Loving Myself Unapologetically

Guest Post by L'lerrét Jazelle Ailith

Marc Lamont Hill asked me once whether or not I ever felt like the burden of being trans was too much and I wanted to give up. I thought about it for a second and then proceeded to tell him that I love my being unapologetically.

What was the pause for, though? I paused because for so long, I internalized hate from the folks around me who couldn't see the beauty in my unique identity. For years, I would take off my makeup and look into the mirror and cry because I wasn't proud of what stared back at me. I thought that seeing this being that wasn't what society ideally thought to be a woman was to be abhorred. I felt that I didn't deserve happiness or love because I looked like an atrocious blend of man and woman. But once I met my chosen family amongst the #blacktransrevolution and realized my worth and worthiness, those thoughts and feelings began to slowly fade away.

Yesterday was such a weighted, stressful day for me and to practice self care, I hopped in the shower and cleansed myself thoroughly for an hour - head to toe. When I stepped out, I took a look in the mirror and cried. I cried not because of shame. I cried not because of disgust. I cried because I was able to look into my own eyes and feel beautiful. I was able to admire the rawness of my face. I saw the happiness and joy oozing out of every orifice. My mouth couldn't stop smiling. My skin was glowing. My eyes were apparent. I cried because never in a million years did I think I would find myself in a place where even without my beauty routine having been implemented, I would take pride in my being. I cried because I have been through SO FUCKING MUCH to get to a place where I feel worthy and content and to finally feel that being actualized was so overwhelming.

F**k beauty norms or ideals.... this is about loving the brown skin that I'm in! I didn't pick away at my features like I normally would. I looked at myself and I told her how much I loved her. She smiled and blew me a kiss. She thanked me for releasing her from her prison of shame and insecurity. She was free. I am free. And with this freedom - this pride - I was provided with a voice to announce my existence and honor my journey. Terrell and L'lerrét's voices have intertwined to produce something so fantastic.... something so unstoppable. I fought and fought and now look at her! All vivacious and unapologetic and whatnot! haha

And I thank my #blacktransrevolution family for helping to see that happen; for fostering and nurturing this blossoming security. Y'all so cute! I can only wish to continue building community and loving on you all so that more and more girls and boys and anyone in between can feel the same joy that I feel in this moment. This is infectious and I want every single one of my revolutionary comrades to catch this too. I can't wait to go into the house of worship in late November and fellowship with my people at #TransVoices! We are the revolution.

It Is Revolutionary To Be Trans

Laverne Cox was speaking tell it like it T-I-S is truth when she stated, "It is revolutionary for any trans person to choose to be seen and visible in a world that tells us we should not exist."


And the world tries to send us that message in multiple ways.   We have the cisgender know-nothings who in spite of overwhelming visual, historical, cultural and medical evidence continue to deny there's no such thing as trans people.  Christofascists who are now trying to retool and peddle their failed ex-gay conversion therapies in our direction.   Media people who try to have disrespectful, insulting genitalia centered conversations about who they think we are without having us at the table.  

And sadly, there are the wastes of DNA who use extreme violence to kill us as we navigate the world.

Yes, it is a monumental task to try to navigate being trans in a world that can be at times brutally hostile to us. 

But one of the things that will get us through it is overcoming the shame, guilt and fear that the hostile world and others try to saddle us with by turning it into self-esteem and self love.

It is a self esteem and self love built upon a rock solid foundation of pride in being a trans person, faith in yourself and whatever you call the Higher Power and knowledge of our proud history.

I love this quote by Dr. Louise Hart in which she says, "Self-esteem is as important to our well being as legs to a table.  It is essential for mental and physical health and happiness."

While it can seem like we trans people in the borrowed words of Denny Upkins are ice skating uphill in our ongoing attempts to build that healthy self esteem in the face of a world that consistently pushes the message we don't exist, it doesn't mean that it will never happen for us either.   You can and must as a trans human being as a necessary survival strategy develop healthy self-esteem in order to navigate a world hostile to us.

We unfortunately have to work a lot harder at not only achieving it, but maintaining it.   

But when you do achieve that goal, it makes it so much easier to be out, proud of who you are and the wonderful evolutionary human being who just happens to be visibly trans you are.

When you love yourself, consistently work on building your self-esteem and live your life to the best of your abilities,  you can then begin the revolutionary process of being seen, visible and living your trans flavored life. 

If cis people inside and outside the TBLG community don't like it, tough.  They can #bemad and #staymad about the fact you are a revolutionary, and it is revolutionary to be the wonderful person of trans experience you are.  
  

You're A Superhero

"Because having the power to love yourself and others enough to fight for better in a world that fears and hates you, is nothing short of a superheroic feat in and of itself."-- Denny Upkins
 
I have some pretty smart people I hang around with don't I?

Denny's comment has some serious truth to it as well.  As a marginalized person we deal with on an almost daily basis microaggressive and macroaggressive discrimination aimed at us and the challenge of living in a world that is mostly hostile to us.

But yet many of us get out of bed every morning, look in the mirror, smile at it, and get ready to face the self-esteem challenging day ahead of us.

Some of us have developed over time and through facing many trials and obstacles in our lives such an unshakeable self love for ourselves that it does enable us to confidently go about our daily lives and defeat whatever challenges come our way. 

Yes, we have superheroes walking amongst us.  They have superstrengthened character.  They have the vision to imagine a better world.  They have the endurance to run the race and fight the battles that will change society for the better.  They whip out the utility belt of justice to combat injustice and unjust laws.   They break out the Lasso of Truth when necessary to stamp out lies and disinformation spread about our trans lives.  They have the steely determination to win when others in their community express fading hope that it will ever happen for girls and guys like us.

Those superheroes have decided they want a better world for the people who come behind them, and are willing to rise up and do what it takes to make that world a reality.   Sometimes those people may fail in that lofty task  Sometimes they show signs they are oh so human in terms of being frustrated with the pace of change or rocked by events beyond their control. 

But they continue to fight for themselves and the community they love until they win. 

But superhero status isn't just reserved for the people who stand up and fight for truth, justice and human rights for all.  You are a superhero for just getting up every day to live your authentic lives against the odds.  For telling the world this is who I am and I will have the last word on who the person is that I project to the world.  

And we have our superhero sidekicks and allies who aid us in our mission of being the best people we can be and fighting for a decent, just and humane world. 

Yes, you're a superhero.  And don't ever let anyone tell you you're not or allow someone to make you feel like you are less than human.. 
 

Diamond Stylz-Being And Living Your Gender Unapologetically

Diamond Stylz rocks!   My Houston homegirl penned a post combined with video on the subject and I loved what she had to say about living your trans life and gender identity in an unapologetic manner.

As I say repeatedly, transpeople are part of the diverse mosaic of human life.  Elements of you out there need to remember that, stand up, stand tall and be proud of being a woman of trans experience.  

Here's what Diamond had to say:

Don't we claim to be just like regular people? Then start acting like it. I know some manly looking biological females who identify as women. When people mistake them for men. They don't make it a trigger for a depression episode. They say “No sweetie, I'm a woman”…and move on with their life. On  personal note, I use to get so insecure when someone would say “ooo you’re tall for a woman” because I'm almost 5’11…. UNTIL…I saw a bio woman who was taller than me get the same statement at Burger King. She smile and said “Yea I am. Can I get no onions and extra mayo on that burger?” That one few seconds change my whole perspective of how I interacted with the world… YEA I AM …NOW MOVING ON

Aiming Higher

One of the things that has been foremost on my mind ever since I transitioned in 1994 and I was painfully aware of was the negative images of African descended transwomen.  We were already working from a visibility and  knowledge deficit not only in my own community, but the rainbow community as well.

One of the things I resolved to do was change that negative perception of us, and I was determined to role model that finer specimen of womanhood that Sharon Davis talked about in her 1987 book.

While it has taken some time, my African descended transsisters are finally making headway in that department.  We're beginning to get the message out that there are African American transwomen who are aiming higher in terms of how we project ourselves to the world as our chocolate trans history continues to be revealed to us.

Our elder stateswomen are stepping out of the shadows, telling their stories and providing us with the guidance and mentoring that we've needed for a long time to ground us.  As we received that grounding combined with our spirituality, the transwomen of my generation are in a better position to pick up that leadership torch, mentor our younger counterparts and learn lessons from our younglings as well.  

As we fight to overcome the shame, guilt and self esteem issues that plague us at times, we must work to debunk the negative PR images we've been saddled with and relentlessly focus on how we accentuate our positive aspects to the world.   We also must be cognizant of the negative perceptions of us inside the African-American community and work to overcome them.

We transwomen desire true sisterhood with our cis sisters, but not in a devalued junior partner sense.  That sisterhood must be based on respect for our humanity.  We share a common history and cultural bond, and the sooner you realize that the sooner we can get to work building mutually beneficial relationships that benefit both parties. 

We find ourselves in the Black trans community slowly but surely building sisterhood and community that will serve us well in the future.  However, we must still keep reaching out to those transwomen who haven't gotten with the program and who haven't clued in to the fact that this is a new decade requiring a new attitude and a new paradigm in terms of being an African descended transwoman.  

As we own our power, that positive attitude and desire to aim higher as African descended transwomen is taking hold in our ranks.  It demands that we not only represent ourselves to the best of our abilities, but step up to the challenge of being compliments to Black womanhood and not considered detriments to it.

I am gratified to see some of my young transsisters who are part of our most information laden and tech savvy generation already role modeling in their own lives what I'm expressing in this post, and it's not too late for the rest of us to aim higher and make adjustments in our own lives where they are necessary.

So let's aim higher Black transwomen.  Let's become more concerned about how we present ourselves to the world.  We need to work to be judged by the best we produce, not the worst in addition to working diligently to shatter myths and destroy stereotypes about us..  

Let's not only be better sisters to each other, but work tirelessly to build sisterhood in our ranks and across the Diaspora.  Trans younglings, respect and value your trans elders and the wisdom they have to pass on to you, and at the same time we trans elders need to open our hearts and minds and listen to what you have to say. 

Lets not ever forget the transsisters we tragically lost along the way as we get to this pivotal moment in our history as African descended transpeople.

Lucy Craft Laney said in 1880 that "Black women are the regenerative force to uplift the race."

It's past time for Black transwomen to aim higher and not only be the regenerative force to uplift ourselves and the trans community, but our Black BLG/SGL one, the Black community, our nations we inhabit across the Diaspora and the world.

TransGriot Note: women in the photos are Janet Mock, Cheryl Courtney-Evans and Tona Brown