Congratulations Johanna And Dustin!

Congrats to one of my sisters Johanna Saavedra, who got married to Dustin Wallace in LA back on January 29.

So happy for Johanna finding the love of her life and hope that she and Dustin have a long, healthy and happy married life together.

You also give those girls like us hope that one day we'll get to follow in your wedding footsteps and find someone who loves us enough that they will want to put a ring on our fingers and marry us too.

'Her Story' West Coast Premiere

You know I have mad love for Jen Richards, and can't wait for the web series premiere of Her Story to happen on the website January 19.

Wednesday night it had its West Coast premiere in the West Hollywood City Council chambers to a packed house that included my Houston homegirl Nikki Araguz Loyd, the cast of  Her Story, casting directors, actors, and West Hollywood Mayor Lindsey Horvath who presented a proclamation to the cast and crew.

The Advocate's Dawn Ennis was in the house to cover what happened, and here's her take on it.

One of the things that needs to happen in 2016 and beyond is more media productions written, acted, directed and produced by trans people so that we can tell our stories in the way they deserve to be told.

As I and others have pointed out, having Hollywood doing just that is just as important to our trans human rights movement as all the lobbying we do at the local, state and federal levels for human rights laws that protect us.   Positive media coverage, and especially accurate portrayals of us in non-fiction and fictional stories paves the way for that to happen.

It's why I'm rooting for the blockbuster success of Her Story,.and hope it leads to a second season for it and more of our stories being aired on network and cable television.  

Trans Women, Stop Attacking The Men Who Love Us

I've also discussed the fact that girls like us need to do a better job of appreciating the men who do genuinely love us (and not in a fetishistic way).

If we trans women want to have stable, long lasting relationships that will result in them putting a ring on our fingers we've got to do our part to deal with our shame, guilt and fear issues and love ourselves so we can properly love somebody else.
And naw cis men, loving a girl like us doesn't make you gay.
-TransGriot, February 4, 2013 

My San Antonio based video blogging sis  Nicole Ramos told the truth about this issue.  So has my Houston based blogging homegirl Diamond Stylz. and now I want to build on what she said in terms of trans women and our relationships with men, be they cis or trans.

I also wish to build on the comments of Cheryl Courtney-Evans and what she had to say about the subject.

The ultimate goal in the romance game is to find someone who loves you for who you are and who wishes to spend the rest of their life with you.

What has got me thinking about it is not only Nicole's video blog post, but many of the previous videos I've posted on this blog from Troy, who discusses the fact that he unapologetically prefers trans women and some of the issues that crop up along the way on his YouTube Channel ..  

Troy has been the godfather of the movement to get trans attracted men to not only name and claim the fact they love us, but battle the shame and guilt issues in their ranks.

At the same time Troy has sought to point out to the rest of the world that loving a trans woman doesn't automatically devalue their masculinity.

I also need to point out there are trans men who are attracted to trams women, as the upcoming marriage of Precious Davis and Myles Brady this summer emphatically demonstrates.

What is bothering me is that far too often, I've observed that my trans sisters who are chasing pseudo cis privilege diss the cis and trans men who love us.  They fling the term 'chaser' like an epithet at the cis guys who love us and think of us as viable LTR partners.  They also dismiss the trans men who love and see us as people they wish to spend the rest of their lives with by shadily saying they want a 'real man' to woo them.

By doing that, you are devaluing your own femininity, and are saying at the same time you are unworthy of being loved.

Well, in the 2K16 and beyond my sisters, we need to reject that negative and destructive thinking because we trans women are worthy of being loved.

Let me say that again.  Trans women, you are worthy of being loved.  

Note to the cis women out there who like to throw shade at us, we don't have to 'trick' or 'deceive' a man to get his romantic attention.  Most of the time, they are stepping to us because they like what they see and like our personalities even better.

Speaking of stepping to us, just because a cis man loves a trans woman, it does not diminish or devalue his masculinity or make him gay.

Now my sisters. if a guy is only looking at us as his exotic fetishistic fantasy, call his ass out.  Also call out the guys who don't recognize your femininity.  The primary person you have to please in a relationship situation is yourself.  You do not have to accept a substandard relationship, one that disrespects your humanity or your femininity, or one that makes you unhappy because you want to prove to the outside world you are feminine enough to get a man.

Quality is what you need to be looking for, not quantity.  Waiting for the person who is best suited for you and makes you happy may take a while, but is worth it in the end.  

Can The Rick and Maya B&B Relationship Lead To An Enlightened Attitude Toward Trans Relationships?

Yesterday Maya Avant told her boyfriend Rick Forrester on the CBS soap 'The Bold and the Beautiful that she is trans.

Rick didn't take the news well initially, but when Maya was about to walk out of the door of that Big Bear cabin and out of his life forever with her heart breaking in the process, Rick once again declared his love for her.

We'll see how the rest of their relationship transpires, especially as media mogul Bill Spencer is about to blast Maya's trans business all over the tabloids in upcoming episodes along with the various reactions of the B&B characters to that news..

But the happy tears I was shedding as this episode transpired led to me doing some hard solid thinking in the wake of it.   I know that many relationships in which a cis man dates a trans woman don't survive her telling her partner, and in far too many instances, the trans woman faces the risk of intimate partner violence when she does disclose her status.

But the other question I pondered in the wake of this broadcast is will the broadcast of the Maya and Rick romance finally lead to a honest discussion about the stigma and attacks on their masculinity that cis men like Rick endure for dating a trans woman they love and the attacks on the femininity of the trans women that are the objects of their affection?

While we have instances in our community in which you have couples like Myles and Precious who are trans masculine and trans feminine people who love each other enough they are engaged to be married, far more prevalent are hetero normative relationships in which a trans man is coupled with a cis feminine partner and a cis man is coupled with a trans feminine partner.

It's been happening ever since Christine Jorgensen stepped off the airplane from Denmark in 1953 and Cupid's arrows stared targeting their hearts.  

Pioneering French trans woman Jacqueline Charlotte Dufresnoy married her first husband at Paris' Notre Dame Cathedral in 1960.

But that was in an era before the TERF's started attacking the femininity of trans women in the early 70's, and the rise of the gay rights movement led to a social conservative backlash and attack on the human rights of LGBT people.

The bottom line is that trans men are MEN, and trans women are WOMEN, but for far too long cis men who love us enough to pursue us and put a ring on our fingers have had their masculinity questioned.  

Some of those cis men have even experienced the discrimination their trans partners get as the trans women, especially if their trans partner was low or no disclosure until yanked into the spotlight.   And as Mister Cee discovered, your masculinity, especially when it is revealed that you like trans women, is rigidly and at times viciously policed.

That scrutiny and hostility is magnified if you are a cis man who admits that you like and prefer dating trans women as my brother Troy has pointed out to me in numerous conversations over the years.

Even Hollywood has demonized trans women and the men who love us.  The movie Ted 2 has a scene in which derogatory comments are made by the teddy bear when he finds out his friend has trans porn on his computer.

We need to have an ongoing conversation about our relationships in which the baseline for having it is that our femininity as trans women is not erased and the cis men who prefer us as their partners are not demonized for doing so. 

The cis men who love us are going to have to step up and meet us trans women halfway.  They are going to have to come out of the shadows and say in no uncertain terms they love us, we are the women they want to marry, and to kiss their behinds if you don't like it.  

If a soap opera storyline can lead to an enlightened conversation about a real world issue, then by all means lets get that conversation started.

Happy Valentine's Day 2015!

Happy Valentine's Day to all you TransGriot readers who are booed up, in long term relationships, engaged or married.

On this day dedicated to love and all lovers, I was happy along with everyone else in Trans World to hear that our fave power couple in Myles Brady and Precious Davis have gotten engaged.

And I couldn't be happier for them.

Going to be fun to watch as they not only set their wedding date, but see them put together their wedding.

As for when that will happen for me?  Don't know.  It's one of the areas in my life that hasn't been as successful for me as I would like, and I haven't really focused on it.

If it's meant for me to be in a relationship, cool.  If it's not, I'll deal with it.  As I said in last year's VDay post,. as long as I have chocolate, Hershey's chocolate syrup and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream, I'm good. 

Happy Valentine's Day y'all.

ELIXHER Post On Trans Women Of Color In Love

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and I'll be scarfing up discounted candy all by myself when that day arrives.  

As I have joked in numerous VDay posts, I have been wandering the dating Sinai so long that the Israelites headed to the dating Promised Land passed me and shook their heads.

But I ain't mad at you peeps who have found significant others.  

And while I know and I'm aware of in my long interactions with the trans community of trans women being in long term relationships that also include marriage, I'm loving this ELIXHER post that focuses on ten trans women of color in love.

Some of the people featured in it are the recently engaged Janet Mock to her longtime beau Aaron Tredwell,  our fave recently engaged trans power couple in Precious Davis and Myles Brady, and our recently married couple Ruby Corado-Walker and David Walker.

But there are other couples featured in this article who tell their stories, and thanks to founding editor Kimberley McLeod for having the vision to write this piece and let them as a longtime trans ally to do so.

Where's The Black Trans Man-Black Trans Woman Romantic Love?

June is the traditional start for the wedding season and just like 'errbody' else, trans masculine and trans feminine people are searching for that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with.

In my case that's been a so far futile search, but as a hopeless romantic I remain somewhat optimistic it may happen for me someday since I see it happening for so many of my trans sisters .

What drove me to write this post is something that was mentioned in the PTHC workshop I facilitated on Friday but we ran out of time to properly explore it. 

One person asked the question during the discussion that was centering on the unity theme at that moment why Black transwomen and Black transmen haven't been hooking up in relationships with each other. 

It was a valid question, seeing that I know of Black trans women hooked up with long-term relationships with cis men and Black trans men doing the reverse with cis women.

Why haven't we seen more often the no-brainer situation of transmasculine and transfeminine people not only hooking up in long term relationships, but marrying each other?   What is preventing us from doing that? 

I say it's a no-brainer situation because it eliminates one of the impediments in a trans-cis relationship in terms of the ''When does the transperson disclose that history?' scenario.

I have no problem with trans people marrying the people they love be they cis or trans.   But what I would like to see is more instances of hetero oriented Black transmen and Black transwomen getting into healthy relationships with each other that lead to long-term relationships and possibly marriage. 

We briefly touched on it before time ran out, but the initial short answer is steeped in the gender binary and internalized transphobia we navigate in the community.   In order to be seen as a 'real man', a transman must date and eventually if they're fortunate enough to have found the right person, marry a cis woman.    Their emerging masculinity will be called into question if they are seen dating transwomen.   

The reverse dynamic is also somewhat true with trans women hooked up with trans attracted men who revere them.  

Some trans feminine women see it as a test of our budding femininity to see if we are attractive enough to get and keep a cis man.   It's even more of a feather in their cap if they are 'woman enough' to get him to stay in their lives even if we reveal our trans feminine status.

But frankly, just as some transmen need to stop believing the negativity and real woman' shade about transwomen, we transwomen also need to stop focusing on a transman's genitalia and recognize the content of his character just as we insist people do with us.

As Precious Davis said in a comment on her Facebook page that accompanied the initial photo, 'Black trans men and Black trans women loving each other is revolutionary'.

It damned sure is.   And we need to do a better job of role modeling the mutual respect and friendships which will allow that love to blossom and grow.  

Time To Deal With The Contentious Relationship Between Cis Black Men And Cis Black Women

I commented on that disgusting video earlier this week that has been generating somewhat heated discussion across the Blackosphere and beyond.  

But in the wake of me posting my response to it, it also gave me time to contemplate why has the relationship between cis Black women and cis Black men gotten this contentious? 

Is it as bad as this video indicates?

I sincerely hope it isn't.  I hope it was just a random event that happened to have a camera around to capture it.. 

My sis Laverne Cox mentioned during one of her speeches at UNC-Chapel Hill a few weeks ago that she was saddened to hear the go-to gender identifying terms among younglings are not male and female, but the n-word and the b-word.

Ouch.  And yeah, that's a problem.  Then toss into this volatile mix misogyny, stir in resentment on both sides, bake and voila, drama will ensue. 

Some elements of our Black male population are resenting the fact that sistahs are not only getting their educations and degrees, but getting the stacks of Benjamins and CEO positions that come with those degrees.

Some sistahs are upset that when they do make the sacrifices to get that sheepskin, elevate their status, and reach that point in their lives they are ready to get married and have children with men who have the same status levels and ethnic background they do, they irritatingly see that pool of brothers increasingly getting coupled with non-Black women..

Whether this is just one of the issues feeding into that drama between Black men and Black women, or there are others to add to these two I briefly mentioned, whatever the drama is that's causing heightened agitation between Black men and Black women and damaging our potential to form long lasting romantic relationships with each other needs to be squashed as soon as possible. 

We have a long laundry list of problems to deal with as a community that need our undivided attention to solve together without having adding hostility between Black men and Black women to it.    .

And if it means we Black trans men and trans women end up being the ones who step up to role model what a healthy relationship looks like between Black men and Black women to the cis Black community and the world, then let's get busy Black trans community doing so.

The time has come for us as a community to deal with the contentious relationship between Black cis men and cis women.  

The Hurdles Around Love For A Transwoman And A Trans Attracted Man

Guest Post By Rebecca Desvignes Aeon

It is not as simple for a transattracted man that's now discovering his attraction towards transwomen, to fall in love, or be in a serious committed relationship with a transwoman unless he has come to terms with his personal thoughts, desires and acceptance of it all including overcoming the fear of being called gay by the ignorant statements from most of society from lack of education.

It is an emotionally challenging experience for a transwoman that is comfortable in her mindset and skin, being in love with a transattracted man, that is now discovering his attraction towards transwomen either in the exploration stage, or is seasoned but yet still dealing with the fear of family and friends finding out, and also being incapable of reproduction in some cases, if that transattracted man happens to desire having a child through non-adopted options.

It's is even more emotionally challenging for an HIV-positive transwoman to date and find love.  Some are having to deal with some transattracted men that may at first start a relationship after being told at first of her status, agreeing to continue dating, and may quit with no explanations afterwards.  This is also including HIV-positive transattracted men receiving the same treatment from an HIV-negative transwoman.

Some transattracted men live with a burning desire to be in love and be in either a serious committed relationship or marriage with a transwoman, but is too afraid or circumstances don't permit for such a union. Therefore for some transattracted men, it's easier to have one night stands or secret unions behind closed doors when having the chance to do so while others which some people call chasers, remain in exploring mode.

Some transattracted mens only interest in transwomen is purely sexually motivated.   They could never fathom the thoughts of falling in love with a transwoman due to the lingering subconscious mindset they were indoctrinated with from an innocent child from elders and refused to see otherwise.  They continue looking at a relationship whit a transwoman and thinking about it subconsciously as being with a 'man'. If by chance they did fall or feel like they are falling in love with a transwoman, their first initial reaction is to run or disappear.

Some are only willing to accept and deal with the imagery of the female figure with something extra for many provoked through sexual urges honed through shemale porn.  Many are spontaneously still haunted by their issues of their own sexuality from misguided visuals, information and lack or no available correct information about the lives transwomen really live. 

It is a very odd position for a transwoman to be in to have to school, teach Trans 101, answer questions that sometimes border on the offensive or odd coming from an inquisitive eager transattracted man newly discovering transwomen about her life and the issues we face.

The bottom line here is a pre-operative or post-operative transwoman is a woman and needs to be loved and treated that way!

The love union between a transwoman and transattracted man can only be possible when first there is love, trust, fidelity, open mindedness, comunication, understanding, patience, willingness, and consistency.

Those qualities will help both parties overcome the hurdles around love for a transwoman and a trans attracted man.

Laverne And Janet On HuffPo Discussing #Girls Like Us Relationships

Two of my little sisters got together to give America the blessings of their collective wisdom on relationships while being #girlslikeus in the wake of the Mr. Cee mess.

Janet wrote this September 12 commentary on her blog, Diamond Stylz has already commented on it via her video blog, and I'm still debating if I need to wade into this mess after these ladies basically broke it down.

But enough jibber-jabber.  Here's the video from their recent HuffPo Live appearance with Marc Lamont Hill moderating.

Ask A Trans Attracted Man-Part 6

It figures that while Computer Prime was down that Troy's latest video in his Ask A Trans Attracted Man series was released entitled 'Embracing Yourself'

Posting Troy's videos on the blog is part of my effort to jump start a much needed conversation in Black trans world about us trans feminine women taking a hard look at our romantic relationships, fixing what isn't working, and doing what we need to do to give us the best possible chances of being in a stable long term relationship 

And now, here's Troy and his latest video.

Trans Women Must Love And Respect Ourselves

I had an interesting conversation with a trans attracted man yesterday afternoon that inspired me to think about and write this post. 

We were discussing some of the issues that put trans women in the position of being their own worst enemy when it comes to getting into and sustaining healthy romantic relationships, and I started talking about the shame and guilt issues we battle that continue to plague us at times.

I also talked about the fact that far too many of us are chasing pseudo cis privilege and trying to be what we aren't going to ever be, cis women. 

We weren't born with cis women's bodies, didn't grow up immersed in femininity from birth and will never know what it's like to menstruate or give birth to a child.  However, just because we don't have those physiological feminine body experiences doesn't mean we can't evolve to becoming and being the best women we can be.  

As Simone de Beauvoir said, women are made, not born.  We need to stop chasing pseudo cis privilege and focus on loving ourselves as trans feminine women.  When we being to have pride in being trans women, we will begin to take the first critical steps in loving and respect ourselves. 

In order for us to be receptive and open to loving someone else, we much first practice self love and being proud of who we are as trans women is an important component of that.

If you're constantly focused on trying to be a ciswoman when you aren't and chasing that pseudo cis privilege, there's little to zero room in your life to developing your own womanhood and focusing your precious time on being the best person you can be.

And yes ladies, the fellas notice when you lack confidence in yourself.  It's a turnoff to them.

The cis man I was in a conversation with is so secure in his masculinity he not only doesn't care what the genitalia configuration is between her legs, he is secure enough to take the trans women he dates to meet his mother.

He cosigned it when I commented nobody is going to have any clue what the genitalia configuration is between your legs when you're out and about on the street, how much you paid to have SRS or what SRS surgeon did it.  

So stop tripping about it.   The only time that is going to become an issues is when you are going to get intimate with that person, and that should be discussed up front when you meet said person what genitalia configuration they like or don't like.  If he's not down with trans women, move on until you find someone who is.  

He also pointed out to me he doesn't date a trans woman unless she is secure enough and loves herself enough to be able to love others.

You have to develop the self confidence and self love to know that you are not only the finest thing walking on Planet Earth, that no sane person would turn down a chance to spend quality time with you.

And no, it's not easy to do that.  Even I struggle with that at times.  But it's something I must do and constantly work on regularly in order to be the best Moni I can be.  I have to be able to look in the mirror and love Moni before I can reasonably expect someone to love me back.   
Speaking of loving others, we need to also consider expanding our dating horizons to include trans men in the equation.  There are some trans brothers out there that make me stop, turn my head and say DAMN! when they walk into a room. 

Trans men need to be a serious option in our dating mix and you never know, that trans man could be the soul mate you're looking for.   

We are part of the diverse mosaic of human life because God created transpeople, too. We exist. We need to love ourselves and each other. And somewhere out there is a soul mate that will love us for who we are and won't care what the configuration of the genitalia between our legs is.

But only if we open our minds and our hearts to loving and respecting ourselves first so that we are capable of opening our hearts to others. 

Ask A Trans Attracted Man-Part 5

As I've stated more than a few times on the blog, we girls like us need to do a better job of being fierce advocates for and appreciating the cis men (and trans ones too) who genuinely love us and want to have long term relationships with us that may result in us getting rings put on our fingers 

And we trans women also need to tell the brothers cis and trans in no uncertain terms what we want, need and don't need as they are vying for our romantic attention.

To facilitate that conversation, I've stated posting the videos of Troy, a self identified trans attracted man who has started a YouTube video channel to do just that along with the other videos in that ongoing series.

Trans feminine video bloggers are also beginning to chime in with their thoughts and blog posts on the subject of romantic relationships..   So are our trans brothers.

In addition to having for your viewing pleasure Troy's latest video.

Transmale and Transfemale Relationships

Interesting topic from the BTMI YouTube channel.   In this video Christian Lovehall discusses relationships between transmasculine and transfeminine people.

Video-Dear Trans Attracted Men: Stop Caring What Society Thinks

In this video that deserves to be signal boosted, Katherine talks about trans attracted men and relationships in general.

Ask A Trans Attracted Man Latest Video

Troy's latest video in the Ask A Trans Attracted Man series.   In this fifth video in the series Troy touches on people not loving themselves on either the trans attracted male end or the trans woman end can lead to negative consequences.

Love yourself first before you put yourself out there to love somebody else. 

Dear T-Girls: Stop Chasing Men Who Don't Want You

Another one of the video bloggers I love is Katherine, who has a video blog entitled Kitty Khaotique with 217 videos and counting.

She has this one with a message that needs to be signal boosted and seen by girls like us who keep insisting on chasing guys that don't want them.  Just stop doing that, love yourself, and focus on finding the guys who do.

More 'Ask A Trans Attracted Man' Videos

Troy is a self described 'trans-attracted' brother who recently started a YouTube channel dedicated to discussing the issue. 

He wants to do his part to erase the stigma that surrounds cis brothers who date trans women, blow up the misconceptions that girls like us have about the brothers who are man enough to step to us for that potential long term relationship and 'ejumacate' everybody at the same time.

And I repeat, being attracted to a trans woman or having a short or long-term relationship with her doesn't make you cis boys gay.


His channel has two previous videos and he also did an interview with Diamond Stylz on the subject at her video blog. 

I present for your viewing pleasure TransGriot readers the third and fourth videos of his YouTube  'Ask A Trans Attracted Man' channel.

Part 3





Part 4







.

Valentine's Day 2013-Still Searching For That Love Connection

' It's a day for romance that for many of us won't result in someone leaving us heart shaped boxes of chocolate, presents, gifts of jewelry, stuffed animals, getting flowers delivered to our addresses, a sentimental call from a person we describe as our sweethearts or a marriage proposal from the person we love.'

TransGriot  'Love Can Be Hard For A Transwoman To Find ' 
February 14, 2012

366 days have passed (last year was a leap year) since I wrote that post and one of the things that was depressingly consistent in the run up to Valentine's Day 2013 is as I perused my FB messages from other #girlslikeus is the realization that many of us once again would not be in a coupled relationship before or after this day is over.

But hey, our cis sisters are having the same problems finding someone to spend their lives with, too.

For those of you blessed enough to have someone fawning all over you, congratulations... I ain't mad at you, especially on this day for the lovers on the calendar.

As for when it's going to happen for me?  Who knows?   .

Enjoy some of the other Valentine's Day themed posts I've previously written.

'Ask A Trans-Attracted Man' YouTube Channel

One of the things I've talked about is how hard love is to find for a straight trans woman.  

I've written a post directed at the cis brothers who wish to step to us romantically detailing what it will take on their end to successfully handle their romantic business.

I've also discussed the fact that girls like us need to do a better job of appreciating the men who do genuinely love us (and not in a fetishistic way).

If we trans women want to have stable, long lasting relationships that will result in them putting a ring on our fingers we've got to do our part to deal with our shame, guilt and fear issues and love ourselves so we can properly love somebody else.

And naw cis men, loving a girl like us doesn't make you gay.

Just in time for another rapidly approaching Valentine's Day is a YouTube channel addressing those issues.

It's run by Troy, who is a brother who has and enjoys dating trans women.  He also wants to do his part to erase the stigma that surrounds cis brothers who date trans women and 'ejumacate' people at the same time.   He also wants to help the men who love us get over their fear and reticence about openly doing so. 

To accomplish that mission, he's started a YouTube video channel entitled 'Ask A Trans-Attracted Man' with two videos so far.







You can ask him questions on that YouTube channel