Seth MacFarlane Attacks Transwomen On 'The Cleveland Show'

TransGriot Note: Another on point guest post from my brilliant and talented Canadian homegirl Renee of Womanist Musings


The Cleveland Show continues to be a hot mess. Week after week it targets the most vulnerable members of our society. MacFarlane has no witty repartee for the reduction of White, cisgender males of class privilege. Apparently men that look like him are above ridicule. Often the defence of his actions is that he picks on everyone, however; that is far from the case. The omission of White cisgender males of class privilege, speaks to who he values and whose power he is attempting to maintain.

This week MacFarlane decided to play with gender.

At first it seemed that he was taking a page out of Tyler Perry’s play book. The character Auntie Mama, is quite reminiscent of Madea. She is loud, abrasive and quite foul, taking pleasure in screaming outrageous as she farts loudly. Of course, Auntie Mama is revered by her family. It seems that despite his Whiteness, MacFarlane believes he knows the characteristics of the Black family.

Then the shift occurs, Cleveland discovers that Auntie Mama has a penis and immediately declares her a man. Auntie Mama clearly presents as a woman and lives her life as such and therefore; declaring her a man is highly transphobic. Rather than just admitting that trans people make the decisions that they do because their bodies are not aligned with their gender, Auntie Mama claims to have made the decision to live as woman after the death of Donna’s mother to give her feminine role models.

Cleveland then decides to corner Auntie Momma and demand that she declare that she is a man. Immediately Auntie Momma’s voice deepens and the rest of the episode is spent making jokes about her gender presentation. It was written as though she was deceiving those around her. This meme is particularly dangerous. The deceptive trans woman construction has lead repeatedly to murder and yet MacFarlane decided that this was just pure humour.

Of course, the deceptive trans woman then goes on to seduce a straight cisgender male. When Auntie Momma is outed by Cleveland, his father proceeds to vomit copiously and expresses shame for having in engaged in sex with Auntie Momma. It is absolutely not Cleveland's place to out someone? In the real world, such an action often ends in violence. Why is it necessarily shameful that a cisgender man engaged in sex with a trans woman? The response of Cleveland’s father is based squarely in the trans panic and homophobia. Isn’t MacFarlane great; two marginalizations for the price of one.

This entire episode was devoted to promoting transphobia and homophobia. It is particularly galling that this episode was aired right after the Transgender Day of Remembrance, which commemorates all those who have died because of trans hate in the previous year. When trans people are reduced in this way it leads to violence, which is hardly a laughing matter. Could MacFarlane stand at the graves of Ebony Whittaker, LaTeisha Green, or Taysia Elzy and justify his comedy as ironic? Could he look into the eyes of their grieving family members and even for one moment pretend that they had not suffered a terrible loss?

Not only is violence against trans women extremely common, it is even more so for trans women of color. Some would even declare this ongoing violence a war. In this battle MacFarlane has clearly chosen sides. To ensure that there was no mistaking his intent, he had the character Cleveland, call Auntie Momma a tranny repeatedly. MacFarlane was not giving some kind of ironic commentary regarding the lives of trans women, he was acting to maintain cis supremacy.

There will be those that will continue to defend such hatred as comedy, blind to the fact that the media is an agent of socialization. The media not only reflects common beliefs, it informs them through its active selection of how different bodies are constructed. I could turn off the television and avoid the barrage of offensive images, however; that would not protect me from the people that continually consume this kind of media uncritically. When undeserved privilege is routinely affirmed, it encourages the perpetuation of othering.

We know that othering leads to discrimination, poverty and in some cases violence. With this knowledge, how can we possibly declare sitcoms like The Cleveland show to be harmless? It is particularly galling that this episode played just days after the Transgender day of Remembrance, which commemorates all of those who died because of trans hatred each year. Despite all of the violence the trans community must endure, it was not until this year that someone was finally convicted of a hate crime in death of a trans woman. It took this long because we have demeaned and reduced their humanity. It takes extreme arrogance to laugh in the face of blood and violence. How many death notices do we need detailing the murder trans women to understand that such mockery devalues their lives? MacFarlane will not pay the cost for his actions because he is cisgender, white and male; it can be certain that a vulnerable woman will pay for his hatred.

What Does Transgender Day Of Remembrance Mean To You?

TransGriot Note: It figures that less than 12 hours after I wrote the TransGriot post talking about the glaadBLOG series of guest posts for the TDOR, mine pops up today.

So as I promised, here it is with a link back to the glaadBLOG as well. Thanks to GLAAD Fellow Amanda Morgan for honoring me with the opportunity to write it.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance exists so that we don’t get so consumed living our own lives, dealing with our own drama and fighting our own battles to live our lives that our fallen brothers and sisters fade from our consciousness. It’s a vehicle to help us remind the world that the people we mourn on this day were somebody’s son, daughter, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, cousin, or friend.

But what does the Transgender Day of Remembrance mean to me personally?

A Transgender Day of Remembrance is the time that this proud, African descended transwoman pauses from dealing with the hustle, bustle and drama of living my life to do as Dr. King so eloquently put it, some ‘hard, solid thinking’ about the transpeople whose lives were cut short due to anti-transgender violence.

I ponder the painful reality that a large segment of the people memorialized on the list are trans people of color. I lament the loss of the potential positive contributions to our societies these fallen transpeople have, would, could and should have been able to make to our various communities.

I remind myself as we add new names to this tragically expanding list to not forget Stephanie Thomas, Ukea Davis, Chanelle Pickett, Ebony Whitaker, Nakhia Williams and Kellie Telesford and scores of others. I keep in mind as I silently pray for them that the people who brutally murdered them either still haven’t been brought to justice or received the equivalent of a legal slap on the wrist for doing so.

It’s also the time I remind myself, there but for the grace of God go I.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance is a time I get to engage in coalition building activities and education efforts with our allies organized around this event. It’s when I get to see the trans people in my local community I may not interface with on a regular basis, but who will show up for a TDOR before going back to living their lives in the shadows.

It’s the time I refocus my energy to the task of continuing to remind people that trans people are part of the diverse mosaic of human life, and pray that the day soon arrives in which a trans person’s life matters as much as a cisgender* person’s life does.

glaadBLOG Guest Blogger Series On TDOR

This week the glaadBLOG is posting a series of articles from various people about the Transgender Day of remembrance and what it mans to them.

And as you probably guessed, the TransGriot was asked to write a piece for that series which I'll post when it publishes on the day it publishes on their site.

It was a pleasure to do so and I thank GLAAD for the opportunity.

While you're waiting for my piece to show up on the glaadBLOG, here are the thoughts on what the TDOR means to Pauline Park and Stefanie Rivera.

I'll add the other links later as they come up.

UPDATE
Sassafras Lowrey
Ethan St. Pierre's Q and A interview

My GLBT Brothers And Sisters Are My Family

TransGriot Note: A guest post by my Canadian sister Renee, the editor and scribe in chief at Womanist Musings.

First, it must be stated that the sexuality of POC has been used against us as a weapon. Black women have been understood to be hypersexual Jezebels, constantly in search of the next available penis. Black men have either been understood as thug rapists, or as highly effeminate. In each instance this has been to promote White supremacy. POC are not allowed to experience their sexuality as naturally occurring, rather it exists simply to satisfy the needs of others or to promote our bodies as a continual threat to Whiteness.

Due to the White leadership of the mainstream GLBT community, many have refused to accept and or embrace our same gender loving members. Homosexuality is not a White thing; it is not a perversion of bodies of color. Many believe that by rejecting homosexuality that they are rejecting Whiteness, when indeed what they are truly rejecting is our OWN PEOPLE.

The marriage of Michael and Jamil set off quite the firestorm in the Black community. A Morehouse College administrative assistant Sandra Bradley sent the following e-mail.

"I can't believe this wedding. It's 2 men. They don't smile in a lot of pictures and they look like a few brothers I've seen in the streets looking STRAIGHT. Black women can't get a break, either our men want another man, a white woman (or other nationality that's light with straight hair), they are locked up in jail or have a "use to be" fatal disease. I'm beginning to believe Eve was a black woman and we Black women are paying for all the world's sins through her actions (eating the apple)."

Some may view this e-mail as simply a commentary regarding the difficulty of young professional Black women to find a successful Black mate and others see homophobia. It certainly cannot be denied that Black women are likely to remain unmarried or will partner below their class level. This has to do with the ways in which Black femininity has universally been devalued.

The sexuality of Michael and Jamil has nothing to do with the supposed drought of eligible men. It would seem to me to be a very basic fact – Gay men are not attracted to women and any coupling with them would be unsuccessful based on this one simple truth. To belittle them, or question their masculinity is to misplace anger.

When AIDS first became a serious threat many in the Black community, so many refused to speak out and claimed it was the price for engaging in “lifestyles” that were either patterned on White behaviour, or displeasing to God. The very same people who express rage at the genocide that occurred during the middle passage, easily ignored the deaths of thousands. These people had much to contribute to our community and now their voices have been silenced forever, without even a murmur of regret.

Whether someone is same gender loving or trans they are still Black. Their color did not disappear because they chose to live their lives not hiding who they are. We speak about the Black community but what community exists when we deny the happiness and well being of our members? Same gender loving people marched alongside Dr.King for our rights. Same gender loving people are subjected to racism and hatred just as any other person of color. They did not give up their race because they decided to be true to who they are.

When I read commentary like the above I wonder who they think wins when we decide that the same gender loving people in our community do not deserve to be embraced. In fighting and divisiveness serves Whiteness. We must speak with a unified voice to demand equality and by choosing to silence those in our community that make us uncomfortable due to undeserved privilege, we are supporting the very same system that keeps us all understood as secondary citizens. You cannot claim to love Blackness or Black people, if you do not love openly all of its manifestations.

Serena Williams: Can A Woman Get Angry? Can A Black Woman?

TransGriot Note: This guest post is courtesy of Tami at What Tami Said.




The facts seem to be thus:

On Saturday, in the U.S. Open semifinals, champion Serena Williams faced an unranked Kim Clijsters, who more than held her own in a taut, close battle.

According to Sports Illustrated online:

With Williams serving at 5-6, 15-30 in the second set, she faulted on her first serve. On the second serve, a line judge called a foot fault, making it a double-fault -- a call rarely, if ever, seen at that stage of any match, let alone the semifinals of a Grand Slam tournament. Read more...

Williams responded to the call with an uncharacteristic level of anger. Again according to Sports Illustrated: "walking toward the line judge, screaming, cursing and shaking a ball in the official's direction, threatening to "shove it down" her throat."

In response, Williams was penalized a point for poor sportswomanship, giving a surprise victory to Clijsters.

On these things, most people agree. And few would celebrate Williams' outburst, which was ugly, unfortunate, graceless, ineffective and WRONG. My concern is that reaction to Williams lapse of judgement is ripe with sexism and racism.

When you consider the legacy of tennis "bad boys" like John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors and Ilie Nastase, the hyperventilating over Williams' lapse seems completely out-of-proportion.



McEnroe's outbursts that included marching aggressively up to line judges, cursing and destroying rackets have become part of the tennis legend's mythology. His childish behavior can be compiled into a two-part You Tube greatest hits reel set to cheerful music. And though McEnroe continued to have meltdowns long after his behavior could be deemed youthful folly, we chalk his actions up to the sort of single-minded intensity it takes to be a legendary winner in sport...when you are a man (and preferably a white one). McEnroe is affectionately remembered as a "bad boy."

But when you are a woman, and a black one at that, your wrong is more wrong than the next person's. In contrast to comments on McEnroe You Tube videos, reactions to Williams' tantrum are filled with racist language. Of course, for anyone who has ever spent time on You Tube, it shouldn't surprise to hear the word "animal" tossed around in reference to black women. What does surprise me (or maybe not) is the reaction of more mainstream sources.

Yahoo has been playing the Williams story on its front page for two days with language that would make a reader believe Williams had gone on some sort of bloody rampage.

The New York Times offered a breathless lead in to its coverage:

Serena Williams became unhinged in a shocking display of vitriol and profanity toward a line judge at the most inopportune time Saturday night — right before match point for Kim Clijsters in the semifinals of the United States Open.

The lineswoman involved in Williams' outburst is now said to have felt "threatened."

Several commenters on the generally progressive and feminist Jezebel piled on Williams and failed to note the gender and race biases inherent in their reactions. A commenter named LaComtesse offer this post and photo:

From the article: "I've never been in a fight in my whole life, so I don't know why she would have felt threatened," Williams said with a smile. Ummm....really, Ms. Williams? You don't see how, in certain situations (say, when you threaten to shove a ball down someone's throat), one might be intimidated by you when you're angry?

The poster's implications were rightfully challenged by several others.

Sports columnist Jason Whitlock blasted Williams as "an oversized, underachieving loudmouth..." who got "smacked into reality by a just-out-of-retirement mom." In the same article, Whitlock defends Michael Jordan's pompous, ungracious, "possibly cocktail-inspired" Hall of Fame rant, also delivered this weekend. Whitlock writes:

In graphic detail, he explained the slights — real, exaggerated and imagined — that fueled his competitive fire. He gave us a peek behind the curtain, a look at what drove the greatest competitor in our lifetime. I overlooked his missteps. He's a basketball player, not a motivational speaker. He spoke without a map. His words were not measured or chosen to create the impression he was anything beyond a competitive son of a bitch.

Got that? Jordan, whose ego is legendary, is an awesome "competitive son of a bitch." Williams? Just a "whiner," and an "oversized" one, in case you missed than throw-away sexist language.

Commenter Tom Smith, giving his opinion in the Orlando Sentinel's "Dud of the Week" sports feature, says simply:

Ah, Serena. You can take the girl out of the 'hood but .............

Wonder if McEnroe, Connors and Nastase are from that same 'hood?

The Williams sisters have long been demonized in the tennis world for having the temerity to be, not just winners, but also big (women shouldn't take up too much space), strong (women's bodies should be soft. Not too soft, mind you. Serena's muscular round posterior, preposterously gets called "fat."), confident (women should be shrinking and always self-effacing) and worse, black. They are called manly and unfeminine. Discussions of their playing style are accompanied with words like "brute strength."

Jezebel offered an excellent post about new tennis favorite Michelle Oudin last week that offers a hint at what America wants in its female athletes.

Oudin certainly seems to be a lovable sports star, and her accomplishments are definitely praise-worthy, but there is something off about the way she is being celebrated. She has been called the "darling" of the U.S. Open, America's sweetheart," a "pint-sized, freckled-faced blonde from Georgia," the "tiny little savior of women's tennis," everything it seems, save tennis' "Great White Hope"
although given the media coverage of Oudin's win, it would probably be more like the "little, teeny-tiny, super cute White Hope").

Especially problematic was this article from the Daily Beast, which quoted ESPN sportscaster Michelle Beadle comparing Oudin to the Williams sisters. "From Day 1, I've never heard the Williams sisters referred to as sweethearts." Read more...


It is instructive to see how Williams has been cast as a "baddie" in contrast to a talented, but admittedly more-sweetheart-appropriate Clijsters, who went on to. Jezebel notes in a post today:

Filip Bondy of the New York Daily News, who called the incident "very sad," notes that Williams is already being cast as a villain to Clijsters heroine: "There were fascinating elements to this match, though most of them were lost in the chaos. It might have been constructive to debunk the traditional, sexist perceptions about Clijsters and the Williams sisters. We condemn Serena and Venus for juggling business interests, while applauding Clijsters for quitting the game completely to have a baby."

This incident is perhaps the best example of how little leeway women, and black women in particular, have in the public eye. Serena Williams' behavior this weekend should be viewed as an unfortunate misstep by an otherwise admirable athlete, whose life, on an off the court, stands as a model for young women and men. Instead, we're worrying about Williams' future and whether her reputation can recover from this single incident. One incident, and to the masses, Williams has proved that she is not "America's Sweetheart," as if there was ever a question. One incident, and to the masses, Williams has proven their sexist and racist biases correct. One incident, and she is an angry, black woman--threatening, an animal.

Reports today say that Williams will receive a maximum fine for this weekend's incident and more sanctions may come. I wonder how much she will be fined by the public.

Can a woman--a black woman--lose her shit in public and recover without the stain remaining on her reputation forever? Will Serena's wrong be treated in the same way as the wrongs of male athletes? I wish that the answer was yes, but I don't know.

Dan Savage, Racism Has Its Rewards

TransGriot Note: This guest post is from my Canadian homegirl Renee at Womanist Musings

Well, it seems that HBO has decided to give Dan Savage his own show, excuse me for a moment while I am reflexively ill. Dan is just the kind of edgy fauxgressive that the media loves to embrace. He does after all write about the great taboo – sex. To make matters even more appealing, he represents the type of gay White male that the media loves to portray.

He is educated and has class privilege – yup, that sums up the GLBT community and allows networks like HBO to put a checkmark beside their inclusive of all peoples box. No need to find a person of color in the GLBT community to promote, when the media can present yet another edgy White male.

There are those that believe that any representation of the GLBT community is a good thing because let’s face it, there is a lot of invisibility in prime time, however; the stylized promotion of White male equalling the GLBT community, is problematic and racist. Can you believe I dared to say it? Then we have Savage himself, the great champion of gay rights. How could he possibly be deemed a problematic choice, when he dares to speak truth to power right? Well, how about we look at this little quote:

“I do know this, though: I’m done pretending that the handful of racist gay white men out there—and they’re out there, and I think they’re scum—are a bigger problem for African Americans, gay and straight, than the huge numbers of homophobic African Americans are for gay Americans, whatever their color.

"This will get my name scratched of the invite list of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, which is famous for its anti-racist-training seminars, but whatever. Finally, I’m searching for some exit poll data from California. I’ll eat my shorts if gay and lesbian voters went for McCain at anything approaching the rate that black voters went for Prop 8.”

Anyone recall a public apology for this little racist screed? Nope, why apologize? He is White and gay, and his lefty credentials means that he can say whatever the hell he wants, without apologizing to those he may have offended. What Dan really wants is equality and we uppity Negroes ruined it for him. He is well aware that homophobia is what is stopping him from taking full advantage of his White male privilege. I know who you want equality with Dan and it is certainly not with people who look like me.

Perhaps I should forget this little commentary, the way he forgot that Coretta Scott King said, “I appeal to everyone who believes in Martin Luther King’s dream to make room at the table of brotherhood and sisterhood for lesbian and gay people.” Is she representative of Black community for you Savage?

How about Julian Bond, chairman of the NAACP who stated, “There are no ‘special rights’ in America; we are all entitled to life, liberty and happiness’ pursuit. I see this as a civil rights issue. That means I support gay civil marriage.”

Then of course there is Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) who emphatically declared, “It is time to say forthrightly that government’s exclusion of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters from civil marriage officially degrades them and their families…this discrimination is wrong.”

We however are the danger to the GLBT community. No Black people have ever advocated for gay rights. Why would we, we are all to busy being thugs and harassing the GLBT community. Who would have thought that Harvey Milk, Matthew Shepard, Brandon Teena (transman), and JR Warren were all murdered in cold blood by White people. Wasn’t there an African American fall guy that they could have scraped together to blame for these deaths? We are, after all, nothing but homophobic thugs right?

Savage’s commentary post Prop 8 may have been forgotten by many but to those of us who are of color, who are either same gender loving or allies to the community, it is a sting that cannot be overlooked. Savage was not openly decried by the GLBT community, in fact he was championed as a hero. Those that are White can understand why he was upset, after all, who would want to be oppressed by Blacks, when socially it is understood that Whites are supposed to be the top of the food chain.

Well, Dan need not worry about being oppressed by Blacks because HBO will be giving him his own platform, where he may wax poetic and take his place amongst the pantheon of White males. For a man that is leading a life of extreme hardship, he seems to have done quite well for himself.

Guest Blogging At Feministe Until September 13

Wanted to let you loyal TransGriot readers know that my two week guest blogging stint at Feministe starts today and runs until September 13.

You can check out my initial post over there by clicking this link.

My game plan is to write a mix of posts exclusive to Feministe, some cross posts from TransGriot, and maybe a TransGriot classic or two.

But as always, the goal is to make sure it's thought provoking.

What About Our Legacy?

TransGriot Note: I was shocked and pleased to discover that in Dr. Susan Stryker's latest book Transgender History, I'm not only listed on Page 150 of it, this humble blog is listed as a resource for further transgender info.

It's an honor to be considered by Dr. Stryker, a person that I admire as a resource.

It also means I have to step up my blogging game another level and be a BETTER historical resource and repository of information.

Since the community seems hellbent on erasing the voices of our Black transleaders, and some of y'all don't know (or in come cases don't care) who they are, I'm going to take it upon myself and start an ongoing TransGriot project to invite those history making leaders to talk about whatever's on their minds on a regular basis.

First up is A. Dionne Stallworth. She's one of the original founders of GenderPac, and a longtime advocate and activist concerning issues of mental health, homelessness, people of color, and equality for all LGBTIQ people.

****

Among her many accomplishments, Dionne was one of the original founding
members of GenderPAC, a former officer and board member of the Pennsylvania
Mental Health Consumers’ Association, founded and ran the first organization in Philadelphia dealing with the issues of transgender youth of color, and one of the founding members and original co-chair of the Philadelphia–based Transgender Health Action Coalition.


Lately, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to my own mortality. I guess that could be that Michael Jackson and I shared the same age when he died. It could be that in the past five years, I have lost 6 others who I loved – an ex, two brothers, and my father among them. With that being said, I have sat by and watched the same-sex marriage take over the equality discussion for all queer or LGBTIQ2S rights. I have watched Lt. Dan Choi, in a real “David and Goliath” moment, fighting for gays to serve openly in the military. I have watched in recent days as ENDA includes gender-variant people and is being seriously discussed on the Hill.

With all of these occurrences, I wonder what kind of legacy will we as queer people actually intend to leave behind for our families, the kids who seem to be coming out even earlier to a world that hasn’t figured out how to deal with them fairly, justly and with dignity. I begin to actually wonder what has happened to queer history and our leadership.

I had the pleasure of meeting Barbra Gittings before she left us, admittedly too soon. A very wise woman. At the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference, I met a woman who I had only heard whispers about. When I first saw her, I thought: “Naw, it couldn’t be her. Just couldn’t be.” But as sure as I breathe, it was her. It was Miss Major, one of the two transgender pioneers I knew who were at Stonewall in 1969. She was dressed comfortably, and was poised and elegant. I wonder how many people besides me even knew she was there.

This brings me to my point of the day, folks – if we were there at Stonewall and before, and even at the subsequent events, why does there seem to be no trace of us in populist queer history? I mean, some of us may have been Black, but I don’t think it was that dark all the time to miss all of us. What about the Asian leaders like Pauline Park or Sabina Neem? What about the Latino/a leaders like Gloria Casarez or David Acosta? What is with history or herstory when all the pages and accomplishments are all white? What does this say to the next generation of queer people of color? What does this say about the fight for inclusion and equality? Does it mean that people of color are expendable? Does it mean that transgenders and gender-variant people are less queer than their White counterparts? From what I see and hear, with very little exception, some people are more deserving of equality than others. I see and hear that my human rights, my very right to exist, are less deserving than the right of gay people to be married. I ask the people reading my words now – is that the legacy, the true legacy, you wish to pass on?

In my lifetime, I have witnessed the election of the first African-American President of the United States. To be perfectly honest, I had my doubts that he was gonna make it, but he did. However, I remember another candidacy that virtually was done before it started – the candidacy of Shirley Chisholm. Look that one up in your history books.

I have watched the constant refrain from the leadership to the mainstream media: “We don’t want special rights. We want equal rights.” They say the more things change, the more they stay the same. It would appear to our leadership in organizations like HRC and GLAAD, and to representatives like Barney Frank, some people are more equal than others. Are they right? Is this the legacy we want to send to queer families and the next generation of our leadership?

We are at a most crucial point in our history. We can begin to truly call into question the “isms” that in the past have separated and divided us and made us easy prey for the purveyors of hate and division. We can begin to really what is necessary to take care of our next generation of leaders by investing in adoption not only for gay and lesbian children, but for transkids as well.

We can say no more to the hundreds of thousands of kids and adults who die from suicide each year. We can learn and teach each other our true history, which includes everybody and I mean EVERYBODY! With all the pain, hate, injustice and intolerance, we’ve all seen and experienced, do we really have time for the whitewashing of our history? Do we really have time to be so myopic that our own legacy slips right through our fingers?

What’s it going to be? It’s your move and ours.

Embracing Trans Diversity Is Not A Luxury

TransGriot Note: Another guest post from Monica Helms, the president of TAVA and editor of the Trans Universe Blog. She's weighing in with her take on the recent Washington DC LGBT event with the melanin free transgender contingent

July 8, 2006


Over the 12 years of living my life as Monica, I have been privileged to learn many things about the TBLG community, but mostly about the trans community. The biggest lesson in my short life as a woman has been the diversity of our people. Trans individuals have covered every segment of human experience since the dawn of time. We span all races, all sexual orientations, all gender identities, all gender expressions, all social and economic levels, all job experiences, all education levels, all ages and all health issues. If every American trans person populated just one city in America, it would be the third largest city in the country and every job in the city would be covered.

When I moved to Atlanta in 2000, I received the most important part of my education on diversity, that of the African American community. Living in Phoenix most of my life, I received a big education on the Latino and Native cultures of our population, but not much on the African American culture. But, coming to Atlanta had been the biggest eye-opener for me in finding out about the rich history – and sometimes tragic history – of my African American brothers and sisters. Moving here has proven to be one of the best decisions in my life.


I may have come a long way in understanding diversity, but because of a recent event in the White House, it has been shown that maybe the rest of our community still has a lot to learn. I’m not going to get too much into the event, since it happened on June 29. In a nutshell, President Obama held a gathering of about 200 TBLG people to commemorate the 40th Anniversary of Stonewall, of which only about eight trans people received invitations. Out of that eight, two were of Latino decent. However, they didn’t have any trans veterans of Stonewall, or any African American trans people. I don’t see that as embracing diversity in the trans community.

Several questions about the event in DC have not been answered to my satisfaction. 1.) Why wasn’t Miss Majors invited to this? 2.) Who provided the list of trans people that suggested who should go? 3.) Who picked the attendees from that list? 4.) Who didn’t make the cut and why did they not make it? 5.) Had there been extensive background checks made on these people? 6.) And, why were there not any crossdressers, intersex people and gender queer people invited?

The lack of African American people at this event speaks to a larger problem facing the transgender community in general. The most vocal and most well-known African American trans person I know, Monica Roberts, wrote about this event and the lack of African American trans people in her article on TransGriot, dated July 1, 2009. It was posted in other places.

She also posted it on The Bilerico Project, where she got over 60 comments, some of them from gay white men who attacked her. She provided a list of several people who should have been there, but the most glaring omission to the guest list had been Miss Majors. She has the distinction of being the last known African American trans person who helped to start the riots at Stonewall 40 years ago.

In the comment section of the Bilerico article, she and others pointed out that several trans African Americans could not only pass the Secret Service background check, but would have represented all trans people proudly. Yet, none of them received invitations.

Why does the transgender community find it so hard to accept diversity and admit we have a problem in race relationships? As a white trans women, I get angry and disappointed in how some of my white brothers and sister treat race issues with such a low priority. In the comment section of Monica’s article on Bilerico, only one person who attended the event at the White House cared enough to answer some of the questions by others. All of the other people who attended didn’t even make an attempt to contact Monica privately on this issue. Is it that they have too many other fancy events to attend to bother addressing one of the core issues dividing our frail community?

Yes, I’m being factitious, but since they don’t want to listen to one Monica about this problem, then maybe two Monicas in stereo might get their attention. Maybe, but I’m not holding my breath on it.

The trans community has too many things that divide us to go out of our way to make some of them worse. Indeed, some make it a point to create ways to divide us, while others divide us without realize they had done it. Too many times I have seen a newbie trans woman on a diverse discussion list start off with, “Hey, girls.” If none of the trans men say anything, I try to point it out right away. Some particular life experiences tend to give people a narrow view of our community. People need to constantly be aware of the diversity of the trans community, as they transverse through it.

When it comes to race relations, the lessons become harder to learn, but not impossible. What I saw taking place from the discussion of the DC event were people who have been made aware of a problem in race relations, but choose to ignore it. The problem will not go away. The prominent white “leaders” in the trans community need to put as much effort in healing the rift between the Black leaders in our community as they do in lobbying Congress for our rights. A summit is in order. But, I don’t see any of the white leaders making an effort.

Since the beginning of the century, we have seen massive improvements on the state and local levels protecting the rights of transgender people. However, the number of People of Color ending up on the Remembering Our Dead list has grown to over 70%. We have an African American President who has shown great pride in his heritage, but hosts an event that shuns trans people of that same heritage.

We have trans organizations (TAVA included) where the top leaders are white. We have young African American trans people living in a world with few or no known heroes to emulate. We have several African American trans people who can make ALL of the trans community proud, but they get little press or exposure from the white trans leaders. We have a major problem that many white trans people seem to ignore.

Well, I refuse to ignore this any longer and I am standing up to be counted as a white person who will fight racial indifference in the white trans community. I know many of my white brothers and sisters will be counted as well. Some people say I’m a “leader” in this community. If so, I’ll stick my neck out here, as I have done so many times in the past.

“As the President of the Transgender American Veterans Association, I call for a Race Relations Summit.”

It’s not like TAVA is doing a damn thing anyway, right? I’m sure no one will respond to this. Why should they? They’re too busy with their own issues to care and TAVA wasn’t one of the national groups invited to the White House, along with our African American brothers and sisters. We will be ignored, but not forever.

As veterans, we fought along side our Brothers and Sister of Color, counting on them to watch our backs as we watched theirs. Veterans understand the need to work together, because our lives depended on it in the trenches, the fox holes and on board ships. Well friends, our lives as trans people depend on it just as much today. It would be advisable to work toward that goal. After all, embracing diversity is not a luxury, but a necessity.

Of New Jack Racism – Jim And Jane Crow Makes A Comeback !

TransGriot Note: Guest post by Dawn Wilson, 2000 IFGE Trinity Award winner and the first African-American trans person to win the award.

Once again the forces of ignorance in the TG community show themselves. When my friend Monica wrote about the lack of African American transgender persons at the recent event in the White House she was kinder than I would have been.

It is well noted in many surveys that the minority transgendered population suffers the most in today’s society.

Case in point, the 2000 Washington DC Transgender Needs Assessment Survey (WTNAS) which pointed out the gross disparities faced by many young minority men and women

It was compiled from 263 questionnaires collected from September 11, 1999 to January 31, 2000. Duplication was prevented by the use of an acrostic as a unique identifier for each participant. Subtraction of duplicated and incomplete/inconsistent questionnaires produced a final total of 252.

Participants range in age from 13 to 61, with nearly 80% 36 years and under. Seventy-five percent or respondents report being born anatomically male, 24% female and 1% intersexed. Over 94% are of color, with nearly 70% African-American and 22% Latino/a. Eighty-four percent are U.S. citizens, and 20% have immigrated to the U.S., mostly from Latin American countries. The majority of the participants self-report their sexual orientation as Gay (65%), their gender identity as Transgender (69%) and their relationship status as single (69%).

The WTNAS survey found and I quote:

Forty percent have not finished high school, and only 58% are employed in paid positions. Twenty-nine percent report no source of income, and another 31% report annual incomes under $10,000. Fifteen percent report losing a job due to discrimination from being transgendered. Forty-three percent of the participants have been a victim of violence or crime, with 75% attributing a motive of either transphobia or homophobia to it.

Almost half of the participants (47%) do not have health insurance, and 39% do not have a doctor whom they see for routine health care.

Ratings of accessed regular health care services with regard to their quality and sensitivity to the participants as transgendered individuals range from Good to Excellent, but the numbers reporting indicate a low level of overall access.

The most common barriers to accessing regular medical care reported are lack of insurance (64%), inability to pay (46%), provider insensitivity or hostility to transgendered people (32%), and fear of transgender status being revealed (32%).

With disparities like these, the question is clear. Where were the trans minorities of color?

As author Alice Walker pointed out, “No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.”

It was pure arrogance on the behalf of imitation French vanilla transgendered activists to think they have the power to dictate to the transgender community at large who is acceptable in their eyes to meet with the President of the United States.

If they were truly our allies, they needed to talk to the leaders in the African American transgendered diaspora that we chose to represent us.

Unfortunately, some people fell for that ‘okey-doke’ illusion of inclusion strategy and instead of giving a multicultural panel a chance to represent us, went out and formed another white-dominated panel and anointed its leader as THE spokesperson for the community. Because of this, the tranquilizing drug of complacency was injected into the transgender community and put us in the position once again of being sold out.

As reprehensible as those actions were, there was a silver lining in all of this. People are beginning to question this community’s commitment to diversity.

One of the lessons I was taught by my Sunday School teacher Sister Willie Mae Lewis was a mantra drilled into us that I remember to this day that resembles a math equation.

Accountability + Responsibility = Credibility

She also reminded her students that before one can lead, one must be willing to follow and hold themselves accountable for their actions.

It seems that some transgender community leaders and other people inside the Beltway have forgotten that lesson, much less been taught it.

It is time for them to learn the folly of their ways and school is in session.

Men In Dresses? In The Military? I Don't &#@!* Think So!

TransGriot Note: This guest post is from Monica Helms, the President of TAVA, the Transgender American Veterans Association and editor of the Trans Universe blog. It's another emphatic reminder that the late Christine Jorgensen, some of our transleaders and various people in our community proudly served in the military. It also exposes the lies, moral bankruptcy of the Forces of Intolerance's devoid of logic remarks opposing the impending DADT repeal and sadly, the cowardice of our 'friends'.


March 21st, 2009
By Monica F. Helms

The impending repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell hangs over Bigot Americans like a specter of doom that will reach biblical proportions. In other words, they lack a strong grip on reality. They will do anything it takes to instill fear on the unknowing masses, stopping short of predicting the coming of The Rapture. Well, maybe they won’t stop short of that.

In this endless process of misinformation and out-and-out lies, the one part of the LGBT community that they like pointing to in order to generate the most fear are transgender people. They will always gravitate to the worn-out, standard line from the Bigot’s Handbook (Volume 17, 5th Edition, page 963,) “Men in dresses.” If all else fails, they can always throw out “Men in dresses,” even if it has nothing to do with transgender people. To Bigot Americans, ALL gay men wear dresses. That’s BS to the max. Hell, I know several trans women and lesbians who wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress.

Let me show the important points in this latest round of lies that the BAs like to gloss over or don’t wish people to know about.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell does not cover gender identity or expression.

It should have, but sadly it doesn’t. No one thought that transgender people actually served in the military. The possibility was too outrageous to everyone, including gays and lesbians. They forgot about Christine Jorgensen. We were nothing more than an after thought once again.

The military thinks that anyone who wishes to change their sex is automatically gay. However, transsexuals will still be subjected to discharge under different rules after DADT becomes history. Also, any man caught crossdressing off duty will be subjected to these same rules.

I’m wondering if anyone could dodge the bullet on this by saying they were gay and pointed out that DADT has been repealed. Some may get away with it if they have a stupid commander, but I wouldn’t recommend this path. It could catch up to them later. The best bet would be to have the Department of Defense address this issue separately so transgender people can also serve openly, like they can in six other countries.

Military people wear standard uniforms.

All I can say to this is “DUH!” We have an all-volunteer military, so everyone serving asked for that job. If a person takes a job, then they follow the rules set down in the workplace. Plane and simple. Besides the military, many other jobs require a person to wear a uniform. If you do the work, then you dress the part. Men will NOT be wearing dresses while on duty. Reality is not a Korean War sitcom.

In all the state and local jurisdictions where laws have been passed to protect transgender people in employment – some going back to the early 1990s – there has not been one case where a man came to work wearing a dress and got fired. Workplaces have dress codes that are gender specific, so if a person wants to keep their job, then they will follow these guidelines. However, dress codes should not be used as a weapon to prevent transsexuals from transitioning. It would be the same in the military.

The area where Bigot Americans seem to have a problem pertains to a transsexual who begins living full time in their target gender. The BAs insist that no one can change their sex, so transsexuals should be considered “men in dresses.” What about “women in pants” when it comes to FtMs? I don’t seem to hear that bantered around much.

Luckily, a good portion of large corporations and many smaller companies now understand the process and allow their transsexual employees to wear the gender specific clothing or uniforms appropriate for their new gender. So, that means that if a male-to-female transsexual is allowed to transition in the military, they would not be considered “men in dresses.” Corporations already have a handle on that and so would the military.



Some gays and lesbians refuse to discuss transgender people in the military.

The Transgender American Veterans Association has heard over and over and over that when DADT gets brought up, transgender people have to be left out. When this first came up, the excuse we heard was, “DADT only covers sexual orientation.” TAVA knew that transgender people had been targeted and discharged under DADT, but without any proof, the ones protecting the integrity of the wording in the Military Readiness Enhancement Act could easily blow us off. The specter of “men in dresses” scares them as much as it does the Bigot Americans.

But, the excuse given to keep us from being covered has now been proven to be nothing more than smoke and mirrors. I have to keep bringing up the TAVA Survey, because the facts can no longer be ignored. We have the proof of what we have been saying all along, but the guardians of the bill still will not listen. Their “baby” has grown up to a whole new world and it needs to reflect that new world.

What is wrong with creating a whole new bill that allows all LGB AND T people to serve openly, instead of just repealing the existing law? The new bill covering all of us would not only trump the existing law, thus repealing it, but allow for transgender people to serve openly in the military. When the legislators originally wrote the bill, we had a Republican-controlled government, so they went for the bare bone. We now have a government who will pass a more comprehensive bill, so why are the gay and lesbians working on this issue still running scared? I’ll tell you why. “Men in dresses.”

As I stated above, six countries allow transgender people to serve openly. Canada, UK, Israel, and Thailand allow all of their transgender people to serve, whereas Australia and Spain allow FtM transsexuals to serve openly. If they have figured it out, then I would hope that America is smart enough to also figure it out. But, the truth of the matter has nothing to do with “figuring it out.” The legislators sponsoring this bill and the gays and lesbians pushing for it lack the will power to do the right thing. Because other countries have figured this out without any problems, then we won’t be inventing the wheel. Too bad some people feel scared of doing the right thing.

Reality check on transgender people in the military.

Who are the idiots out there who think that just because a person identifies as being trans, they can’t control themselves and have to dress in women’s clothes on duty, as if they had some form of “fashion tourettes syndrome?” From personal experience and from knowing hundreds of other transgender veterans, they have far more control over their gender issues then the hundreds of men who can’t control their urge to commit rape.

Some, not all, transgender military people (specifically MtF) will crossdress off duty, off base, when on liberty or leave. They shouldn’t be penalized for this. When they go back to duty, they will make sure no evidence, regardless of how small it could be, will be left on their bodies. They would not shave their legs or body hair, but would never grow a beard unless being at sea for many months, or in a war zone. Their clothes would be tucked away at a civilian friend’s house, a bus station locker, in the trunk of their car, or any other place where no one in the military would find them. Conversely, FtM military people could get away with looking as butch as possible, both on and off duty. Still, that doesn’t protect them from the DADT wolves.

Up until the 1990s and the extensive use of the Internet, transgender people in the military did not have a lot to go on when it came to the feelings they had. Most thought that no one else in the world felt like them. They knew of Renee Richards, Wendy Carlos and Christine Jorgensen, but could not be sure if their life needed to go in that direction. Many joined the military so it could “make a man out of them,” but that didn’t work. During the Vietnam Era, some join to have the Viet Cong “take care of their problem,” but instead, they came home with the same “problem’ and new ones to boot. No matter why they joined, their secret would be one they would take to their grave. The “men in dresses” BS that Bigot Americans like tossing out would be the last thing they would ever think of.

Looking back on my time in the military, I remember one thing that makes me still smile today when I think about it. When out on patrol on a submarine, we knew the very day we would return, like clockwork. In the middle of the patrol, we would have what we called, “Halfway Night.” During the celebration, we would have contests, some would sing or play guitars, I played a kazoo and others would do skits. Inevitably, there was always one person who just so happened to have all the necessary items to dress as a woman for a skit. Looking back at that, I now understand why.

The subject of gays in the military will not be put to rest, even after DADT is repealed. There will always be Americans who will never accept this, even if a decade passes without incident. A transgender person serving openly is another subject all together, yet we can serve just as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight people can. The military has set rules for uniforms, so even a transitioning transsexual will be required to dress appropriately for their new gender. And, if six other countries can do this, then so can we.

Transgender people have enough problems bucking the system on this issue without having our gay and lesbian friends make fun of us or intentionally hold us back because of being afraid that we would upset the delicate senses of the legislators. We see yet another situation where transgender people are being told, “We’ll come back for you later.” Too bad, but “later” is NOW, and we have all the proof to show why. Take your heads out of the sand and let’s do the right thing for once. And, don’t let me ever hear a gay man or lesbian use “men in dresses” when talking about transgender people in the military, even if it’s in a joking manner.

The Not Rape Epidemic

TransGriot Note: For us transwomen who occasionally gripe about the fact we didn't grow up female from jump street, here's an essay from guest columnist Latoya Peterson of Racialicious that also appeared on Yes Means Yes.

It's a reminder to us transwomen that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the gender street. If you haven't gotten that message from the Remembering Our Dead list yet, we are also moving targets for sexual assault as well.

*Trigger Warning*

Latoya’s Note: So, as promised, here’s the original version of the essay that appears in Yes Means Yes. If you see this popping up in your reader, I do not recommend you read it at work.

Rape is only four letters, one small syllable, and yet it is one of the hardest words to coax from your lips when you need it most.

Entering our teenage years in the sex saturated ’90s, my friends and I knew tons about rape. We knew to always be aware while walking, to hold your keys out as a possible weapon against an attack. We knew that we shouldn’t walk alone at night, and if we absolutely had to, we were to avoid shortcuts, dark paths, or alleyways. We even learned ways to combat date rape, even though none of us were old enough to have friends that drove, or to be invited to parties with alcohol. We memorized the mantras, chanting them like a yogic sutra, crafting our words into a protective charm with which to ward off potential rapists: do not walk alone at night. Put a napkin over your drink at parties. Don’t get into cars with strange men. If someone tries to abduct you, scream loudly and try to attack them because a rapist tries to pick women who are easy targets.

Yes, we learned a lot about rape.

What we were not prepared for was everything else. Rape was something we could identify, an act with a strict definition and two distinct scenarios. Not rape was something else entirely.

Not rape was all those other little things that we experienced everyday and struggled to learn how to deal with those situations. In those days, my ears were filled with secrets that were not my own, the confessions of not rapes experienced by the girls I knew then and the women I know now.

When I was twelve, my best friend at the time had met a guy and lied to him about her age. She told him she was sixteen and she did have the body to back it up. Some “poor hapless” guy sleeping with her accidentally would make complete sense - except for the fact that guy was twenty-five. He eventually slept with her, taking her virginity, even after he figured out how old we were. After all, it’s kind of a dead giveaway if you’re picking your girlfriend up at a middle school.

Another friend of mine friend shocked me one day after a guy (man really) walked past us and she broke down into a sobbing heap where we stood. She confided in me that when she was eleven she had a child, but her mother had forced her to put the child up for adoption. The baby’s father was the guy who had nonchalantly passed her by on the street. We were thirteen at the time, a few weeks shy of entering high school.

Later, I found out that she was at school when she met her future abuser/baby daddy. He was aware she was about eleven - what other age group is enrolled in Middle School? At the time, this guy was about nineteen. He strung her along in this grand relationship fantasy, helping her to cut school as they drove around and had sex in the back of his car. When she got pregnant with his child, he dropped her. However, living in the same area means she would run into him about once a month, normally leading to an outburst of tears or screaming fits on her end and cool indifference (with the occasional “you were just a slut anyway”) from him.

In high school, I had two Asian friends I was fairly close with. We would often end up hanging out after school at the mall with all the other teenagers our age. Occasionally, we would take the bus to the really nice mall in the upper class neighborhood, so we could be broke in style. It was there - in the affluent neighborhood - that my Asian friends dealt with the worst of their harassment. I can remember that each friend, on different occasions, was approached by older white men in their thirties and forties and quizzed about their ethnic backgrounds, ages, and dating status. These men always seemed to slip cards into their hands, asking them to call them later. My friends smiled demurely, always waiting until the man had gone before throwing their number away.

The years kept passing and the stories kept coming.

My ex-boyfriend had a friend who had been dating the same girl for about seven years. I found out the girl was eighteen at the time of their breakup. Eighteen minus seven equals what? The girl was eleven when they began dating while the man involved was nineteen. When the relationship ended, he was twenty-seven. I expressed disgust, and my ex had told me that while everyone else in their friend circle had felt the same way, the girl’s parents were fine with it, even allowing the guy to spend the night at their home. “Besides,” my ex offered nonchalantly, “she had the body of a grown woman at age eleven.”

Not rape came in other many other forms as well. No one escaped - all my friends had some kind of experience with it during their teen years.

Not rape was being pressured into losing your virginity in a swimming pool pump room to keep your older boyfriend happy.

Not rape was waking up in the middle of the night to find a trusted family friend in bed with you - and having nightmares about something that you can’t remember during the daylight hours.

Not rape was having your mother’s boyfriends ask you for sexual favors.

Not rape was feeling the same group of boys grope you between classes, day after day after day.

Not rape was being twelve years old, having a “boyfriend” who was twenty-four and trading sex for free rides, pocket money, Reeboks, and a place to stay when your mother was tripping.

My friends and I confided in each other, swapping stories, sharing out pain, while keeping it all hidden from the adults in our lives. After all, who could we tell? This wasn’t rape - it didn’t fit the definitions. This was Not rape. We should have known better. We were the ones who would take the blame. We would be punished, and no one wanted that. So, these actions went on, aided by a cloak of silence.

For me, Not rape came in the form of a guy from around the neighborhood. I remember that they called him Puffy because he looked like the rapper Sean “Puffy” Combs. He was friends with a guy I was friends with, T. I was home alone on hot summer day when I heard a knock on the patio door. I peeked through the blinds and recognized Puffy, so I opened the door a few inches. He asked if I had seen T around, and I told him no. The conversation continued, the contents so trivial that they are lost to memory.

So, I have no idea why he chose to pause and look me full in the face before saying:

“I can do whatever I want to you.”

My youthful braggadocio got the best of me, so I spat out, “Oh, what the fuck ever,” moving to pull the door closed.

Quick as a cobra, his hand darted past the screen, catching my wrist as I reached for the latch. A bit of tugging quickly turned sinister as I realized he wasn’t playing around.

He pinned me in the doorway, forcing me down to the floor barely inside my apartment. Holding my arm behind my back with one hand as I struggled against him, he calmly, deliberately allowed his free hand to explore my body. He squeezed my still budding breasts, then slipped his hands down my pants, taking his time while feeling up my behind. When he was finished, he let me up, saying again, “I can do whatever I want.” After he finished his cold display of power, he walked away.

After he left, I closed the balcony door, locked it, and put the security bar in the window, even though it was broad daylight.

I felt disgusting and dirty and used. I remember wanting to take a shower, but instead taking a seat on the couch trying to process what had happened and what I could do next.

Fighting him was out, as he had already proved he was stronger than I was. I considered telling some of my guy friends, but I quickly realized I had nothing to tell them. After all, I wasn’t raped, and it would really come to my word against his. As I was the neighborhood newcomer, I was at a disadvantage on that front. Telling my mom was out as well - I’d only get into trouble for opening the door for boys while she was at work.

I gritted my teeth in frustration. There was nothing I could do to him that wouldn’t come back on me worse. So I got up, took my shower, and stayed silent.

A few weeks later, I ran into T and some other guys from the neighborhood while I was walking to the store with one of my friends. T informed us that they were going to hang out in one of the empty apartments in the neighborhood. This was a popular activity in my old neighborhood - some guys would normally find a way to gain entry into one of the vacant apartments or townhouses and then use the place as a clubhouse for a few days.

My friend was game, but I felt myself hesitate. The memory of my Not rape was still fresh in my mind and T was still friends with Puffy. There was also the possibility that Puffy would be there in the apartment, and that was a confrontation I did not want. I refused, and my friend was angry at me for passing up the chance to hang out with the cutest boys in the neighborhood. Since I had never told this particular friend what happened, I shrugged off her anger and made an excuse to head home.

A few days after that meeting, I was on the school bus headed to morning classes. The local news report was on and the announcement that came across the airwaves stunned the normally rowdy bus into silence. The voice on the radio informed us of a brutal rape that occurred in our neighborhood. Due to the savage nature of the crime, all six of the teenage defendants would be tried as adults. The names were read and a collective gasp rose from the bus - T’s name was on that list! Jay, a guy who knew about the friendly flirtation I had going with T, leaned over and joked “Uh-huh - T’s gonna get you!”

I remained silent as my mind was racing. The strongest, most persistent thought rose to the top of my mind - oh my God, that could have been me.

At the time, I didn’t know how right I was.

A few years later, I was a high school junior on top of the world. For the most part, memories of my Not rape had been buried in the back of my mind somewhere. My third year in high school was consumed by two major responsibilities: student government and mock trial.

When I was sixteen, I knew I was destined to be a lawyer and I took advantage of every opportunity that would push me toward that goal. I signed up for mock trial and as part of our responsibilities our trial team was supposed to watch a criminal proceeding in action.

On the day we arrived at the local courthouse, there were three trials on the docket: a traffic case, a murder case, and a rape case. Nixing the traffic case, we trouped into the first courtroom which held the murder trial, only to find that the trial was on hold, pending pre-trial motions. We turned back and went into the courtroom where the rape trial was being held.

Never did it cross my mind that I would walk through the doors to see to picture of my Not rapist, captured in a Polaroid and displayed on a whiteboard with the other five rapists being tried. The prosecution was speaking, so we were quickly caught up on the specifics of the case.

While the rape had occurred in 1997 and most of the defendants - including T - had been convicted in 1998, this was the trial to determine the fate of the last of the six, a man who claimed he had left the scene before any crime had occurred.

Through word of mouth, I had learned that T had been sentenced and he would not be eligible for parole until he was forty-six years old. (I have since learned that T should be released by the end of this year. His victim should be about 21 years of age.) I had also learned that the crime was a gang rape, but knew no other details.

The prosecutor pulled out a picture of the girl the six boys had brutalized. In the first photo she was bright-eyed and neat looking, her dark hair pulled into a high ponytail which complimented her fair skin. She was dressed in athletic casual wear, as if she was on her way to a track meet.

The prosecutor then pulled out a second picture, taken post assault. Her face was a mass of purple and red bruises. One of her eyes was blood red - the attorney informed us that she had received extensive damage to the blood vessels in her eyes. The other eye was swollen shut. Her lips were also bloodied and bruised. He placed the two photographs side by side. From photo to photo, the girl had been rendered unrecognizable.

Quietly laying out the facts, the prosecutor deftly painted a tale of horror. The girl had met T and another boy (my Not rapist? I still didn’t know his government name) on a bus. The boys had convinced her to come with them and they led her to a vacant apartment. Unknown to the girl, there were four other men also hanging out that day. She was forced to give oral sex to some of the men, and then she was beaten, raped, and sodomized. She was found in the apartment unconscious, surrounded by used condoms, semen, and fecal matter.

My blood ran cold as I tried to process what I was hearing.

T was capable of this? The prosecutor was still speaking, and he made mention that there appeared to be one main ringleader with the other five guys going along for the ride. My teammates sat in rapt attention while I tried to figure out how soon we could leave. On one hand, I realized that my Not rapist and T were behind bars already, instead of roaming the streets to do this to someone else.

And yet, a part of me wondered if I should have spoken up. If I had told someone, anyone, could I have prevented this from happening? I regarded the girl’s picture once again. It is pretty rare to see the expression “beaten to a bloody pulp” illustrated in real life. I should have said something, I thought to myself, I should have tried.

My internal monologue was interrupted by the defense attorney taking the floor. He pointed out his client from the photos lining the wall, and calmly explained how his client was present in the apartment, but left before the attack began. He built his case, explaining that his client was generally a good kid, but outnumbered, and that his client opted to leave the area instead of participate in any wrongdoing. He then turned to the jury and said:

"You will also hear that —– wasn’t such a good girl after all. You will hear that she skipped school. You will hear that she smoked marijuana. You will hear that she willingly skipped school to go smoke marijuana with two boys she had just met."

My mouth fell open out of shock. There wasn’t even a question of consent in this case - the damage to the girl’s face attested to that. And yet, here was this defense attorney trying to assassinate the victim’s character. For what? Why was what she was doing that day even relevant in the context of what she experienced?

The defense attorney finished his opening statement and the judge started dispensing instructions to the jury. I forced myself to swallow the bile in my throat. As the judge dismissed the court for a break, I scooted out of the room and took a deep breath of air. My team went for lunch, and I persuaded them not to go back to watch the next part of the trial.

That day in court was the day I fully understood the concept of being raped twice - first during the act and then later during the court proceedings. That was also the day I realized that telling someone about my Not rape would have netted a similar, if not more dismissive response. I had no evidence of the act, no used condom wrapper, no rape kit, no forced penetration.

If the defense attorney was attempting to sow the seeds of doubt in the face of indisputable evidence, what would have happened if I had chosen to speak up?

This is how the Not Rape epidemic spreads - through fear and silence, which become complicit in perpetuating the behaviors described here. Women of all backgrounds are affected by these kinds of acts, regardless of race, ethnicity, or social class. So many of us carry the scars of the past with us into our daily lives. Most of us have pushed these stories to the back of our minds, trying to have some semblance of a normal life that includes romantic and sexual relationships. However, waiting just behind the tongue is story after story of the horrors other women experience and hide deep within the self behind a protective wall of silence.

As I continue to discuss these issues, I continue to be surprised when revealing my story reveals an outpouring of emotion or confession from other women. When I first began discussing my Not Rape and all of the baggage that comes with it, I expected to be blamed or not to be believed.

I never expected that each woman I told would respond with her own story in kind.

I am twenty-four years old now, ten years removed from my Not rape. I still think of the girl who was assaulted and hope that she was still able to have something of a normal life. As I matured, I came to understand more about the situation. As the years passed, my shame turned to anger, and I began learning the tools I could have used to fight back.

At age fourteen, I lacked the words to speak my experience into reality. Without those words, I was rendered silent and impotent, burdened with the knowledge of what did not happen, but unable to free myself by talking about what did happen.

I cannot change the experiences of the past.

But, I can teach these words, so that they may one day be used by a young girl to save herself.

Not rape comes in many forms - it is often known by other names. What happened to me is called a sexual assault. It is not the same as rape, but it is damaging and painful. My friends experienced statutory rape, molest, and coercion.

What happened in the courtroom is a byproduct of rape culture - when what happens to women in marginalized, when beyond a shadow of a doubt still isn’t enough, when your past, manner of dress, grade point average or intoxication level are used to excuse the despicable acts of sexual violence inflicted upon you by another.

Internalized shame is what I experienced, that heavy feeling that it was my fault for allowing the sexual assault to happen. There was a fear that if I spoke up, people would look at me differently, or worse, wouldn’t believe me at all.

Without these words, those experiences feed off each other, perpetuating a culture of silence and allowing these attacks to continue.

With the proper tools, we equip our girls to speak of their truth and to end the silence that is complicit in rape culture.

Teenaged girls need to know that dating an older man will not make them cooler, and that older man cannot rescue them from their parents. Teenaged boys should be able to help as well, trying to keep their friends away from predators. (My male friends did this for me a few times if they were around, coming to my aid of some guy started acting up. For some reason, the simple presence of another man is enough to make these kind of men leave.) Adult men should be cautioned about the effects of the actions and how most of these girls are not of the age of consent. And parents should be made aware that their children are being targeted by predatory men and that they should stay vigilant.

Adults, particularly older women, should take an active interest in the young girls they know. My boyfriend has two younger sisters. One of them recently entered her teenage years. Her body started to develop and she has attracted more male attention. I notice small changes in her - how she looks at the floor a lot more than she used to, or how she seems uncomfortable going anywhere without a group of girlfriends. She still looks like an average teenager but she is often hesitant and uncomfortable, unless she is around her peers. However, I knew her before she developed so quickly. And I notice the change that a year (as well as taking the metro to and from school) starts. I’m fairly certain she’s trying to navigate the minefield of male attention she receives.

After all, I’ve walked that same field as well.

Finally, we need to cast a critical eye on how rape culture is perpetuated on an institutional level. From how hospitals distribute rape kits to keeping tags on questionable verdicts, we must take the lead in telling the criminal justice system that rape apologists and enablers will not be tolerated.

But above all, we must give girls the tools they need to defend themselves against sexual predators.

The small things we can do - paying attention, giving the words they need, instilling the confidence in which to handle these situations and providing a non judgmental ear when a student or teen approaches us with a problem - may be the best, an perhaps only, weapons they have to continue the fight against this epidemic.