Naw Nicole, You DIDN'T Unconditionally Accept Your Cousin

Interesting comment that hit my inbox yesterday from Nicole Cantie, who had something to say about my post Why The Negative Plain Dealer Coverage May Result In Cemia NOT Getting Justice

First off let me tell you something you don't know anything about me and how dare you make an accusation saying what I did and did not accept. I have always called my cousin by his given name and he never had a problem with it so why should you. I'm the 1 that watched him growing up not you. I love all of my family members and I don't give a damn about what their preference is. My cousin was a beautiful person inside and out and he took some beautiful pictures and looked damn good. I have to respect my aunt and her feelings. Do any of you know what it's like to bury not 1 but 2 of your children? You all don't know what our family has been through this is the second family member we have had to bury within a month's time. Cece wasn't treated different because he chose to live as a transgender woman. All we told him was to be careful because it's crazy people out here. Y'all have no idea how we are feeling

Now Nicole, it's my turn.  

First off, I do have an idea how your family is feeling, and my condolences by the way.  My father was buried the day before Easter Sunday.  There are also two other families in the Orlando area and Baltimore burying trans loved ones who were also killed in the month of April like Cemia..

But back to focusing on you since you stepped to me. 

I calls it as I sees it Nicole, and based on that interview, if you accepted and loved your cousin Cemia like you claim you do you wouldn't have misgendered your cousin in that interview and used the name she chose to reflect who she is now.   You may love your cousin and are proud of her, but misgendering her is what caused me to call your relationship with Cemia into question in the first place because to those of us in transworld, misgendering us IS disrespecting us. 

Unlike you Nicole, I'm a proud African descended trans girl like us just like Cemia and have been for almost 20 years.  I've been an activist for trans human rights issues for fifteen of those twenty transitioned years so I have intimate knowledge of what  does and doesn't bother girls and guys like me. 

So yeah, it is my business and pisses me off when transpeople, especially transpeople who share my ethnic heritage are killed and grossly disrespected in death like your cousin was by the media.  It's a pattern I've seen far too often going back to 1998 when Bay Windows disrespected Rita Hester of Black trans women being misgendered by media outlets inside and outside the LGBT community.

I'm beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired of it.     

The one way I know for certain a cis person inside or outside my family respects me and the person who I am now is the use of feminine pronouns to address me and addressing me by my current name, not my birth one which I changed a long time ago.    

Nicole, you not only admitted to using Cemia's old birth name, you've misgendered someone you claim to respect FOUR times in this comment you fired off to me.  That's not acceptance or unconditional love, that reeks of conditional tolerance.    It's also a huge presumption on your part as a cisgender female to assume that Cemia DIDN'T have a problem with you calling her by her old male name or misgendering her. .

But neither one of us can ask Cemia that question now because some waste of DNA took her life and she won't be taking any more pretty pictures. 

If you didn't care about Cemia's 'preference' as you called her gender presentation and claimed in this comment I'm responding to, I can't emphasize this enough, you would have respected your cousin by using feminine pronouns while describing her and calling her Cemia. 

I'm just sayin'

I'll concede the point you have the obligation to respect your aunt as your elder and inside her home.  But Nicole, once you are out and about in the world and in your own home you are your own woman. You aren't obligated to march lockstep with a loud and wrong position she may hold even if she is your elder or her feelings if they conflict with yours, much less defend them.

I don't have to respect someone who is being a transphobic bigot or who threw her trans child out of her home and put her in the position to be killed in the first place knowing how brutal the streets can be for a trans kid.

And yeah, your aunt throwing her trans child out of your home qualifies as 'treating them differently'. 

Speaking of homes, if you loved your cousin as you say you do and didn't care about 'her preference' which is a problematic conflating of sexual orientation and gender identity, why didn't you open your home to CeCe?  

One thing we can both agree with is that CeCe was taken away far too soon and I'm just as pissed off about that as your family is.  But y'all need to ponder the fact at your next family reunion that if y'all had shown CeCe more unconditional love, she'd still be in your lives.