ this or ‘exactly’ that. Biologically, I am male — as my sex was determined at birth by my reproductive organs.

However, my spirit truly lies somewhere in between. It is that same spirit that has allowed me to become so comfortable in my skin, choose how I express myself, and contributes to how I live my day-to-day life.

Transgender is the state of one’s gender identity (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one’s assigned sex (identification by others as male, female or intersex based on physical/genetic sex). [source]

It is by that definition that I accept and welcome the ‘transgender’ label with open arms.

It is also by that definition that BET and Viacom willingly and wrongfully discriminated against my gender identity during the 2013 BET Awards Pre-Show.

Let’s be clear — I’m suing BET and Viacom for a true public apology and to be fairly remunerated for the time lost, humiliation and emotional distress this entire situation has put me through.

It's the declaration that B. Scott is embracing the transgender umbrella after resisting it for years that is problematic for me and elements of the trans community. 

Many of us trans people have dealt with the slings, arrows, anti-trans hatred, crushing unemployment-underemployment and murderous anti-trans violence aimed our way as B Scott defined himself as a proud gay man. 

Now it seems to elements of us in the African-American trans community that alter all the years of ducking and dodging the question of whether he was trans or not, it's now happening as a multimillion dollar lawsuit suit has been filed. 

I'm quite aware of and know evolution and shifting along the gender line segment happens with people as they gain self-awareness and knowledge about where they fall under the trans umbrella.   I'm also quite aware of the fact that sometimes it takes years to get comfortable with the spot you're in under the trans umbrella.  But it's the timing of the 'I'm transgender' declaration that has my 'things that make you go hmm' antennae up.

The timing of this announcement also drove me to tweet this several hours ago after hearing the news about his justified suit.

When B Scott starts taking hormones and calling himself Brittany (or another femme name starting with 'B') and declares he's transitioning then I'll consider him part of Team Trans.

And I'll start using whatever pronouns B.Scott considers respectfully appropriate to his particular situation at this point in time.

Let me make it crystal clear, I have no beef with B.Scott.  What BET did to him earlier this summer was seriously fracked up and pissed me off as someone who fights for the human rights of everyone inside and outside the trans and SGL community. 

But as a proud African descended trans person who has discussed and written about trans issues for over a decade and does seminars, speeches and collegiate level education on this subject,  you can bet I'm going to be keeping an eye on this situation to ensure it doesn't drift into conflation territory or misrepresentation of a trans community that is still quite misunderstood in the African-American cis and SGL community.
 
Until I get and see more evidence that B.Scott's embrace of the transgender umbrella is genuine, permanent and not just related to this legal case, call me skeptical.