Make Sure He Loves And Respects Your Azz

One of the reasons I love my Facebook page and the over 1300 people from all walks of life I have on it is because I'm exposed to a variety of viewpoints and commentary that sometimes triggers the posts that I write for this blog.  

I had one hit my FB page courtesy of courtesy of  Alicia Bree-Brimage that was humorous but full of truth about the subject of marriage and women being in too much of a hurry at times to get married.

For my single lady friends who are in a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Drunkaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothingaz, Lazyaz, or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects Yoaz!

There's a lot of truth in that statement.   It's resonating with me because I'm also thinking about this in the context of chatting with my young transsisters who are in heterosexual relationships.  

Yeah, despite the pushback and drama we get from society opposing our rights to get married, I am still a romantic at heart and believe the laws of our various nations will one day allow us without interference to walk down the aisle and say "I do" to the person we love.  

I've observed a lot of relationships over the years between transwomen and cismen, and I'm always amazed at how some beautiful transwomen ended up with guys that fell into the categories that were described in that comment.   Sometimes it was the same transwomen falling into a pattern of repeatedly dating the same type of buster guys because they believed they couldn't do any better or were desperate to find a husband or boyfriend to 'prove' their femininity. 

Some of that is driven by the latent shame and guilt issue we struggle with at times.  Some of it is simply lack of self esteem and confidence that they are all that and four bags of chips and deserve a quality man.  

Just as our cissisters do, we transwomen need to think about on a regular basis the qualities that we are looking for in a life partner. We need to determine what are the qualities that are non negotiable relationship deal breakers and which ones are the qualities you can compromise on?. 

Transwomen shouldn't be grabbing on to any man just to validate their femininity because of a mistaken belief on our parts borne in low self-esteem and low expectations that we can't do any better.   Neither should it be based on a mistaken belief on his part that we'll take whatever crap they shovel at us and won't leave them for greener pastures.  

We need to be willing to look in the mirror, love the person we see and bet that we are such high quality women that we are prepared to live our lives alone rather that settle for a toxic relationship with a man that doesn't respect or value us.  

Yes we should, yes we can, and yes we will   

Never forget the most important factor in this relationship equation.  Not only should he love and respect your azz, you should love and respect your azz as well.

Pam's Ponderings- Can Transsexuals Find Love In These Times?

Can Transsexuals Find Love In These Times? 
by Pamela Hayes


A few weeks ago, I had a chat with a trans woman, who is absolutely striking. She is pre-op, about 5’8, 34 years old, slender, with a lovely face. She has a chic hairstyle. But she is lonely. “I’ve never been on a date,” she told me.

I was floored. This girl is a knockout. She told me that she has been trans since she was 25, so at this point in her life, of course, she is poised and comfortable with herself. She said men had asked her out, but when she told them she was trans, they backed off. She said she wondered what it would be like to have a man woo her, give her flowers, chocolates. But she’s wondering if it will ever happen.

As I said, she is pretty and looks authentic. But I too wonder if she will ever meet Mr. Right.

I started living as a female in the late seventies when I was in my teens. I begin dating when I was about 19. And sure, when I told guys that I was a transsexual, some of them chuckled nervously and said they couldn’t deal with it. But back then, when I told them “my secret,“ sometimes, they were confused and needed clarification. Because during that time, there wasn’t a lot of information out there about transsexuals.

The only talk shows that existed were Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue and Tom Snyder, which came on in the wee hours of the morning. Mike and Merv were sort of like Wendy Williams is today, fluffy fare. Light conversations. Celebrities promoting books or songs.

Occasionally, a transsexual would pop up on a talk show, but it was rare and when they made an appearance, one could usually tell that she was trans.

So there wasn’t a lot going on and girls like me could live her life, date, go to school, work and have nothing or next to nothing said about her.

Occasionally, somebody would question my gender, but nobody would take the comment seriously.

So, over time, I had plenty of boyfriends. We had meaningful relationships. We went to dinner, to the beach, the amusement park. I used to get guys to take strolls with me through the botanical gardens.

The times were different.

Many men are intrigued by transsexuals. But nowadays, I think, a lot of men are disinclined to enter a relationship with a trans woman because he doesn’t want to deal with the bias and discrimination that will undoubtedly accompany an involvement with her.

“He’s a faggot. What real man would want to date that thing?” is what he’d have to put up with.

And now if someone accuses a woman of being trans, people take it seriously. They no longer dismiss it because over the years, they have been inundated with points of references. Talk shows. Websites devoted to trans issues. So if someone accuses a woman who is a clone of Halle Berry of being a man, people accept it. They no longer say, “I don’t believe that.”

Now, they consider it highly probable.

Men have fragile egos and most can’t deal with people casting the ‘that’s a man” aspersion on the woman on his arm. That reflects unfavorably on him.

I seriously doubt if some of those egotistical men I dated and lived with back in the day would have given me the time of day if back then things were the way they are now for trans women.

So, bearing all that in mind, it is challenging for a trans woman to find male companionship.

Back in the seventies/early eighties, my trans girlfriends were Marilyn, Carol, Stephanie, Shawna, Jessica, Jennifer and we all had boyfriends. Some of us socialized. Our men befriended each other. That doesn’t seem to be very prevalent today.

Sigh.

I don’t believe that a trans woman can’t find love. I just think it’s more difficult than it used to be.

Resistance Is Futile, Boys

Some of y'all cis men know you not only want to get to know a beautiful transwoman, you are attracted to her enough to want to get busy with her.

Stop fronting.  As we walk by, you may diss us in front of your boys and any cis woman within earshot sellin' woof tickets on how much of a man you are and how you could 'never sleep with a transwoman'.

But we transwomen find it amusing that when you think your homies aren't looking, you'll run faster than Usain Bolt to catch up with us, slide us your digits and hit us up online. We also find it interesting that some of you who protesteth the loudest to your boys end up waking up the next morning half naked in our beds.  


Resistance is futile.


In the last week we've had the rapper Chingy twisting himself into pretzel like transphobic knots trying to deny he hooked up with or had any relationship with transwoman Sydney Starr or trans rapper Foxxjazell  

Bow Wow has been denying rumors that he likes transwomen for years


Eddie Murphy back in the 90's got caught by the LA po-po's with the late Atison Seiuli in his vehicle on Santa Monica Blvd.


So for you cis boys that like transwomen, just do us a favor. Come clean and stop resisting the urge to assimilate with us.

You can also drop the misconception and lie as well that dating us makes you gay.     News flash: Only dating another man on a consistent basis will give you that rainbow rep.

You may find that if you give yourself a chance to get to know us on a romantic level; it may be the start of a relationship that is mutually beneficial to both parties to the point where you don't want anyone else.

Statements From The White House and State Department On Malawi Couple

TransGriot Note: Statements from the White House and the State Department about the sentencing of the Malawian couple to 14 years hard labor for being in love.

Note that the White House and State Department get the identity component right, but some of our gay allies can't.

From the White House:

Statement by the Press Secretary on Court Ruling in Malawi

The United States strongly condemns the conviction and harsh sentencing of Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga in Malawi. The criminalization of sexual orientation and gender identity is unconscionable, and this case mars the human rights record of Malawi. We urge Malawi and all countries to stop using sexual orientation or gender identity as the basis for arrest, detention, or execution.

From the State Department:

U.S. Appalled by Sentencing of Couple in Malawi
*
Philip J. Crowley
Assistant Secretary, Bureau of Public Affairs Washington, DC
May 20, 2010

***

The United States is appalled by the conviction and sentencing of Tiwonge Chimbalanga and Steven Monjeza to 14 years in jail with hard labor under Malawian law for violating Malawi Penal Code Chapter 15, Section 153 and 156, under which they had been charged with “carnal knowledge against the order of nature” and “gross indecency.” The conviction and sentencing are a significant step backward for the Government of Malawi’s human rights record. Malawi must abide by its human rights obligations.

We view the criminalization of sexual orientation and gender identity and sentencing to 14 years hard labor as a deeply troubling violation of human rights. Decriminalization of homosexuality is integral to the continued protection of universal human rights in Malawi. It is also crucial to the urgent need to fight the spread of HIV/AIDS – a fight in which the United States is closely allied with the Malawian people.

We remain disturbed by harassment, persecution, and exclusion based on sexual orientation or gender identity wherever it occurs. The State Department will continue to stand against any efforts to marginalize, criminalize, and penalize members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gender community worldwide. We urge Malawi and all countries with similar laws to take the necessary measures to ensure that sexual orientation or gender identity may under no circumstances be the basis for criminal penalites, in particular arrests, detentions, or executions.

Malawian 'Gay' Couple Isn't A 'Gay' Couple

I'd been hearing much about the Malawian couple that has been sentenced to 14 years hard labor for their relationship.

I'd been asked why I haven't commented on it yet, and one of the reasons was that I wanted more information on the issue before I do so. There are times I'd rather get it right than posting it 'right now'. My intuition was also telling me there was more to this story than the first sensational headlines warranted.

Well, thanks to South Africa's Gender DynamiX and Pinay TG, I have another interesting piece to tell you about.

Tiwonge Chimbalanga, one of the people involved, identifies as trans.

Peep the press release:

Today activists the world over protested the conviction of two gay men in Malawi. Even though activists from many different political persuasions joined hands in a protest in Cape Town today, local transgender activists are highlighting the fact that Tiwonge Chimbalanga clearly expresses a female identity.

According to Ian Swartz from OSISA (Open Society Institute of Southern Africa) Tiwonge Chimbalanga sees herself as a woman. “Tiwonge so clearly identifies as a woman and she has expressed her identity as such more often than not. I think if she knew the word Transgender she would come home to a world of understanding of herself” he said recently after visiting the couple in prison.

A local activist who calls her “Aunty Tiwo” visited her too and to him she said: “I am just a woman who loves my man. I’d rather remain in prison than to be released into a world where I am kept away from Steven”

“Advocating for Transgender people’s rights in most African countries is problematic for us” says Robert Hamblin advocacy manager for SA Transgender organization Gender DynamiX. “Gender variant identities are not acknowledged and just about any sexual minority is called gay or homosexual. This is because a person is assigned a gender based on their genitals, despite how they self identify.”

Gender DynamiX stood together with other activists today in a protest called by Social Justice Coalition (SJC). SJC was joined by LGBTI organizations protesting the conviction of these two people. The group of activists urged the SA government to negotiate the release of the couple and to offer them asylum in South Africa. The group also demanded that the SA government end the continued silence about human rights abuses against sexual minorities on the rest of the continent.

Gender DynamiX condemns the conviction of Steven Mongeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga. We call on the South African government, as the only state in Africa to recognize equality for sexual minorities, to uphold the South African constitution by offering asylum to the couple.

“Even though the identities of Tiwonge and Steven are misunderstood by the world we stand together with gay and lesbian activists in their work to try and get justice for our trans sister and her partner.” Says Tebogo Nkoana outreach officer at Gender DynamiX.

Robert Hamblin: roberth@genderdynamix.org.za

'The Boondocks' Was Right! Guess Who Ann Coulter's Dating?

There was a Boondocks episode in which it speculated right wing hater Ann Coulter was going home to a brother.

(BTW..you may want to play this clip at home. language issues.)

So I cracked up when I saw the EURweb story on Jimmie Walker's new girlfriend.

“I have nothing but the highest respect for her, and I’m thoroughly impressed with everything she does – whether she’s writing Sarah Palin stuff or doing whatever,” he continued. “I’m thoroughly impressed with her.”



Talk about the sign of the apocalypse. Guess things are dyn-o-mite between them.

Hmm...will have to start watching 'The Boondocks' again on a regular basis.

Playa Playa Archie Picks Veronica

I used to collect and read the Archie comic books back in the day and still occasionally peruse them from time to time.

Thanks to the TG Graphics and Fiction Archive site, I ran across an interesting gender bending Archie one in Issue 516 called 'The Other Side Of The Fence'.

His mother Mary Andrews was frustrated about the trials and tribulations of raising a teenage son and imagined what life would be like if Archie were her daughter instead of her son.

After imagining a grass is greener idyllic scenario, a lunch date with Mrs. Lodge and Mrs. Cooper gives her the 411 about the difficulties of raising teenage daughters.

Both women confide to Mary that they considered her the lucky one and the trio of mothers quickly agree that whether you have sons or daughters, it's still a tough job to raise them.

It then concludes with Mrs. Andrews coming home, hugging her son and realizing she wouldn't change that for the world.

One of the long running stories in the Archie comic book series is the love triangle between Archie Andrews, sophisticated spoiled rich girl Veronica Lodge and the loyal girl next door with the big heart Betty Cooper.

After 68 years Archie and the gang finally grow up starting with Issue 600, which hits the stands in August.

They skip the story ahead five years after their graduation from Riverdale High and as they are just starting their fresh out of college post-graduate lives.

The story is going to play out over the next six issues, but it's already leaked out which one of his high school honeys Archie proposes to.

It's Veronica.

I've always been rooting for Betty as you can tell, and hoped one day Archie would see the light and they'd one day get hitched.

Hey I'm an unabashed romantic, so sue me.

While Betty was doing things for Archie, Veronica always seemed to me to keep Archie at arms length until she sensed that Betty was getting the upper hand. She'd then start paying more romantic attention to Archie until he was focused on her to Veronica's satisfaction, then once Archie's eyes were back on her, the cycle would start all over again.

Well, as you can see on the Issue 600 cover, Archie is proposing to her just as Betty is walking past the jewelry store and witnessed the whole thing.

But knowing how indecisive Archie has been, Betty may still have a fighting chance. Veronica only has the ring. Neither she nor Archie have walked down the aisle and said 'I do' yet.

So stay tuned, this could get interesting.

We Don't Want No Scrubs, Either

A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly
And is also known as a buster
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time and (no)

I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is guy who can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me




Well, another Valentine's Day has come and gone with me munching half price candy, playing my Luther CD's and observing giddy lovestruck couples enjoying Valentine's Day dinners and quality time with each other while I was out and about this weekend.

While I ain't mad at y'all who are hooked up in serious long term relationships (and to be honest a tad jealous and envious at the same time) I was painfully aware of the fact that one of the downsides of transition was the possibility I could spend the rest of my life alone.

But as someone who's working on becoming a quality Black woman, that doesn't mean that I or my transsisters don't have high standards when it comes to the person that we wish to spend my romantic quality time with either.

Too many times over the years I've seen some nice looking transwoman hooked up with some questionable men just so they can say they have a 'husband' or boyfriend. These busters they hook up with are either running roughshod over them in the process, or doing it, then cruelly dumping them for cisgender women after they've had their fun by playing the 'you can't give me a baby' card.

Yeah, I like to get my freak on, but not at the cost of my self respect, health or dignity. Your femininity as a transwoman does not and should not depend on having a man on your arm or engaging in hoochiesque behavior.

We're not booty calls, one night stands, or some 'exotic' plaything you treat like a vampire and only take out at night, if at all because you're ashamed to be seen with us or afraid of what your homeboys are gonna say if they find out you've hooked up with a transwoman.

The point is the minute you decide to get with me or any of my transsisters, you inherit all of the societal baggage that comes with dating a transwoman as well. In addition to all the societal crap that's heaped upon women, we get a extra helping of hateraid for trying to be who we are from society as well.

So if you're not sure you can handle that or the extra TLC it will require for you at times to date us, then don't step to us. That goes double for all you trifling, non-ambitious, womanizing, fugly, abusive, habitually criminal, wannabe playa playa's out there as well.

Read my lipstick coated lips. If my biosisters don't want you, then don't think we're gonna jump through hoops and beg for your company just because you have a penis and we may be alone at that moment. Some of us have them as well, and you and your fragile egos may be shocked to find out when you pull our panties down that it's bigger than yours.

We're looking for quality relationships just like our biosisters are, and just because we're transwoman doesn't mean we aren't worthy of or don't deserve having quality people to share our lives with.

So no, we don't want no scrubs, either.