Open Letter To Trinity About Relationships

Dear Trini,
I understand from your mom that you are concerned that because you are a young Black trans girl blossoming into an awesome woman, that you will not find love because you are Black and trans.

Little Sis, I definitely feel you and understand why you're concerned about this subject.  While it hasn't been easy for me and some of your Black trans feminine elders when it comes to us finding that forever love., know that being Black and trans is not an impediment or insurmountable barrier for eventually finding the right person to love, be they cisgender or transgender. 

I know Black trans women that have not only managed to date successfully, they have found their life partners in the process.

And as someone who has been single for a while, I'm deliriously happy that they are.

Who are they, you're probably asking?   Let me pull out the receipts and show you who some of your Black trans elders who have found love are. 

I'll start with Precious Brady Davis.   She not only has been happily married to her husband Myles,  we call then in Black Trans World the Trans Obamas.

In addition, Precious' search for the perfect wedding gown was broadcast on the show Say Yes To The Dress: Atlanta

Need more proof?   Janet Mock.     She has been happily married to her man Aaron for several years now.  She got married back in November 2015.

As for Black trans women who are in relationships, my homegirl Jessica Zyrie has been in a relationship for several months with her boyfriend Alexander Lane Miller.   

Myself and everyone observing them can see they are both in love with each other.

All of us who love Alexander and Jessica are rooting for them to also jump the broom should their relationship develop to that level.

Laverne Cox has recently revealed that she is dating her boyfriend Kyle and has been doing so for a year.   She has been upfront about her dating struggles, and it's nice to know that someone finally has noted the quality woman she is and stepped to her. 

That's before I even mention some of my Black trans girlfriends who are non disclosed, and either were or still are married.   The other point I want to make is that those people I'm shouting out  were (or still are) married for a decade or longer.

I also have to mention some of our trailblazing Black trans feminine transcestors.   Lucy Hicks Anderson got married twice in her fascinating life.

Same with Georgia Black.   She got married twice in her life in large part because she outlived both her husbands.

Every year that I go to BTAC in Dallas, I see romance blooming at that unapologetically Black trans conference.   Some of the relationships that started there have eventually led to marriage, while other relationships went on and then fizzled out for a wide variety of reasons. 

That's life.  Some people are in your relationship life to teach you specific lessons or show you what you DON'T want in a relationship or life partner.   That happens so that when your soulmate does come into your life, you'll know it. 

So Trini, the best advice I can give you is to focus on being the best Trini you can be.  The relationship will come. 

And whoever that wise person is that eventually hooks up with you in a relationship will be extremely blessed to have you.

Love you,
Aunt Monica

Once Again, Dating A Trans Woman Doesn't Make A Cis Man Gay

There are rumors that actor Keanu Reeves is dating actress Jamie Clayton.   Hey, if it's true I couldn't be happier for them as a couple and hope it lasts a while for both of them.

As to people who are tripping about it, your problem with this relationship would be what? That Jamie is a girl like us?  

I repeat, and your problem with that would be?

Once again I and other trans women around the Net are going to have to remind some of you clueless cis peeps that are going to salaciously go there and either misgender Clayton or question Reeves' sexuality about a couple of salient points.

The first point I need to make is that trans women are women, regardless of the genitalia configuration in our panties, which by the way is none of your business. 

Second, gender identity and sexual orientation are separate and distinct issues. Sexual orientation is who you like to go to bed with, gender identity is the person who you go to bed as.

There are guys who prefer or like to date trans women.. It's no different that guys who like blondes, brunettes, women with short or long hair, Black, White, Latina or Asian women, full figured women, women with slim builds, big breasts, A cup breasts, short women, tall women....you get the picture.

And it's not like trans women who are attracted to men don't have the qualities that allow us to get and keep whatever man we want.that is attracted to us.  Some of us so moved those guys hearts they hurried up, put a ring on our fingers and married us.

And in many cases, they have been so happy they did so.

Trans women come in all shapes, sizes, ethnic backgrounds and types just like our cis feminine counterparts.  Just as there are tall girls like me, I also know petite, size 8 shoe wearing girl like us divas and that 'linebacker in a dress' stereotype is so disco era.. Remember, some of my sisters are drop dead gorgeous and photogenic enough to have been walking the world's fashion runways since the 60's.

And even if they aren't walking runways, I personally know enough attractive, smart, and talented trans women who would make nice partners for anyone who gave themselves the chance and the opportunity to at least go on a date or two and get to know us.

We trans women are not only looking for love, we deserve to be loved, too.

So no, I'm not surprised that Jamie Clayton is dating Keanu Reeves if it's true.  Let's be real, Jamie is one attractive girl, and sooner or later somebody was going to romantically step to her.  .It's not like guys in Hollywood haven't been averse to dating trans women, they were doing so back in the day and still are.

Unfortunately some of those relationships were on the down low, and when the paparazzi or the tabloids finally caught up with them, the trans woman would get thrown under the publicity bus.

I'm hoping that if this is true, that it sparks a conversation about the men who love us inside and outside Trans World.   It's one we've needed to have for a long time.

Another conversation we have need to have is dispelling the jacked up and misgendering myth that a cis man dating a transwoman automatically makes his gay, and it needs to die.  What you are doing when you say that is erase the femininity of the trans woman in question and misgendering her, and that's mighty transphobic of you when you do so.

So no, dating a trans woman doesn't make a cis man gay.   Daring another man, trans or cis does.

TransGriot Note:  The photos in this post are of Jamie Clayton, Harisu, Angelica Ross, Lea T. and Geena Rocero.

Happy Valentine's Day 2015!

Happy Valentine's Day to all you TransGriot readers who are booed up, in long term relationships, engaged or married.

On this day dedicated to love and all lovers, I was happy along with everyone else in Trans World to hear that our fave power couple in Myles Brady and Precious Davis have gotten engaged.

And I couldn't be happier for them.

Going to be fun to watch as they not only set their wedding date, but see them put together their wedding.

As for when that will happen for me?  Don't know.  It's one of the areas in my life that hasn't been as successful for me as I would like, and I haven't really focused on it.

If it's meant for me to be in a relationship, cool.  If it's not, I'll deal with it.  As I said in last year's VDay post,. as long as I have chocolate, Hershey's chocolate syrup and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream, I'm good. 

Happy Valentine's Day y'all.

ELIXHER Post On Trans Women Of Color In Love

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and I'll be scarfing up discounted candy all by myself when that day arrives.  

As I have joked in numerous VDay posts, I have been wandering the dating Sinai so long that the Israelites headed to the dating Promised Land passed me and shook their heads.

But I ain't mad at you peeps who have found significant others.  

And while I know and I'm aware of in my long interactions with the trans community of trans women being in long term relationships that also include marriage, I'm loving this ELIXHER post that focuses on ten trans women of color in love.

Some of the people featured in it are the recently engaged Janet Mock to her longtime beau Aaron Tredwell,  our fave recently engaged trans power couple in Precious Davis and Myles Brady, and our recently married couple Ruby Corado-Walker and David Walker.

But there are other couples featured in this article who tell their stories, and thanks to founding editor Kimberley McLeod for having the vision to write this piece and let them as a longtime trans ally to do so.

Kat Blaque-Are Men That Like Transsexuals Gay?

I've expressed my opinion about that subject (no they aren't), and it's a major reason why I post the 'Ask A Trans Attracted Man' videos of Troy on TransGriot when he talks about the same subject from the trans attracted cis male spectrum.

I like giving my video blogging sisters and brothers the spotlight from time to time to discuss various subjects, and have has the pleasure of posting Kat Blaque's takes on issues from time to time.  

With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, it was the perfect time to discuss the subject and show the following video in which Kat takes on the long running topic of whether men who like transsexuals are gay.

Valentine's Day 2013-Still Searching For That Love Connection

' It's a day for romance that for many of us won't result in someone leaving us heart shaped boxes of chocolate, presents, gifts of jewelry, stuffed animals, getting flowers delivered to our addresses, a sentimental call from a person we describe as our sweethearts or a marriage proposal from the person we love.'

TransGriot  'Love Can Be Hard For A Transwoman To Find ' 
February 14, 2012

366 days have passed (last year was a leap year) since I wrote that post and one of the things that was depressingly consistent in the run up to Valentine's Day 2013 is as I perused my FB messages from other #girlslikeus is the realization that many of us once again would not be in a coupled relationship before or after this day is over.

But hey, our cis sisters are having the same problems finding someone to spend their lives with, too.

For those of you blessed enough to have someone fawning all over you, congratulations... I ain't mad at you, especially on this day for the lovers on the calendar.

As for when it's going to happen for me?  Who knows?   .

Enjoy some of the other Valentine's Day themed posts I've previously written.

Diamond Stylz Chats With A Trans-Attracted Man

Y'all know I love the video blog of my Houston homegirl Diamond Stylz because she not only has her own definite opinions about a wide variety of subjects, she tackles some interesting topics as well.

One of the highlights of the 2012 Trans Faith In Color Conference for me was finally getting to meet her.  I still chuckle about the fact that despite us living in the same town, that was the first opportunity we had to meet each other.  And Diamond, still haven't forgotten I owe you a video interview.

But moving on to the gist of this post.

If you've ever wondered what's up with the cismen who love us, you'll want to catch this latest episode of Diamond's video blog as she interviews one of the brothers who love us and why.

.  


And when you're done viewing this one, you may wish to peruse some of the other topics Diamond has tackled in previous video offerings.

Yo Hallmark Channel, Black People Fall In Love, Too

Last Saturday after watching my Cougars win their game against Alabama-Birmingham and Oklahoma run over Texas, I was college footballed out.  I'd already compiled my post for Sunday morning and decided to step away from the Net for a few hours and indulge my other passion.

I'm an admitted romantic and love reading romance novels.   While flipping through the cable channels for something to watch other than the news or a sporting event I stumbled across the tail end of a romance movie on the Hallmark Channel that intrigued me called 'How To Fall In Love' starring Ugly Betty's Eric Mabius, Brooke D'Orsay and Kathy Najimy.

Mabius plays a shy photographer who enlists the aid of a dating coach to help him get over his wallflower approach to dating that has plagued him since his youth.   The dating coach (Brooke D'orsay) turns out to be a popular girl he had a crush on in high school that he hadn't quite gotten over a decade later.  

While I liked the movie, which actually premiered on the network back on July 21 (and I won't tell y'all how it ends)  the next two movies including the one I watched that evening had the same glaring issue in terms of being overwhelmingly vanillacentric.

Hallmark Channel, far from being as diverse as it claims, definitely isn't.  The next two made for the channel romance movies also featured white peeps falling in love in various scenarios.  

Hello Hallmark Channel, non-white people fall in love too.   Ever see the movie Hitch?   Ever read the books of one of my fave award winning romance authors in Kayla Perrin?  

Maybe y'all should give Kayla a call and turn one of her novels into a movie.

Yes, Black people fall in love, get married, buy romance novels, and like watching romance movies, too.   It would be nice to see ourselves occasionally represented in your made for TV romances especially since we persons of colors are part of the 87 million homes that have Hallmark Channel as part of their cable package.

So can a sister at least occasionally get to see a romance movie that features characters that look like them and share their ethnic heritage?   
   

Transgenders And Love: Yes It's A Minefield

Cheryl Courtney-Evans has another post up at Abitchforjustice that needs to be seen by you loyal TransGriot readers and everyone else that's interested in perusing it. 

It also struck a chord with me because I definitely empathize with her in terms of the dating game issues. 

So I call him and the conversation is very positive and looking up until...because I'm a gal who doesn't like misunderstandings...I inform a man from the beginning what to expect from me (I'm a pre-op transwoman).... BAM! I get that, "Well I don't mess with no men..." I don't want to hear another word; I hit "end" on the cell and erase the number I've put in my phone.

This scenario has happened often enough that when I'm approached in similar ways at other times, I have kept numbers but not called because I dread the possibility of hearing those same words in different ways...I must admit though, that sometimes I debate with myself for up to a week before erasing them, asking myself, "Did he know, and just respect me as the gender I represent, or did he not know?"  The repercussion possibilities inherent in setting a stranger straight in a public place always make me wait until this phone conversation.

Check out the rest of Cheryl's post here at Abitchforjustice

When Will Trans Attracted Folks Get It?

Cheryl Courtney-Evans over at Abitchforjustice has an interesting post up in which she talks about the shortcomings of the men who profess to love trans women.and calls on them to step up their romantic games.

But now, with regard to that "marriage equality/civil union/relationship" thing, what is going on with the trans community? I'm always hearing fellas who claim trans-attraction wondering, "Where is there a good transwoman for me? I'd like a 'wifey'. ", but how many of them are stepping up and openly expressing their desire and attraction for transwomen?

I've also heard "I don't want a hustlin' transwoman, or an escort...too many transwomen are just hustlers...", of course without taking into consideration the continued societal refusal to employ us, which is the underlying factor that results in so many of us being chronically unemployed. Will they ever suspend this judgment and get with a woman ready to "square up", when there's a mutual attraction, perhaps helping her while she does? Hmmm, I've known this to happen on only a couple of occasions to my personal knowledge. But these same men will expect a transwoman (employed or not) to accept them as they are, employed or not...she's suppose to want them in her space "just because" (sometimes even living with her).

Head on over to her blog and read the rest of this post. 

Message To The Men Who Want To Love Us

It takes balls pardon the pun to be a transwoman. We go through a lot of crap just to be the women we are and any cisgender man who steps to us romantically needs to recognize that fact first and foremost.

No insecure men or playa-playas need apply when it comes to the job of being our mates because you are going to get a lot of bull feces from society for dating a transwoman, be she pre, post or non-op.

You are going to need to be more man than you usually are in a relationship with a transwoman. She has to fight so many battles just to exist in this world and have her femininity respected and will need a little extra TLC to get past that.

Despite the shade thrown at us from our detractors we are not 'men' despite the time we spent on the other side of the gender fence. She doesn't need additional drama in her romantic life from the man that claims to love her.   She doesn't need to come home to a man who lies to her, cheats on her, or in the middle of an argument slips up and calls her a 'man' or some other misgendering epithet in the middle of said argument.

She also doesn't need you threatening to leave her for a 'real woman' because 'you can't have my child.'

Just like you expect us to accept you 'menz' being works in progress, so are we.  Transwomen are just like any other women on the planet in terms of our ongoing evolution and maturation into becoming the best persons we can be. 

So the first way to frack up with us is treat us like one of your homeboys.   Transwomen like flowers, candy, and being wined and dined just like any other estrogen based lifeform on the planet.  If you aren't fully committed to dealing with the fact that you are going to have to step up your romantic game to make a transwoman feel safe, secure, desired and wanted in this relationship so she feels comfortable enough to reciprocate, or you have a fetishistic attraction to transwomen, then don't step to her.

Bottom line, love us and step to us like you would a cis woman.   If you do that, you'll find you'll get major cool points from said transwomen for doing so.  

Love Can Be Hard For A Transwoman To Find

Valentine's Day is one that can be hard on single people and especially single transpeeps. 

We are not only surrounded by cisgender couples gay and straight expressing their love for each other, we're drowned in an avalanche of romantic movies, songs, radio and television commercials in the weeks leading up to it.

It's a day for romance that for many of us won't result in someone leaving us heart shaped boxes of chocolate, presents, gifts of jewelry, stuffed animals, getting flowers delivered to our addresses, a sentimental call from a person we describe as our sweethearts or a marriage proposal from the person we love.

As I wrote in a Valentine's Day post last year, I've been wandering in the dating Sinai for so long the Israelites passed me a few times on their way to the Promised Land and shook their heads.

The approach of this day also has me at times pondering my dating history pre-transition as well as what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship just to say I have a significant other.  I have high standards and I will not water them down under any circumstances, even if it means I could possibly be alone for the rest of my life.  

What makes Valentine's Day and weddings so painful at times for me is that unlike some transwomen, I've actually had the experience of being a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding.


So near, but yet so far away from it actually happening for me.  

While there is a possibility it can still happen for me as one of my guest commentators Pamela Hayes reminded me (who is one of my transsisters who is happily married) when I talked about it on my Facebook page, I'm not holding my breath either. 

I'm also quite aware of the fact that with each birthday I celebrate, my already long odds for doing so dwindle in terms of making that romantic happy ending happen for me.  

But if it does, I'll be happily writing the 'I Was Wrong' post for that one

After the honeymoon, of course.