Some Women Love Us, Some Don't

TransGriot Note:  This is a guest post from author Pamela Hayes.  It comes from her undisclosed location somewhere in the USA    

Pam is one of those transwomen that are happily married, gainfully employed transsistahs like her who are living their lives and you don't or won't know about her trans status because it's NOYB.

I hope to have her here at TransGriot on a regular basis


And without further delay, here's Pamela!

Some Women Love Us, Some Don't 
by Pamela Hayes


This afternoon, my cousin Judy dropped by for lunch. Judy is a few years older than I am. But she doesn’t look her age. I have always found her to be fun and a complete source of joy.

We have gone shopping together. Out to lunch. Today, I made lunch for us. I prepared a roasted chicken, Brussels sprouts, which I adore. I love the recipe I use. I sauté the veggies with shallots, add some sage leaves and chicken broth and simmer the sprouts for about twenty minutes. They are flavorful, yummy and nutritious.

I wasn’t sure if Judy was crazy about Brussels sprouts, so I also made zucchini and baby carrots. Just stir-fry the veggies in some olive oil and garlic. They’re terrific.

I also made homemade Rice-A-Roni. So yummy. And simple to make. I break a handful of vermicelli noodles, which I sauté in butter, add converted rice, chicken broth and fresh marjoram, a teaspoon of sea salt and a generous dash of freshly ground pepper and simmer until all the liquid is absorbed. I don’t like using regular rice for this dish because it’s lumpy and gummy and doesn’t look attractive on the plate.

For dessert, which we didn’t have, she bought over hand-packed eggnog and black walnut ice cream from Baskin-Robbins.

Judy and I talked and laughed and listened to the Temptations. Last night, I exchanged emails with a new Face book chum and when discussing music, he mentioned that he was crazy about the Temps, putting me in the mood for them, so I unearthed that CD. Like the title of that Maya Angelou book, Judy and I were singin’ and swingin’ and makin’ merry like Christmas.

We laughed and danced in the living room. I so enjoy spending time with Miss Judy. As a trans woman, I find it difficult to be friends with SOME natal women. Some of them are great, but some are insecure, but they want a girlfriend in their life and they are willing to befriend a trans woman. Because they are less threatened by us. They don’t see us as competition. Or so they say. Everything is marvelous, terrific, magnificent until she discovers that a trans girl can attract men. They get bent when guys request our phone numbers, check us out, flirt with us. “I resent it” is written on their foreheads.

I’ve been friends with women who were wonderful to me. We had lengthy phone chats. Went shopping. I watched their kids. When I sold Mary Kay, they bought some from me. They knew I had a husband and they were okay with that. I think because he is married to me, some natal women considered him a weirdo, an oddball.

Some wondered, what does a handsome, gainfully employed man want with a transsexual. Also, sometimes, if we have men, some women think we’re buying him or he’s a closet gay guy. Or we’ve got some young, impressionable guy under a spell. They find it hard to believe that there are men who care about us, love us, are fascinated by us and take us seriously.

Women have asked my husband and past boyfriends if they knew about me. They assumed that I had pulled the wool over his unsuspecting eyes.

Eons ago, my husband accompanied me to a doctor’s visit. While going over some paperwork with my husband, the doctor’s nurse referred to me as he and him. “Why are you referring to her as he?” my husband asked her. He disclosed this conversation to me, btw.

“Um, well, she had one of those operations,” she said, in a low tone that suggested that she was revealing a secret. “It just slipped out.”

“I bet.. You assumed I didn't know about her,” my husband said. “You’re just jealous because she looks better than you do.” Florence Nightingale was tall, thin, and dorky, so he called her an ugly bitch and a scarecrow. She got seriously pissed and her face got as red as a basket of strawberries. She threw her pen down on the desk, barking, “I don’t have to put up with this.”

I reported her to the Department of Health Professions and HIPPA. The doctor sent me a letter by certified mail discharging me as a patient.

So what? There are other physicians who will gladly accept my co-payment and treat me with respect.

So no, it’s not easy being friends with some women. Some are magnificent, however. 

My Happiness Is An Inside Job

TransGriot Note:  More  words of wisdom from Rev. Joshua Holiday

Often we think that if we had a better childhood or lived in another town, if we had more money, the ideal relationship, a better job, a better home-then we would be happy.  Happiness doesn't come from a change in our circumstance.  Happiness is an inside job.  We are responsible for our own happiness.  If we are dependent on outside forces to make us happy, then we are leaving our happiness and joy to chance.  We can be happy each and every day by focusing on Spirit and the many blessings that Spirit provides for us.

I am responsible for my happiness.  I have what I need to be happy.  There is nothing outside of me to make me happy.  My happiness is an inside job and comes from Spirit.  With Spirit I have everything I need to be happy.  With Spirit as the center of my reality, I am at peace.  I live in joy.

Thank you, God-in me, through me, as me, around me, in the name of all that is good.  And so it is.

"For you shall eat the labour of your hands; happy shall you be and it shall be well with you."  Psalm 128:2 (Lamsa's Aramaic Translation)

Tranny Nigga

TransGriot Note: This is a guest post from the multitalented Angelica Love Ross that she wrote in response to two events.  

She's commenting on the recent Michael Musto Village Voice article questioning whether 'tranny' is a slur as a wide variety of peeps across the trans universe have told you it is, and some fool disrespectfully posting the f-word on her YouTube page   

And now, here's Angelica:


(Sidenote:  Someone just recently posted "faggot" on my YouTube page, and in a separate post used it in a sentence, "you are a faggot".  To me, it's all the same. )

Shame on Gay Men who think they can speak on behalf of the trans community as well as all women in general.  It seems whether a man is  gay or straight he has strong opinions on what a woman should think, do, say, feel, and look like. 

If we step out of this moment and take a look at history, or what I sometimes like to see as our collective tendencies, we'll see that nobody likes to be at the bottom of the barrel.   How quickly we forget how it feels to be at the bottom or maybe you've never had to experience that.

But as a black transsexual I have and I personally find both the N-word and the T-word to be disrespectful.

Can you imagine someone saying "Can you believe it? We've got a Nigga and Tranny in the WHITE HOUSE?" I could just imagine Chris Rock having a field day with that.

But if you had a chance to meet the president, would you say "What's up nigga'?" Or if you met Amanda Simpson, the first transgender official who was appointed by President Obama, would you refer to her as a Tranny? I mean just listen to it, people.

The word is commonly used, but it is also COMMON. Common is a word we use for nothing special and people who use these words to describe themselves have not yet realized how special they are.  They have not yet realized their worth and that they are selling themselves short for a punchline.


Most of my co-workers don't know I'm transgender and I hear them jokingly throwing around the word Tranny and the lovely catch phrase, "Tranny Whore".

Recently one came up to me and pointed two out who left the store and called them 'its' and 'he-she's' (not a very far leap in my book). It creates "otherness" and usually an "other" that you yourself wouldn't want to be a part of.

We love to draw imaginary lines that separate us from each other and create fearful boundaries.  The most damaging being the gender lines usually drawn to put women in their places.  Because girls don't do this, and boys don't do that. Yet somehow they still persist.

I say think of the most favorable, honorable, respectful terms you can speak of someone, and use those across the board.  Believe that everyone deserves happiness and respect, and if no one else will give it to them, you will.

Transgender Remembrance-Prepare Ye The Way

TransGriot Note: Guest post by Rev. Joshua Holiday

An ancient Chinese proverb that said, "Be not afraid of going slowly, but be afraid only of standing still."  Today we all are being called to stand up and move forward and prepare the way for our community.  I know that progress may seem slow and sometimes unachievable, but, my life is a testament that the destination of history is determined by our actions.  No matter who you are or where you have been, you can make a difference.

Today I call the Transgender community into action, and demand we all enlist in the battle of preparing the way!  Ladies and gentlemen, you may be asking the question.  "What am I preparing the way for?"  My answer is simply, your committed work towards preparing the way for transgender political, economic, social, and religious equality.

The work that has been accomplished has been based on the foundation of our political rights.  We all have access to freedom of speech, religion, petition and assembly which are made possible by our first amendment rights of the constitution.  You are projecting political power by being present here today.  We must come out of our individual selves and come together and advance our community.  The time is now and we have a president in the White House that is an ally of all people.  No matter what gender you are, we are the Rosa Parks of our generation.  We refused to sit at the back of the bus!  We are preparing the way for future generations to have access to political and social equality.  Our access to social and political equality isn't the end goal, it's just the beginning.

We must obtain access to economic opportunities that makes our community more prosperous and a powerful political force.  We must prepare the way for the future, by fighting for equal job and business opportunities.  We know that this journey has been long, but necessary in our fight for equality!  We must be ready to pursue education and side with sacrifice in our journey to victory.  We must focus on self empowerment and less on self indulgence!  Our time to prepare the way for the future of our community is here.  In our struggle for equal recognition in our society we must proclaim and demonstrate that we are human beings that were created by God with gifts, talents and purpose.  We must live our lives with dignity, respect and self control.  We must exemplify what Dr. King proclaimed in his 1963 March on Washington.  "Let us be judged by the content of our character."  It makes no difference if you are male, female, straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender; we beseech society to judge us not based on our external, but judge us on our internal, which is our eternal!  As a people we demand our seat at the table.  What table?  The table and feast of God.  We are all God's children.  I stopped by to tell you that it makes no difference what your faith is, I believe there is room at the table of God for you!

As I close, we must remember that our action doesn't only impact us, but future generations of people as well. So boldly like the the great biblical character John the Baptist we boldly proclaim, prepare ye the way for the Lord.  For in God there is salvation!  We know there has always been a great struggle between justice and injustice, freedom and oppression and we know that God is not idol between them!  So the time to stand still has passed and the time to prepare the way is here!  God bless you and may He bless our efforts to bring about justice and equality for all people!

The Lost Sisterhood....Dealing With Transwomen

TransGriot Note: Guest post from Tona Brown, an extremely multitalented transsistah I have much love, admiration and respect for.   She discusses her thoughts about a subject we sorely need to have more discussions on in our community, sisterhood.


Sisterhood, Girlfriends, Relationships between women.. All things that I feel are so very important but are becoming a thing of the past in many circles. 

Today most of the girls I know are only interested in showing off who has the latest "whatevers" or bragging about what man they slept with.

"Look girl, I got some work done"  or "look what HE or SHE bought me."

For me I feel that it's a great loss to not be able to share your innermost thoughts with someone like myself.  I have guy friends, even female friends and family members but there is nothing like that special connection between "girlfriends."

For those that don't know much about my upbringing, I am the oldest of a household full of boys.  Growing up I often longed for a sister.  I can't tell you what it was like to grow up and have to go through some of my inner thoughts without a sister to talk to about them.  I literally had to learn about my femininity and self through the help of my mother and close girlfriends.   I love my brothers,  I would do anything for any one of them and would take a bullet to protect them.  Watching them grow up and develop into the handsome men they are has been an amazing experience. 

Did we always get along?  Of course not.. But sibling rivalry and them trying to understand me were the reasons for that.

In my teenage years of course I had not transitioned and although I was always feminine, had the "good hair", skin complexion, and developed my own sense of person it took a while for my brothers to REALLY understand what I was going through at that time.  On the outside all was well but I always yearned for a sister.  I do have a half sister that I do not really know.  She was born outside my immediate family on my father's side.   I wonder what life would have been like having her around, doing her hair instead of playing with my doll babies and talking to her about various things that I was going through. In order to cope with not having a sister I often turned to my diary where I wrote my feelings on paper and began to write some poetry and short stories while trying to figure out why I wasn't really happy.

Today, I find my relationships with other women very important.  It's really sad but I've found this to be really difficult in dealing with other transwomen in particular.  Most of us have been through so much heartache and pain that it is really hard to trust each other.  Seeing another beautiful woman of trans experience makes me feel very proud and even more so when she is doing something positive with her life despite the odds against us.  But being raised primarily around all men has come to be a disadvantage in forming relationships that are positive with most of my t-girlfriends.

First and foremost I am usually the one lady at the table that comes from a different family background and an affirming and supportive family.  The stories my friends tell me about what they had to go through often brings me to tears.  But because I did not have to deal with those issues some reject me upfront.

But then I think to myself why does it really matter, but boy does it!  Our conversations sometimes go to subjects I don't really know much about.  There is an assumption by most transwomen that if you transitioned life had to be just as equally hard for you as it was for them and in the same way.  When most girls find that is not the case with me they assume that we will have nothing in common.

Second, I do not compete for men, prestige or anything else when it comes to my relationships with my girlfriends.  Friendships to me are relationships and when I become good "girlfriends" with an individual all that other stuff goes out the door. 

But I do not find that to be case with most of my sisters.  Most women, not just transwomen compete for attention especially regarding the opposite sex, or to see who is the most glamorous or beautiful.  Maybe its just me but I just feel privileged to be around respectful, graceful, elegant, and professional women especially if I have something in common with them.

Lastly, when viewing other women especially transwomen of color my feelings are different then most.  I don't care if that person is "passable" or "pretty".  I could care less if she is fat, skinny, tall, or short.  What does she have to say and what can I learn from that individual.   Her looks do not depict how she feels.

I decided to write this because I feel that as transgender women we only have each other.  There are so many things and people that do not accept us.   Why are we letting these things come between us?    I truly do not understand it.  In my opinion every time we put down one of our sisters and go back and look in the mirror you're talking about yourself.  

And what are you gaining from all of this?? Is it really worth it in the long run?   To sit or stand alone or to be "fierce"?  To be the most beautiful girl in the room, or the lady with the most wit and harsh offensive tongue to "read" all the other girls? 

Hmm, sounds pretty sad and pathetic to me.  You gain nothing.  .Maybe you will get a few laughs in at the expense of one of our own but those same people laughing with you are laughing at you when you are not looking.

I will never forget my experiences watching these type of  'ladies' and I use that term loosely in reference to them.  In public places they are often the spectacle of amusement.  They literally make a mockery of themselves and everyone around them.  Yet this is acceptable behavior? 

Many of the girls have gay friends that doll them up, slap some lip gloss on them and a wig and think 'well, this is my friend' only to find out he has no clue about who you are.   If it comes between you and him trying to get a date you better believe he will try to do what he can to get that man whether it means to divulge your "T" or to call it out in public in order to embarrass you.  

We all know about the females that pretend to be "ok" with you until she gets jealous seeing those men that are interested in you.

So do you still think its a good idea to poke fun at other girls?

I hope this message goes to the all ladies who feel the way I do and even those that don't.  These are just my private thoughts and by no way the law!  To my sisters that I have loved for years and for those I will meet in the future,.thank you for being a part of my life. 

Thank you for allowing me a vessel to share my thoughts, feelings, desires and fears with.  Thank you for just being you! I NEED YOU and WE need each other!

President While Black

Seems that Moni isn't the only one seeing the Grand Canyon sized double standard that President Obama is operating under and the overt and covert racism he's having to battle while doing so, even amongst his so-called allies.

And calling out that double standard and the hair trigger knee jerk reactions to anything President Obama does they don't like does not make me an Obamatron, Obamagist or whatever derisive names Obamahaters come up with.

I'm having to do on an almost daily basis call out the white GLBT community on this and point out how much this double standard is pissing off the African American GLBT community and our allies.

But hey, to make the point I'm not the only person of African descent pissed off about the presidential double standard I see,  peep what Gerald A McIntosh wrote about it.

I expected that his winning the Presidency would bring out some ugliness, but it's been far worse than I imagined. The racism coming from the Right is obviously clear and shameless, but there's also some hidden and maybe subconscious and disturbing underline tone behind some of the things that I read here and throughout the Left blogosphere, even before the end of Obama's first year - 'He's weak, he's spineless, he's got no balls, primary him in 2012'. It'll be dishonest to deny that.

The fact is that for millions in America , Barack Obama is this uppity black man (Not even a "real" black), who received good education only due to affirmative action, and has no right to litter the sacred Oval Office with his skin color. They just can't accept the fact that the president is a black man, who unlike his predecessor, was actually legally elected. But what's really sad is that it's not just the fringe, its deep deep in mainstream America .

Here's a link to the full post from Gerald A. McIntosh courtesy of the Chris' Rants and Raves Blog and  Things According To Me.   


H/T Chris' Rants and Raves, Things According To Me