I Am Not Looking For Sex

TransGriot Note:  Y'all asked for her, you got her.   More musings from author Pamela Hayes


I Am Not Looking For Sex
by Pamela Hayes




Recently, I posted pictures of myself in various forums online. For years, I have been posting essays about my experiences as a trans woman and a number of people requested pictures. I guess they were curious about my appearance. So, I posted images of myself.

A number of men have invited me out to eat. Have asked for my phone number. Gave me their phone numbers. People are intrigued by transsexuals and I get it. I understand the questions . . . questions that seem probing. I am not bothered by their curiosity. I don’t mind enlightening people.

Some of the emails have been offensive. One man wrote that he wasn’t gay, but that he was curious about sex with a transsexual. He sent me photographs of himself. In a few, he was fully clothed and some were of his penis--soft and erect. I sent the pictures to the cyber wastebasket. And I didn’t respond to him.

A few days later, he wrote saying that he wanted us to get together, repeating that he wondered about sex with a transsexual. He said he wanted me to take him somewhere he had never been.

I am not remotely flattered by this. I find it offensive.

I posted some pics of myself to let people know what I look like and to make some online friends. I have enjoyed some of my exchanges with people. They have been entertaining and informative. I’ve learned about books. Movies. One guy is interested in writing and he sent me some of his work and he’s damn GOOD.

But some assholes have assumed that I’m online trying to get laid.

And that is untrue.  Nowhere did I say or even insinuate that I was looking for no-strings sex.

Those pictures are not the least bit suggestive. I’m clad in casual attire, wearing minimal makeup. Which is what I always do. I wasn’t wearing some cheesy get-up from Victoria’s Secret. 

So why did some men think I was out to get picked up?

And if I was in the market for recreational sex, I wouldn’t be interested in carrying on with a man who told me that he was curious about me. Imagine, being in a sexual situation with a person who wants to experiment with you. Hey, I’m not a laboratory animal.

And to the curious guys who want to try out a transsexual, contact an escort service. For a fee, someone will help you out.

Back in the 80's, It Was Easier Being A Transsexual

TransGriot Note: Another insightful post from author Pamela Hayes

Back In The 80's, It was Easier Being A Transsexual
by Pamela Hayes

I have been living as a female for over three decades. I was a teen when I started this transsexual journey. In the beginning, the late 70’s and much of the 80’s, life was sweet. I lived as a woman, took my hormones. Eventually had surgery.... I dated. The men knew I was trans. Some of them introduced me to their family members. And friends. I was escorted to company picnics and Christmas parties. I played horse shoes and danced with their colleagues.

Here and there, people would whisper comments about me. I’m tall, and some people accused me of being a female impersonator. Not in those words, mind you. But for the most part, I was not disrespected or treated differently.

Back then, people dismissed the “That‘s a man” accusations. Think about it. We’re talking about the 70’s and 80’s. Facially, I looked female. I had/have breasts and curves. My voice was/is light and feminine. So to accuse the tall striking lady of being a man was considered a ridiculous statement.

I recall one night, in the early days of my journey, a guy and I went partying on a Tuesday night. After leaving the club, we stopped at 7-11 because I was out of soft drinks and I had to put some in the house.

I bought this big bottle of Pepsi, which they called The Boss back then.

Anyway, I went inside. This man looked me up and down. I could tell he appreciated my appearance. We spoke. He told me, I looked and smelled good. He flirted. Tried to get my phone number. He had been conversing with the clerk. It couldn’t have been anything serious if he was coming on to another woman in her presence.

When I was getting The Boss out of the cooler, I heard the clerk whisper that I was a man. “Girl, you crazy,” he said, supposedly sotto voce. “That woman just tall. Ain’t no damn way that’s a man. Your ass is crazy.”

He said goodnight to me and when he wasn’t looking, I winked at her.

The point of that story is to illustrate that back in the day, when a transsexual’s gender was impugned, people didn’t take it seriously. It was dismissed as a silly statement.

But along came the 90’s. And in the 90’s, when Miss Pamela was pelted with the ”That’s a man” accusation, people listened. Stared at me. Put me under a microscope. They wondered if the statement was true.

However, I can honestly say that most people DO NOT treat me differently. I can tell when people have been told things about me or have suspicions. I can see the confusion or skepticism in their eyes. But for the most part, they're cool. A friend, a cis woman. I know she has qualms about me. I can see it in her face. But once a week, I baby-sit her children.

But in the 90’s, trans women like Tula, and the late Jahna Steele hit the talk show circuit and a plethora of lovely t-women followed, confessing to Maury, Sally Jessy, Phil Donahue and the studio and at home audiences, making people realize that just because a woman was pretty didn’t necessarily mean she was born female.

I don’t know if this makes a lick of sense. But I’d bet some veteran trans girls can relate to what I’ve written.

In Search Of A National Community

We are a people in a quandary about the present. We are a people in search of our future. We are a people in search of a national community.    Rep. Barbara Jordan (D-TX)

When I read that quote from the late Rep. Jordan (damn, I miss her), while it wasn't specifically about the African descended trans community,  it was the first thing I thought about when I pondered her words because it is so applicable to us. .


We are a minority community within a larger marginalized trans one  We African descended transpeople have been in a quandary aimlessly wandering the trans wilderness for almost 50 years.   We have spent our present dealing with problems on multiple fronts while searching for the Promised Land of our future, a unified Afrocentric national community that determines its own political destiny 


Much of the African American trans community's quandaries about our present lie in the fact that much of our history was lost to us.   It happened because our elders passed away without documenting or orally passing on the things they accomplished.   Pioneering African descended trans people followed the HBIGDA/WPATH dictates of the time, transitioned and faded away into their new post surgical lives never to be heard from again as our people's ranks were decimated by the HIV/AIDS pandemic in the 80's.          

In some cases our contributions to TBLG history were whitewashed out of GLBT history or thanks to digitizing of magazines and books it is just now being revealed to us by our elder stateswomen such as Miss Major and Lady Java..   


We are sick and tired of being sick and tired of not being participants in the senior leadership ranks of the national trans community despite taking the brunt of the casualties and anti-trans hatred.   We are frustrated that some of the loudest, most ignorant faith based haters of transpeople share our ethnic heritage.   We are alarmed about the high unemployment rates and HIV/AIDS infection rates ravaging our segment of the trans community    We are disturbed about the shame and guilt issues permeating our community.    We are angry about the deaf ear the predominately white trans community leadership turns to our calls to play a more meaningful role in determining the course of the trans community, but blow our phones and e-mail up when you need melanin for certain photo-ops. 



We are a people in search of our future.   We realized that the situation we were mired in of us being leaderless, adrift, being ignored and disrespected by the white dominated trans leadership and others while feeling like invisible men and women to our African-American cis family is no longer acceptable to us.  

We needed to take control of our destiny and become the empowered mighty people that God created us to be.    It is why we African descended transpeople are looking for visionary leadership during these critical times.   

We are having healthy internal debates about not only what the definition of leadership is as it applies to our community, but the fitness of those persons who step up and offer to lead.

We are also through ongoing dialogue trying to ascertain what the best and most expeditious approach is to building that cumulative power to tackle the myriad problems facing us.   


It is why we are coming out of the shadows  to build the national community we are in search of.     We are taking a lesson from our great grandparents playbook by organizing ourselves.   Since the vanilla trans community isn't or won't willingly share power and the seats at the large table to help shape policy decisions for the community, we'll make it a FUBU project and do it our damned selves.   We are seeking to build lasting national level organizations and infrastructure of our own which will have an Afrocentric stamp to it.

We African descended transpeople will determine our political destiny, not have it dictated to us by people whose policy agendas are hostile to us or don't mesh neatly  with our own.

We are working to eradicate the shame and guilt that plagues our community by pointing out that we have as African descended transpeople a proud history.   We have heroes and sheroes.   We have out and proud African descended transpeople in various walks of life to point to with pride to begin the hard work of dispelling the negative memes that have been pimped about chocolate transpeople. .

The TransGriot is determined that as long as her blog exists, never again will a trans child of African descent or an African American transperson grow up or transition without knowing their chocolate flavored trans history.

Neither shall they do so without knowing who their heroes and sheroes are.. 

The best part is that we are using social media to reach out to each other, communicate, forge those bonds with each other, tell our stories as we continue our ongoing search to build a national community.

Tyjanae Moore Update

Latest news in the Tyjanae Moore case unfolding in the TransGriot's backyard.

TFA Executive Director Cristan Williams had a phone conversation with the Vice President of the security company that employed the officer who instigated the November 17 incident.

He was surprisingly unaware that a situation involving his company and one of his security guards has blown up to become a major news story locally and nationally.

HPD has already initiated an investigation into what happened, so stay tuned to how that will play out.    I'll also keep you peeps updated as to what happens with the security company and the transphobic guard who started this mess in the first place.

Sandy Rawls- Building A Better Transgender Community

Baltimore based activist Sandy Rawls' message entitled 'Building A Better Transgender Community'.

Told y'all it's not just the TransGriot saying that it's past time for a unified African descended trans community, and that this decade would be the 'Decade of the AA Transperson'.

The Black Trans Revolution will not be televised and is already underway.


Preach sis, preach!