Happy Valentine's Day 2019

Today is Valentine's Day.  As has been the case for the last decade, I bought my own candy, have a bottle of wine and have a stack of DVD romantic comedies to watch to get me through this day.

I'm not mad at you peeps who are booed up and are spending this day being wined, dined, spoiled rotten and having flowers sent to your homes or jobs.   It just hasn't happened for me.

One of the things I did some hard solid thinking about before I made the decision 25 years ago to handle my transition business involved relationships.   In fact I'd just come out of a three year one, and was getting interest from another cis woman at the time I transitioned.

I knew that if I transitioned, there was the possibility that I would never get into another relationship ever again.   But the need to be authentic me trumped that.  I also started transition in 1994 with the plan to have at least a five year moratorium on any romantic entanglements until I got used to comfortably living life in a feminine body. 

Little did I anticipate that the five year relationship moratorium would stretch out to now 25 years.   It also didn't help that during this dating hiatus I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding in 2004.

As I like to say about my dating hiatus, I've been wandering the dating Sinai for so long that the booed up couples on their way to the dating Promised Land shake their head at me as they pass me by.  It's not that I intended to be single for this long.   Just haven't found the right person for me combined with other complications compounding it. 

I had one guy who was interested in me, but the price I would have paid to be in that relationship was too high for me.  I would have had to pull out of all activism and have zero contact with the trans community as long as we were together because he was on the trans dating down low. 

Y'all know what my two word answer to that request was.

There was also the brother when I lived in Louisville who was interested, but I discovered he was married.  Naw player, I'm a first round draft choice.   I'm nobody's sloppy seconds or undrafted free agent.  Neither am I going to be the side piece breaking up somebody's marriage and inviting that negative karma into whatever potential relationship I ended up in.

I thought about expanding my dating horizons, and have had two women so far approach me.  But as of yet, no one of any gender has stepped into my life that has rocked my world to the point I was head over heels in love with them.   Conversely, the people I have been interested in also turned out to already be taken or just not into me beyond friendship.

Yeah, I have relationship requirements.  Number one is no trans attracted men need apply who want to keep me as their secret lover.  You must be as unapologetic about dating trans women as I am about living my life.   If you're ashamed to show me off to your boys or your family, step.

I like going to restaurants, getting flowers and chocolate and to be spoiled on my Cuatro de Mayo birthday.   I like doing public stuff that requires you taking me out in daylight and early evening hours. 

I like going to sporting events. movies and museums.  I like bowling, miniature golf and shooting pool.  And yes, while I'm at those sporting events, if the ref makes a lousy call, they will hear it from me.

As an advocate, there will be times you will be a plus one for the community events, galas and fundraisers I get invited to.   I'm also a nationally and internationally recognized trans advocate.  If you can't handle the level of attention I get while I'm out and about, then maybe you should rethink stepping to me.

In a nutshell, I'm looking for quality, not quantity.  It's the way I've always ran my dating life, and transition didn't change that aspect of my personality.   But the reality is now I'm looking for love in a smaller dating pool, and as I get older, that pool continues to shrink.

If it happens for me, cool.  If it doesn't, I'll just continue focusing on making the world a better place for all the trans peeps behind me and rooting for you as you find your forever loves.

Happy Valentine's Day 2018

Happy Valentine's Day people!

For those of you who are happily married, engaged, or booed up on this day for lovers I'm not mad at you.  I'll just be buying my own chocolate instead of having someone get it for me. 

I've seen many of my family, friends and acquaintances fall in love, and in some cases gotten married.  I've even been the bridesmaid in one friend;s weeding back in 2004. Some of those relationships are ongoing, others fell by the wayside for various reasons.

While I have a lot of talents in various areas, there are some things that have been difficult for me to have happen for me in my life.  One of those difficult things for me is being in a sustained long term relationship.   Maybe it was because I missed the signs early or the right person still hasn't come into my life yet, but I'm still single.  I envy you peeps who are happily coupled, with or without a marriage license.

I knew when I transitioned in 1994 that one of the things that could possibly happen is I could possibly be spending the rest of my life by myself and never be in a committed relationship again because it's hard for a trans women, and especially Black trans women to find love.

More often than not in the early years of my transition I saw marriages contentiously break up because one partner transitioned.

But over the last few years I've been seeing it happen for more than a few trans people who are either hooked up with a cis partner or what has been happening more frequently here and around the world, two trans people marrying each other.  .I'm even seeing it happen more often of people staying together and living up to the 'till death do us part' portion of their wedding vows when one person transitions.

I was also blessed to have a ringside seat as Nikki Loyd found love with Will while simultaneously fighting for and winning her landmark Araguz v. Delgado case that cemented the right for Texas trans people to get legally married   It's been fun to see how their fab life has transpired since that court victory, because it's obvious when I'm spending quality time around them they are still madly in love with each other.

But love in Trans, Bi and SGL World is not necessarily heteronormative.  There are bi couples, same gender loving couple and even polyamorous ones.  Some of them have lasted for decades, some till death do us part, while others broke apart because of drama.

To borrow the words of the comedian J. Anthony Brown, 'same sex marriage, same relationship drama'.

One of the things I also want to ponder on this Valentine's Day is what is happening in the ranks of trans attracted men   These are the cis men who see trans women as viable long term relationship and lifetime partners, but in many cases have to come to grips first with the idea they are attracted to trans women. 

Once they get past that hurdle, they then have to get past the genitalia issue and deal with the attacks on their masculinity for daring to love a transgender woman be she pre-op, post-op or non operative.

But those conversations are going to have to be had and led by trans attracted men. 

As much as we trans women would like that set of 'they unapologetically love trans women' epiphanies to happen like yesterday, just as we trans people have had to give people time to come to grips with our trans evolutionary process, we must do the same for trans attracted men. 

Once the trans attracted men evolve, one of the things that must happen in the wake of that is they will need to come out of the shadows and unequivocally state that they love us, there's nothing wrong with that, and society can kiss their azzes if they don't like it.

And that might take a celebrity doing that to break that psychic door down or our younger generations making that happen.

When will that day happen?   Damned good question.   But it does need to happen soon because we need to expeditiously erase the stigma surrounding trans relationships involving cisgender people, because that stigma I believe is a factor driving some of the anti-trans intimate partner violence that can lead to our deaths.

So to all of you peeps who are booed up on this day or well on your way to jumping the broom into the land of matrimony, congratulations.    I'll be on the sideline cheering you on and hoping for all of you to have long, healthy and happy relationships, no matter what it looks like to the outside world or what genitalia is concealed in your underwear.

.Happy Valentine's Day people!

Happy Valentine's Day 2017

Today is Valentine's Day and as usual I'm spending it by myself.   While I am blessed with many talents, finding myself in a long term relationship is not one of them.

So I'm buying my own chocolate, some ice cream and Hershey's chocolate syrup to go with it, and I'm perusing my stack of DVD's to for my Black romance movie marathon I will indulge myself with later today.

The ironic thing is when I started my transition in 1994, I put myself on a two year dating moratorium so that I could get adjusted to being me, deal with morphing into the new body an the second puberty issues that come with it,  and get a few years into the social transition before I attempted to tackle dating while trans.

And I'm still looking for that quality person to get in a relationship with

After witnessing several couples get married last year or seeing peeps I know who are in happy and healthy  relationships short and long term, that does allow me to keep hope alive that it will happen for me someday.  

We'll see.   But for those of you who are booed up, I ain't mad at you on this day that is for lovers.

Happy Valentine's Day people.   And now, time to hit the Blue Bell.and flip on the DVD player.

Happy Valentines Day 2016

Happy Valentines Day 2016!  Love is in the air and I'm looking forward to seeing happen two anticipated weddings of trans couples this year.

Of course many of us are already aware of the upcoming nuptials of Precious and Myles this summer, and have seen episode of Say Yes To The Dress  that she was featured in.  It is going to be fun to finally see them jump the broom to the land of matrimony

But Precious and Myles  aren't the only trans couple I'm aware of that is getting married this year. Laila Villanueva and Logan Ireland are also stepping down the aisle less than 100 days from now. They are representative of the estimated 15,000 trans people serving in our nation's armed forces, and they got the opportunity to meet the Commander in Chief himself at the White House last year.

To both couples, love y'all both, and I wish you long, happy and healthy marriages.

As for those of you who have asked when it is going to happen for me, that depends on whether the right person comes along in my life at this juncture.  While I am blessed with many talents that I excel at, one of the things that has eluded me over the years is a long term relationship.  

I joke that I have been wandering the dating Sinai for so long that the paired off Israelites passed me up on their way to the matrimony Promised Land and shake their heads.

But for those of you who are in relationships on this Valentines Day 2016,, I am happy for you.

One of the things I am also happy to see is that the men who love us are on the verge (if they aren't doing so already) of naming and proudly proclaiming it while dealing with the issues that come with that.

 I'm talking about the trans attracted men, and despite the shutdown by some loud and wrong transwomen of that panel in Chicago, it is not going to stop the conversation from happening, and has created even more interest in having it.

Trans women need to hear that the men who love them are proud of them and see them shout it to the rooftops instead of the shame inducing current pattern for both parties of keeping those relationships secret.

We have worked hard, gone through many trials and tribulations and spent lots of money at times to live in our truth, and it's past time that the men who love us be unafraid to live in theirs as well.

We have a shared responsibility to get society on board with the idea that choosing to love a trans women is no different than preferring cis women who are brunette, blonde, tall, petite, older, younger, non-white, white, et cetera.

Love is love, and if dating or marrying a trans woman is going to make you happy, then handle your romantic business and do so.    

And as the HerStory YouTube series, the Game Face documentary and the movie Boy Meets Girl all point out, there are cis women who are increasingly kissing trans girls and discovering they like it and the trans woman they kissed enough to want to be in a relationship with them be it short or long term.  There are cis girls kissing trans guys and also ending up in long term relationships and marriages with them.

But the main point of this Valentine's Day post is that trans folks, be they trans masculine, trans feminine or non-binary, deserve and are worthy of being loved.

And what better day than Valentines Day to spread that message.

Happy Valentine's Day 2015!

Happy Valentine's Day to all you TransGriot readers who are booed up, in long term relationships, engaged or married.

On this day dedicated to love and all lovers, I was happy along with everyone else in Trans World to hear that our fave power couple in Myles Brady and Precious Davis have gotten engaged.

And I couldn't be happier for them.

Going to be fun to watch as they not only set their wedding date, but see them put together their wedding.

As for when that will happen for me?  Don't know.  It's one of the areas in my life that hasn't been as successful for me as I would like, and I haven't really focused on it.

If it's meant for me to be in a relationship, cool.  If it's not, I'll deal with it.  As I said in last year's VDay post,. as long as I have chocolate, Hershey's chocolate syrup and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream, I'm good. 

Happy Valentine's Day y'all.

Happy Valentine's Day 2014

It's Valentine's Day 2014, and for you folks who are booed up, I ain't mad at you.   Hope they are treating you with all the love and respect you deserve and are getting all the TLC you can stand.

And conversely, appreciate and treasure every millisecond of it, because there are us single folks who aren't so lucky. 

Despite being single (again) on this day for lovers, I'm not depressed about it.  I'm feeling a lot of elation in terms of the early V-Day present Texas transpeeps received from Chief Justice Rogelio Valdez in overturning that odious 2011 ruling in Nikki Araguz Loyd's trans marriage case and seeing those unjust anti-same sex marriage amendments go down in flames in one state after another.

And the Texas LGBT community has its eyes focused on federal courtrooms in San Antonio and Austin for two cases that may strike critical blows against Texas' unjust constitutional ban on same-sex marriage.

Even Kentucky got in on the fun when a judge ruled the state had to recognize same-sex marriages legally performed out of state.   So it looks like the marriage train is picking up momentum.

But Valentine's Day can still be hard on a single person having to interact with all the people who are coupled.  You flip the channels and see dozens of romance movies being broadcast along with the glut of TV commercials with happy couples on them.  You flip on the radio and hear romantic ballads being crooned.

And then you look at your wall, see the February 14 date on the calendar and yell, "I hate Valentine's Day!" 

And as I continue to joke, I've been wandering the dating Sinai for so long the Israelites walk past me and shake their heads as they head to the dating Promised Land. 

Will it happen for me this year? Who knows?  I'm just at the point in my life now that if it is meant to happen for me it will, and if it doesn't, then I'm not obsessing about it.  

Hey as long as I have chocolate, Hershey's chocolate syrup and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream, I'm good. 

Happy Valentine's Day 'errbody'!   

Valentine's Day 2013-Still Searching For That Love Connection

' It's a day for romance that for many of us won't result in someone leaving us heart shaped boxes of chocolate, presents, gifts of jewelry, stuffed animals, getting flowers delivered to our addresses, a sentimental call from a person we describe as our sweethearts or a marriage proposal from the person we love.'

TransGriot  'Love Can Be Hard For A Transwoman To Find ' 
February 14, 2012

366 days have passed (last year was a leap year) since I wrote that post and one of the things that was depressingly consistent in the run up to Valentine's Day 2013 is as I perused my FB messages from other #girlslikeus is the realization that many of us once again would not be in a coupled relationship before or after this day is over.

But hey, our cis sisters are having the same problems finding someone to spend their lives with, too.

For those of you blessed enough to have someone fawning all over you, congratulations... I ain't mad at you, especially on this day for the lovers on the calendar.

As for when it's going to happen for me?  Who knows?   .

Enjoy some of the other Valentine's Day themed posts I've previously written.

TransGriot Valentine's Day 2012 Post Links

Today is the day in which the only chocolate candy I'll consume in heart shaped boxes, cards or flowers I'll receive are the ones I bought for myself.

Valentine's Day is a day that can be hard on single people.  For single transpeople it can especially be difficult as we are not only surrounded by cisgender couples gay and straight expressing their love of each other, we're also drowned in an avalanche of romantic movies, songs, radio and television commercials.

For those of you fortunate enough to find love, I ain't mad at y'all.   It's just I haven't been one of those lucky people.  But there's still hope for me yet.  

At any rate, here's some posts I've written on the subject of romance, relationships and being trans   Hope y'all enjoy them.

I'm Not Your Desperate Chocolate Exotic Fantasy Girl

Pam's Ponderings-Black Transwomen Need Love Too

Happy Valentine's Day Peeps!

Valentine's Day Posts

Loving Myself More

We Don't Want No Scrubs, Either

Damned If We Do, Damned If We Don't

Make Sure He Loves And Respects Your Azz

Loving A Transwoman Doesn't Make You Gay