May 2007 TransGriot Column

Genetic Women and Transwomen: Can We Be Friends?
Copyright 2007, THE LETTER


I’ve done a lot of thinking about the undercurrent of tension between genetic women and transwomen. I posted the following set of questions on the Net a few weeks ago to discover if it were possible to overcome the hostility and form healthy friendships with each other.

1-What do we transwomen need to bring to the table to make friendships between us and genetic women work successfully?

2-What do genetic women need to do to make it work?

3-What in your opinion are the mistakes that both parties make that create barriers to forming healthy friendships and what can be done to avoid them?

4-What are the advantages/disadvantages to both parties in cultivating friendships with the other?

Thanks to transwomen Joann, Traci, Lexi and Angelica and biowomen Audrea and Jazz for consenting to express their thoughts on this subject. It’s deeply appreciated.

The consensus of both sides to Question 1 was that transwomen simply need to be themselves and be open and honest about their status.

Audrea stated, “I feel that communication and honesty are important parts of any friendship; regardless of the friends' appearances or backgrounds. Personally, I feel that transwomen and genetic women are the same essentially, and they should all be treated as such. Some women may feel threatened or resentment towards transwomen, but those feelings are based on fear and ignorance. These things have no place in a true friendship.

The consensus on both sides concerning Question 2 was that education was the answer

“I think genetic women should just be open to getting to know transwomen,“ said Jazz.

Joann agreed. “I think many need to learn the truth about what transgendered women are and are not. It’s time to let a lot those old misconceptions about us go.”

The panelist’s thoughts about Question 3 were that insecurities on both sides and lack of respect for one another led to the condescending comments and disagreements that inflames tensions between the two groups.

"I think if some of us were honest, I believe on both the side of genetic women and the side of transsexual women there is an element of intimidation. Women who are around beautiful transsexuals compare themselves by thinking "I'm a real woman, and I don't look like that." or "I'm a real woman, you're just pretending to be one." And as transsexuals we sometimes are intimidated believing that they are indeed "real" women and we are not. So sometimes we over compensate for the things we believe we lack in being a "real" woman,” said Angelica.

Question 4 had both groups seeing having the other as friends being a plus.

“They should comprehend the fact that we can be very formidable allies when it comes to deciphering the male ego. They should also know how deeply we desire to bond with them as the true sisters that we all need to be,” said Traci.

As for the negatives, the transwomen expressed concerns that the insecurities of both groups would rear their ugly heads or that their genetic female friend would be mistaken for a transwoman once they start hanging with the genetic woman on a consistent basis.

“I have to say that I think the issue in relationships between transwomen and natal women is multi-dimensional. I think Angelica said it best when she wrote about the insecurities that both sets of women feel around the other. So, in my opinion, that is the first and probably biggest factor,” said Lexi.

So in closing, there appears to be willingness on both sides to keep open minds and get to know each other.

Said Audrea, “I say that the more diversity one is exposed to, the better. I don't see any disadvantages developing when involved in an open, adult friendship. I appreciate my transwomen and men friends just as much as my genetic friends. When choosing friends what gender one is should make no difference. I'm happy to say, for me it's a non-issue.

Same here.



TransGriot note: This article triggered a series of blog posts on the subject.

April 2006 TransGriot Column

Friends..I Got Friends
Copyright 2006, THE LETTER

Friends
I got friends
My values are with my
Friends
So glad that I
I got friends
And not the fair weather kind

This is the chorus to the classic 1980's Shalamar song about friendship and what it means to be one.

One of the unexpected benefits of founding Transistahs-Transbrothas in 2004 was the fact that I gained some new friends and reconnected with some old ones in the trans community.

A member of Transistahs-Transbrothas recently posted to the list about feeling 'alienated' because TSTB members share a closeness and cohesion that isn't found on many Internet lists and the member felt left out. While that wasn't intentional, the comment did spark some discussion and I spent a few days pondering the question.

What does it mean to be a friend?

Maintaining a friendship takes a lot of work, shared values, some shared interests and a commitment from both parties to keep the lines of communication open. I've been blessed to still have some friends around in my life that I met in elementary, junior high and high school. Others I have met during various periods of my life.

One of my cardinal rules about friendships is that I treat them like a marriage. Once I've gotten to the point that I consider you a friend, it's till death do us part. Loyalty is another important characteristic that I look for in my friends. What I mean by that is that they know that I'll have their backs and they'll have mine.

In that regard I've been blessed to have friends that took two days off from work to help me move, forwarded a manuscript of mine I was working on to an agent, read another one of my manuscripts and critiqued it, set me up with DJ gigs, paid my airfare home when I needed to go back to H-town for my grandmother's funeral and was in between paychecks, and helped teach me the ins and outs of Femininity 101.

I also don't limit myself to my age group when I choose my friends. I like having a diverse, intellectual group of people around me. There are times when a 24 year old can give me fresh insights on an issue that someone in my peer group may not be able to. I also like soaking up wisdom from friends who are older than me.

I always liked having people smarter than me around that I can learn and grow from but that doens't necessarily mean that you have to be a college grad to be my friend. Some of the smartest people I've interacted with in my life had less than a high school education but taught me much.

Friends will also tell you when you're screwing up, give you that motivational kick in the butt when you need it, praise you when you deserve it or give you that comforting hug or words when you're feeling down. They have a way of making you feel that you are the most important person in their lives at that particular moment in time.

It also takes some risk to open yourself up to possible rejection when you first approach someone that you are trying to get to know on that level. But if you do and the two of you click personality wise, its a win-win situation for both parties.

I can't comprehend my life without the friends I've made and I'm going to make and don't even want to try to imagine doing so. But unfortunately we have some peeps in this world who believe that it's a waste of time and energy to get to know someone on that level or they don't want friends because they're antisocial, loners or afraid of being hurt.

Have my friends said things to me that pissed me off? Yes.
Have I said things that have hurt my friends feelings? Yes.

That's just a part of life. If you choose them wisely it minimizes those occurences. Sometimes those moments are either unintentional or can't be avoided because you need to hear the unvarnished truth about something even if you aren't in the mood to accept that advice at that time. If your friend didn't love you, they wouldn't speak up and tell you what you needed to hear in the first place.

There are times when you will crack up laughing at each others stories, cry a bit or get on each other's last nerve, but the benefits far outweigh the alternatives of trying to make your way in a world alone.