Don't Forget Kasandra

We're going to hear all about 25 year old Jovan Belcher, the Kansas City Chiefs linebacker who tragically murdered his longtime girlfriend and committed suicide in front of head coach Romeo Crennel at the Chiefs practice facility Saturday.   He'll be remembered and eulogized by his teammates from the Chiefs, his collegiate days, his high school and all the people who loved him.

But the person we haven't heard enough about is Kasandra Michelle Perkins, the 22 year old woman and mother of his three month old daughter Zoe that he killed.

I talk far too often for my tastes on this blog about the violence aimed at African-American and Latina transwomen.  But I'm also reading stories about cis women who are killed in incidents by the people they are in relationships with.

I'm sick of reading about gun violence intruding in relationships and it's one of the reasons I despise the NRA and their incessant devoid of logic prattling about 'Second Amendment gun rights'.  

How is owning a handgun as Jason Whitlock pointed out in his column going to protect little old individual you against a government equipped with predator drones and tanks?

Tell that bull feces to the family, friends and parents of Kasandra Perkins, who are going to have to experience something no parent should have to go through in terms of the unexpected pain of burying their child just before Christmas. 

Tell that to young three month old Zoey, who is going to grow up without both parents in her life.

Being an NFL player doesn't excuse Jovan Belcher from the deserved condemnation he needs to get for taking Kasandra's life.   I also agree with the premise that had the handgun not been available, the domestic dispute between Belcher and Perkins wouldn't have escalated into a situation in which both people are now dead and their child is orphaned. 

As Whitlock said in his column, "Handguns do not enhance our safety. They exacerbate our flaws, tempt us to escalate arguments, and bait us into embracing confrontation rather than avoiding it."

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/12/02/3945601/costas-advocates-for-gun-control.html#storylink=cpy

And it's past time Americans get that point.  .

Here's a story from the Kansas City Star about Kasandra, whose friends wanted to make sure she didn't get overshadowed and forgotten in the crush of media coverage that the unblinking media eye will aim at Belcher.

Here's a Facebook memorial page someone created for my fellow Texan (she was from Dallas) as well

When Will Trans Attracted Folks Get It?

Cheryl Courtney-Evans over at Abitchforjustice has an interesting post up in which she talks about the shortcomings of the men who profess to love trans women.and calls on them to step up their romantic games.

But now, with regard to that "marriage equality/civil union/relationship" thing, what is going on with the trans community? I'm always hearing fellas who claim trans-attraction wondering, "Where is there a good transwoman for me? I'd like a 'wifey'. ", but how many of them are stepping up and openly expressing their desire and attraction for transwomen?

I've also heard "I don't want a hustlin' transwoman, or an escort...too many transwomen are just hustlers...", of course without taking into consideration the continued societal refusal to employ us, which is the underlying factor that results in so many of us being chronically unemployed. Will they ever suspend this judgment and get with a woman ready to "square up", when there's a mutual attraction, perhaps helping her while she does? Hmmm, I've known this to happen on only a couple of occasions to my personal knowledge. But these same men will expect a transwoman (employed or not) to accept them as they are, employed or not...she's suppose to want them in her space "just because" (sometimes even living with her).

Head on over to her blog and read the rest of this post. 

Message To The Men Who Want To Love Us

It takes balls pardon the pun to be a transwoman. We go through a lot of crap just to be the women we are and any cisgender man who steps to us romantically needs to recognize that fact first and foremost.

No insecure men or playa-playas need apply when it comes to the job of being our mates because you are going to get a lot of bull feces from society for dating a transwoman, be she pre, post or non-op.

You are going to need to be more man than you usually are in a relationship with a transwoman. She has to fight so many battles just to exist in this world and have her femininity respected and will need a little extra TLC to get past that.

Despite the shade thrown at us from our detractors we are not 'men' despite the time we spent on the other side of the gender fence. She doesn't need additional drama in her romantic life from the man that claims to love her.   She doesn't need to come home to a man who lies to her, cheats on her, or in the middle of an argument slips up and calls her a 'man' or some other misgendering epithet in the middle of said argument.

She also doesn't need you threatening to leave her for a 'real woman' because 'you can't have my child.'

Just like you expect us to accept you 'menz' being works in progress, so are we.  Transwomen are just like any other women on the planet in terms of our ongoing evolution and maturation into becoming the best persons we can be. 

So the first way to frack up with us is treat us like one of your homeboys.   Transwomen like flowers, candy, and being wined and dined just like any other estrogen based lifeform on the planet.  If you aren't fully committed to dealing with the fact that you are going to have to step up your romantic game to make a transwoman feel safe, secure, desired and wanted in this relationship so she feels comfortable enough to reciprocate, or you have a fetishistic attraction to transwomen, then don't step to her.

Bottom line, love us and step to us like you would a cis woman.   If you do that, you'll find you'll get major cool points from said transwomen for doing so.  

Love Can Be Hard For A Transwoman To Find

Valentine's Day is one that can be hard on single people and especially single transpeeps. 

We are not only surrounded by cisgender couples gay and straight expressing their love for each other, we're drowned in an avalanche of romantic movies, songs, radio and television commercials in the weeks leading up to it.

It's a day for romance that for many of us won't result in someone leaving us heart shaped boxes of chocolate, presents, gifts of jewelry, stuffed animals, getting flowers delivered to our addresses, a sentimental call from a person we describe as our sweethearts or a marriage proposal from the person we love.

As I wrote in a Valentine's Day post last year, I've been wandering in the dating Sinai for so long the Israelites passed me a few times on their way to the Promised Land and shook their heads.

The approach of this day also has me at times pondering my dating history pre-transition as well as what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship just to say I have a significant other.  I have high standards and I will not water them down under any circumstances, even if it means I could possibly be alone for the rest of my life.  

What makes Valentine's Day and weddings so painful at times for me is that unlike some transwomen, I've actually had the experience of being a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding.


So near, but yet so far away from it actually happening for me.  

While there is a possibility it can still happen for me as one of my guest commentators Pamela Hayes reminded me (who is one of my transsisters who is happily married) when I talked about it on my Facebook page, I'm not holding my breath either. 

I'm also quite aware of the fact that with each birthday I celebrate, my already long odds for doing so dwindle in terms of making that romantic happy ending happen for me.  

But if it does, I'll be happily writing the 'I Was Wrong' post for that one

After the honeymoon, of course.  

Loving A Transwoman Doesn't Make You Gay

One of the memes that I hear that needs to die a quick and painful death is that if a cis man is dating or in love with a transwoman it makes him gay.  
 
Really?   News flash for the scientifically illiterate and the human rights challenged.  Just because a man likes transwomen doesn't make him gay. 

I've heard that BS line kicked around outside trans circles for decades and it needs to stop being pushed inside the trans community.

If you're a transwoman, you believe that line and repeat it, then by extension you are saying in your colonized minds that you believe our oppressors hype.

You have swallowed their bull feces that you are a 'man' despite the expense, time, counseling, hormone replacement therapy, document changes, SRS and everything else you have done or the drama you have endured to live your life on the feminine side of the gender fence and transition. 

A transwoman is a woman.  She is not a 'man' even if she has a neoclit between her legs. You cannot tell just by looking at a transwoman's outer shell whether she is pre-op, post-op or non-op. 

Gender is between your ears, not your legs. A cis man who rolls up on a transwoman is attracted to her because of her beauty, personality and other factors. 

And oh yeah, don't automatically assume a transwoman has XY chromosomes.  There are a lot of chromosomal combinations besides XX or XY, and it is the height of scientific ignorance to suggest, nor do you have any clue about what combinations of chromosomes will pop up with a transwoman unless you run a chromosome test on her. 

But back to the man in this romantic equation.  He isn't going to know what genitalia she has in her panties until they get to the point where they are intimate.  After that disclosure, what they do in the bedroom and what sexual gymnastics go on in that bedroom are nobody's business but theirs.       
. 

The 'we all have XY chromosomes' meme is another one of the oppressors lies that I suspect is behind much of the violence we transwomen face that has deleterious consequences in our lives and feeds into some of the shame and guilt we beat ourselves up with.

Yes, it's been a fact for over 50 plus years that many of my trans sistahs have it going on in the beauty department, and have the class, elegance  and style to go with it.

We also work at perfecting our femininity.  Elements of you ciswomen may take it for granted and even reject gettin' your girl on, but we can't. In some cases it may even save our lives.   We don't mind mastering makeup application, learning how to effortlessly walk in heels, don't mind wearing hose to add additional polish to our wardrobes and taking the time and effort to figure out our personal sense of style and what works for us and what doesn't.

Another lie you can stop telling is that we transwomen have to 'deceive' a quality man to get him into bed with us much less date us. 

Note I said quality man, not a scrub. 

Brothers who are into transwomen know where to find us and willingly will succumb to our charms while the ones who aren't will let us know they prefer ciswomen (or cismen).   But just because you do like transwomen doesn't make you any less a man, and it's something we in trans world need to not only do some hard solid thinking about but zealously defend the manhood of our partners.  

As we transpeople fight to have our human rights respected and protected, we also at the same time need to be thinking about the ripple effects our human rights push has on the issues that play into our ability to live a quality life.  We really haven't done a lot of thinking about our romantic lives but have been more focused on transition and our human rights issues for good reason.   With the right wing attacks on our marriage rights, it's past time we did so.

In order for us to be able to have the romantic lives we dream about, we also need to create safe spaces for those men who love us to be out and proud about openly dating us.  If we're fortunate enough to have found 'The One", we want him to be able to marry us without having his masculinity called into question by society, his family and his homies.

The reality is we transwomen are part of the mosaic of human life and we're not going away.   If we got it going on, we're doing what we need to do to confidently project our femininity, and make ourselves look as feminine and alluring as possible, it's not our fault if we are turning men's heads in the process.

So no cisbrothers and cissisters, loving a transwoman doesn't make you gay.  It makes you human.