More On Stealth From Pam

TransGriot Note:  Another guest post from author Pamela Hayes pondering about trans issues from her perspective.

More on Stealth 
by Pamela Hayes


Earlier I got an interesting email from a gay guy who said he liked my essay about trans women living in stealth. He compared stealth trans women to other secret keepers, like closeted gay men who think they’re on the down low, but people are speculating about their orientation. So, how down low are they?

Or those involved in extramarital affairs. No one may see them in bed, behaving like two porn stars. Or when they’re in mixed company, they don’t flirt and they always make an effort not to come across as involved. But somehow, people invariably know what they’re up to.

And just because a trans woman is friends with a natal woman, and the trans girl has never discussed being t with the natal woman, the t-woman shouldn’t think that the natal woman is clueless about the t-girl‘s situation.

In Renee Richards, tell-all, Second Serve, Renee foolishly thought that no one knew about her. She believed the consensus was that Renee was a big girl who was an ace tennis player. But when her story made headlines, she discovered that many people had ideas about her.

I have a few women friends whom I’ve never discussed my situation with, but I know they have suspicions. We go grocery shopping. To the department stores, looking at clothes, sniffing fragrances. We do lunch, splitting hamburgers, or a container of General Tso’s chicken. We’re girlfriends.

Some of them have introduced me to other friends. And I got the impression that the friend had been told about my t-status. I could see the curiosity in their eyes.

One gal-pal Tasha, said she saw a transsexual on a talk show. She said the t-girl was unhappy about hiding the truth about who she was, which was why she appeared on the show. Tasha said that she didn’t know why she was hiding it in the first place, that her friends probably were aware anyway and didn’t care.

Tasha was dropping a hint. Don’t you think?

When I was a collegian, there were rumors about me on campus, some of my fellow students visited my home and I, theirs. We went out to eat and a number of times, they made comments that suggested they knew and didn’t care. But I refused to confirm anything and I vehemently deny that I am ashamed.

I have opened up to people before and they turned on me.

More on that at a later time.

Back in the 80's, It Was Easier Being A Transsexual

TransGriot Note: Another insightful post from author Pamela Hayes

Back In The 80's, It was Easier Being A Transsexual
by Pamela Hayes

I have been living as a female for over three decades. I was a teen when I started this transsexual journey. In the beginning, the late 70’s and much of the 80’s, life was sweet. I lived as a woman, took my hormones. Eventually had surgery.... I dated. The men knew I was trans. Some of them introduced me to their family members. And friends. I was escorted to company picnics and Christmas parties. I played horse shoes and danced with their colleagues.

Here and there, people would whisper comments about me. I’m tall, and some people accused me of being a female impersonator. Not in those words, mind you. But for the most part, I was not disrespected or treated differently.

Back then, people dismissed the “That‘s a man” accusations. Think about it. We’re talking about the 70’s and 80’s. Facially, I looked female. I had/have breasts and curves. My voice was/is light and feminine. So to accuse the tall striking lady of being a man was considered a ridiculous statement.

I recall one night, in the early days of my journey, a guy and I went partying on a Tuesday night. After leaving the club, we stopped at 7-11 because I was out of soft drinks and I had to put some in the house.

I bought this big bottle of Pepsi, which they called The Boss back then.

Anyway, I went inside. This man looked me up and down. I could tell he appreciated my appearance. We spoke. He told me, I looked and smelled good. He flirted. Tried to get my phone number. He had been conversing with the clerk. It couldn’t have been anything serious if he was coming on to another woman in her presence.

When I was getting The Boss out of the cooler, I heard the clerk whisper that I was a man. “Girl, you crazy,” he said, supposedly sotto voce. “That woman just tall. Ain’t no damn way that’s a man. Your ass is crazy.”

He said goodnight to me and when he wasn’t looking, I winked at her.

The point of that story is to illustrate that back in the day, when a transsexual’s gender was impugned, people didn’t take it seriously. It was dismissed as a silly statement.

But along came the 90’s. And in the 90’s, when Miss Pamela was pelted with the ”That’s a man” accusation, people listened. Stared at me. Put me under a microscope. They wondered if the statement was true.

However, I can honestly say that most people DO NOT treat me differently. I can tell when people have been told things about me or have suspicions. I can see the confusion or skepticism in their eyes. But for the most part, they're cool. A friend, a cis woman. I know she has qualms about me. I can see it in her face. But once a week, I baby-sit her children.

But in the 90’s, trans women like Tula, and the late Jahna Steele hit the talk show circuit and a plethora of lovely t-women followed, confessing to Maury, Sally Jessy, Phil Donahue and the studio and at home audiences, making people realize that just because a woman was pretty didn’t necessarily mean she was born female.

I don’t know if this makes a lick of sense. But I’d bet some veteran trans girls can relate to what I’ve written.