How to Talk to a Conservative...If You Must

1- Don't use words with more than three syllables.

2-Remember that they are used to getting their talking points from Rush Limbaugh or other conservative media, so don't assume they can think for themselves

3-Remember they think that George W. Bush ACTUALLY won two elections, so bear in mind that conservatives are slightly delusional

4-If they start ranting, offer them Oxycontinin. If it's Ann Coulter, offer her estrogen.

5-Remember that conservatives are insecure because they've been handed everything on a silver platter from Mumsy and Dadsy, so they have no clue how Real Americans live

6-If you talk about religion with them remember that they worship a God that hates anyone that's not a heterosexual white male who votes GOP and condones cheating, greed, lying, gaybaiting, racism, xenophobia and sexism

7-If you're talking to a wife of a conservative, make sure that you steer clear of any water puddles or aren't standing next to her during a thunderstorm

8-Remember that conservatives don't have a grasp of reading fundamentals or proper sentence construction since many of them are low C or D students who got over...you know...like George W. Bush

9-Be on the look out for them to pull out 9-11 as a crutch to buttress their weak ass arguments every time they are intellectually overmatched or confronted with overwhelming evidence they are wrong.

10-Remember that a conservative will NEVER tell the truth, so don't expect them to be honest about anything or acknowledge that they are wrong.