TransGriot Note: Guest post from Tona Brown, an extremely multitalented transsistah I have much love, admiration and respect for. She discusses her thoughts about a subject we sorely need to have more discussions on in our community, sisterhood. Sisterhood, Girlfriends, Relationships between women.. All things that I feel are so very important but are becoming a thing of the past in many circles.
Today most of the girls I know are only interested in showing off who has the latest "whatevers" or bragging about what man they slept with.
"Look girl, I got some work done" or "look what HE or SHE bought me."
For me I feel that it's a great loss to not be able to share your innermost thoughts with someone like myself. I have guy friends, even female friends and family members but there is nothing like that special connection between "girlfriends."
For those that don't know much about my upbringing, I am the oldest of a household full of boys. Growing up I often longed for a sister. I can't tell you what it was like to grow up and have to go through some of my inner thoughts without a sister to talk to about them. I literally had to learn about my femininity and self through the help of my mother and close girlfriends. I love my brothers, I would do anything for any one of them and would take a bullet to protect them. Watching them grow up and develop into the handsome men they are has been an amazing experience.
Did we always get along? Of course not.. But sibling rivalry and them trying to understand me were the reasons for that.
In my teenage years of course I had not transitioned and although I was always feminine, had the "good hair", skin complexion, and developed my own sense of person it took a while for my brothers to REALLY understand what I was going through at that time. On the outside all was well but I always yearned for a sister. I do have a half sister that I do not really know. She was born outside my immediate family on my father's side. I wonder what life would have been like having her around, doing her hair instead of playing with my doll babies and talking to her about various things that I was going through. In order to cope with not having a sister I often turned to my diary where I wrote my feelings on paper and began to write some poetry and short stories while trying to figure out why I wasn't really happy.
Today, I find my relationships with other women very important. It's really sad but I've found this to be really difficult in dealing with other transwomen in particular. Most of us have been through so much heartache and pain that it is really hard to trust each other. Seeing another beautiful woman of trans experience makes me feel very proud and even more so when she is doing something positive with her life despite the odds against us. But being raised primarily around all men has come to be a disadvantage in forming relationships that are positive with most of my t-girlfriends.
First and foremost I am usually the one lady at the table that comes from a different family background and an affirming and supportive family. The stories my friends tell me about what they had to go through often brings me to tears. But because I did not have to deal with those issues some reject me upfront.
But then I think to myself why does it really matter, but boy does it! Our conversations sometimes go to subjects I don't really know much about. There is an assumption by most transwomen that if you transitioned life had to be just as equally hard for you as it was for them and in the same way. When most girls find that is not the case with me they assume that we will have nothing in common.
Second, I do not compete for men, prestige or anything else when it comes to my relationships with my girlfriends. Friendships to me are relationships and when I become good "girlfriends" with an individual all that other stuff goes out the door.
But I do not find that to be case with most of my sisters. Most women, not just transwomen compete for attention especially regarding the opposite sex, or to see who is the most glamorous or beautiful. Maybe its just me but I just feel privileged to be around respectful, graceful, elegant, and professional women especially if I have something in common with them.
Lastly, when viewing other women especially transwomen of color my feelings are different then most. I don't care if that person is "passable" or "pretty". I could care less if she is fat, skinny, tall, or short. What does she have to say and what can I learn from that individual. Her looks do not depict how she feels.
I decided to write this because I feel that as transgender women we only have each other. There are so many things and people that do not accept us. Why are we letting these things come between us? I truly do not understand it. In my opinion every time we put down one of our sisters and go back and look in the mirror you're talking about yourself.
And what are you gaining from all of this?? Is it really worth it in the long run? To sit or stand alone or to be "fierce"? To be the most beautiful girl in the room, or the lady with the most wit and harsh offensive tongue to "read" all the other girls?
Hmm, sounds pretty sad and pathetic to me. You gain nothing. .Maybe you will get a few laughs in at the expense of one of our own but those same people laughing with you are laughing at you when you are not looking.
I will never forget my experiences watching these type of 'ladies' and I use that term loosely in reference to them. In public places they are often the spectacle of amusement. They literally make a mockery of themselves and everyone around them. Yet this is acceptable behavior?
Many of the girls have gay friends that doll them up, slap some lip gloss on them and a wig and think 'well, this is my friend' only to find out he has no clue about who you are. If it comes between you and him trying to get a date you better believe he will try to do what he can to get that man whether it means to divulge your "T" or to call it out in public in order to embarrass you.
We all know about the females that pretend to be "ok" with you until she gets jealous seeing those men that are interested in you.
So do you still think its a good idea to poke fun at other girls?
I hope this message goes to the all ladies who feel the way I do and even those that don't. These are just my private thoughts and by no way the law! To my sisters that I have loved for years and for those I will meet in the future,.thank you for being a part of my life.
Thank you for allowing me a vessel to share my thoughts, feelings, desires and fears with. Thank you for just being you! I NEED YOU and WE need each other!
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