Grandma Just Got Busted In A Drug Deal

TransGriot Note: It's time for another holiday song rewrite! This one was spawned by the news that Sherry Johnston, mother of Levi Johnston and soon to be grandmother of Levi and Bristol Palin's baby boy, was arrested by Alaska State Police in a drug investigation.

This situation was too irresistible not to put in song format, so fire up those iPod's and sing along with the rewritten holiday lyrics.




Grandma Just Got Busted In A Drug Deal
(sung to the tune of 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer' by the Irish Rovers)

Grandma just got busted in a drug deal
By Alaska state police before Christmas Eve
Because the other grandma is the governor
Doesn't mean that you'll get a reprieve

She'd been under investigation
For several months as we now know
She'd been selling Oxycontin,
Got busted as she stepped out in the snow.

Bailed her out before Christmas mornin,'
In Wasilla now she's back.
But next month grandma's got a court date
And the DA won't be cutting her any slack

Grandma just got busted in a drug deal
By Alaska state police before Christmas Eve
Because the other grandma is the governor
Doesn't mean that you'll get a reprieve

Now we're all concerned for Levi
He's probably not takin' this so well.
He's been working in the North Slope oil fields
And he's probably hollerin' 'what the hell?'


Bristol's had her baby shower
She's due any day now that's a fact
And we just can't help but wonder:
If Grandma Sarah thinks the situation's wacked?
(Yes, it's wacked)

Grandma just got busted in a drug deal
By Alaska state police before Christmas Eve
Because the other grandma is the governor
Doesn't mean that you'll get a reprieve

Grandma Sarah didn't call a press conference
But she took pains to enunciate
Through a government media spokesperson,
'This isn't a matter of Alaska state'.

So there it is my friends and neighbors.
A story as bizarre as it can be
It's a perfect holiday example
Of conservative family values and hypocrisy

Grandma just got busted in a drug deal
By Alaska state police before Christmas Eve
Because the other grandma is the governor
Doesn't mean that you'll get a reprieve
(Sing it, Sarah)

Grandma just got busted in a drug deal
By Alaska state police before Christmas Eve
Because the other grandma is the governor
Doesn't mean that you'll get a reprieve

I'm The Sidekick John McCain

TransGriot Note: Been a while since I've done one of my song rewrites. Got the idea for this one when I heard the latest attack on Obama concerning his Harvard education. This from someone mind you who graduated 894th out of 898 in his Naval Academy class.

Here's my latest rewrite, so enjoy.


I'm the Sidekick John McCain
(sung to the tune of 'If I Only Had A Brain)

I survived prison cell trauma
Not eloquent as Obama
And crashed too many planes
My scholastic record's spotty
And my attitude is snotty
'Cause I'm the sidekick John McCain

I stepped out on my first honey
For Cindy's Budweiser money
For that I have no shame
I'm conservative as can be
Supported the Bush policies
'Cause I'm the sidekick John McCain

My campaign is grossly failing
'Cause I selected Sarah Palin
For my VP running mate
I don't know economics
And my temper is atomic
'Cause I'm the sidekick John McCain

In this critical election
I expect massive rejection
'Cause Bush and I are the same
The working class gets slammed
And I want to bomb Iran
'Cause I'm the sidekick John McCain



Crossposted from the Bilerico Project

GOP Golddigger

TransGriot Note: it's been a while since I composed a song rewrite for your pleasure. There was also a neat picture I found of an elderly McCain and his wife that I wanted to go with this post, but for some strange reason every time I tried to upload either that picture, one of McCain, or of Cindy, it returned a mysterious 'internal server error' response. Even changing the name of the photo file didn't allow it to be uploaded. Interestingly enough, I don't get that same 'internal server error' response when it comes to pictures of Barack and Michelle Obama. What's up with that?



Sung to the tune of Kanye West's 'Gold Digger'

He takes my money when I'm in need
Yea he's a trifflin' husband indeed
Oh he's a gold digga way over town
That digs on me

Chorus
(He did me wrong)
McCain's a GOP gold digger (When I'm Need)
Cindy made his bank account bigger(He did me wrong)
McCain's a GOP gold digger (When I'm need)
Cindy made his bank account bigger
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down

After Vietnam
Cheerleader had it going on
With truckloads of cash
Under her underarm
Cindy said "John, you rock!"
As she fell for his charm
His wife Carol prayed for his safety
From the Viet Cong
Dumped his first wife for Cindy
Yo homes, have you seen her?
Because Cindy's cash can help in the political arena
Cindy adopts a Bangladeshi kid
Bush used to ruin the 2K presidential bid
Ok you got ya kid I have to bring around my friends
I sold out to the Bushies for my career to extend
But I won the nomination, that's the bed I made
If I'm messing with this girl then I gotta get paid
You know why
It take too much to touch her
Cindy's makeup comes off in huge clusters
But without her my career would be lackluster
Don't care what y'all say yeah, I still love her


(He did me wrong)
McCain's a GOP gold digger (When I'm Need)
Cindy made his bank account bigger(He did me wrong)
McCain's a GOP gold digger (When I'm need)
Cindy made his bank account bigger
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down


14 years, 14 years Carol had your kids
Cindy's also got you for 18 years
John's payin' alimony for dissing her, dig?
His baby momma's car and crib ain't bigger than his
You see McCain on Meet the Press almost every Sunday
But he won't be driving off in a Hyundai
He was supposed to buy the presidency with her money
He went to the doctor and got a facelift with his honey
He walkin' around with a grin so sunny
Barack gonna wipe it off your face in November, sonny
If you're so in love why'd she get a prenup? Say it
SHE GOT A PRENUP, Yeaah
It's something that she felt she needed to have
Cause if you leave her dude she ain't gonna give you half
14 years, 14 years
Cindy didn't tell him she was adopting a kid.

He did me wrong)
McCain's a GOP gold digger (When I'm Need)
Cindy made his bank account bigger(He did me wrong)
McCain's a GOP gold digger (When I'm need)
Cindy made his bank account bigger
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down (I gotta leave)
get down boy go head get down

You're a GOP gold digger and you got needs
McCain said she wears too much makeup and insulted her weave
Bailed out your broke campaign in your time of need
You publicly called her the C-word, damn homes she's peeved
But you peeps outside the beltway need to watch him
While half your check ends up putting gas in your Datsun
McCain got that presidential ambition look in his eyes
In November it'll be Obama taking the prize
With Michelle his only wife standing by his side
McCain's trying to win but his heart ain't right
How you dissed Carol, keep spinning, awight?
McCain you really make me hurl
Dumping your wife for a younger white girl

Get down boy go head get down
Get down boy go head get down
get down boy go head get down
get down boy go head
(can you play that back)


Cross posted to The Bilerico Project

They Hate Moni

TransGriot Note: I know I said a few days ago that the 'Hate on Haters' post would be the last time I wasted bandwidth on these WWBT clowns. But it has come to my attention that one of my WWBT haters went nuclear in their 'Attack Monica' campaign on her blog. Since I'm not even going to respond to her diatribe, I was inspired this morning to do one of my infamous song rewrites about this situation.

They Hate Moni
Sung to the tune of 'They Want Money' by Kool Moe Dee

I'm thrivin'
They’re hating on me
All the so called WWBT’s
While I’m kicking knowledge
They rant incessantly
And incoherently
No need to deny to me
You latte-drinking heifers don't like Moni
While screamin' and yellin' like crazed banshees
No I ain't got no time for you tricksters
But slide your number
And I might chat with ya
You calling me racist
You shouldn't of said that
You played yourself
And I know where your heads at
Jealous of you don't make me laugh
You tramps all want my autograph
Or wanna be me so bad maybe
But I ain't sweating you so-called ladies
Forget all the silly rumors you heard
Here's the deal so spread the word

Yo,
I’m laughin’ at you girlfriend
Yo,
More woman than you are
Yo,
Proud of my history
The WWBT’s
Naw, they hate Moni

And I can see 'em a mile away
And when they act up
I just smile and say
Back up off me
Smell the coffee
Keep screamin' and plottin'
You mental softies

Watchin' you fume from the second I diss ya
Hear racist bile in your careless whispers
I know the game it's old and lame
Peeps respect my name and it drives you insane
I’m livin’ life and that pisses you off, hon
You’re home alone while I’m having fun
WWBT’s are whacked, yeah I said that
It ain't fiction it's a plain fact
Intellectually hanging with me come on
Your brains are already too far gone
I’ve got style
I’ve got class
You WWBT’s are nothin’ but crass

Yo,
I’m laughing at you girlfriend
Yo,
More woman than you are
Yo,
Proud of my history
The WWBT’s
Naw, they hate Moni

The WWBT crew I'm givin' them fits
‘Cause this transsistah is mad legit
I don’t sell woof tickets or take no shh..
Whatever I post it’s getting hits
So listen ladies and take the hint
I’m not an intellectual wimp
Oops, got an interview be back in a flash
Is that your dentures I’m hearing gnash?
Tired of wasting precious bandwidth
Admit you’re bitter and deal with it
So they wanna hate on
The media master
Keep proving my points
You’re social disasters
Neocoochie? Don’t care if you have one
Sorry that nothing’s happening
In your bedrooms to make you grin
You girls keep trying to crash my party
One day you might become somebody

Yo,
I’m laughing at you girlfriend
Yo,
More woman than you are
Yo,
Proud of my history
The WWBT’s
Naw, they hate Moni

HRC The Fake Civil Rights Org

TransGriot Note: Once again, in the spirit of the Christmas season, another one of my infamous song rewrites. Grab some egg nog, Christmas cookies, sing along and celebrate the lump of coal that HRC and Barney put in your civil rights Christmas stocking. Merry Christmas!


HRC The Fake Civil Rights Org
(sung to the tune of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)


HRC, the fake civil rights org
Plays inside the Beltway games
And if you ever saw them
You'd be appalled, shocked and ashamed

United ENDA and Tammy Baldwin
Pleaded with HRC in vain
To keep all of us poor transpeeps
Included in the ENDA game

Then one muggy DC eve
Barney came to say
"You transpeople don't desetve your rights"
"I'm cutting you out of ENDA tonight"

Aravosis and Chris Crain loved it
Rich white gays shouted out with glee
"Thanks HRC and Barney"
For keeping ENDA gay only

You're A Mean One, Barney Frank

sung to the tune of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
by Dr. Seuss
Copyright © 1957, Dr. Seuss.

TransGriot Note: In the spirit of the season, dedicated to the Grinch Who Stole Civil Rights for transpeople.



You're a mean one, Barney Frank.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Barney Frank

You're a bad Congressional banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, Barney Frank.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain's got convoluted logic,
You've got transphobia in your soul.
Barney Frank.

I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.


You're a vile one, Barney Frank.
You have duplicity in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Barney Frank.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crocodile.

You're a foul one, Barney Frank
You're a nasty, cantankerous skunk.
You cut transpeople out of ENDA
Your soul is full of gunk.
Barney Frank

The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

You're a liar, Barney Frank
You're the king of sinful snots.
Your Mattachinesque plot
Accelerates your moral rot,
Barney Frank

Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.


You nauseate me, Barney Frank.
We'll scream about it till were hoarse.
Your crooked legal jockeying
Triggered this negative discourse.
Barney Frank

You're a duplictous lying transhating scumbag.
That's par for the course

I'm The ENDA Bill

sung to the tune of 'I'm Just A Bill' from ABC's Schoolhouse Rock
Music & Original Lyrics by Dave Frishberg
Performed by Jack Sheldon, 1975



You sure gotta climb a lotta steps to get to this Capitol Building here in Washington. But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?


I'm the ENDA bill
Yes I'm the ENDA Bill
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill



It's been a long hard road
To the capital city
HRC and some gays have been acting real shitty
But I know I'll be a law someday
Oh how and hope and pray that I will
But today I'm still the ENDA bill

Gee, bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage.

Well, I got this far. When I started, I wasn't even a bill - I was just an idea. Some folks back home decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local congressman and he "You're right, there ought to be a law." Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to Congress, and I became a bill. And I'll remain a bill until they decide to make me a law.


I'm the ENDA bill
Yes I'm the ENDA bill
And I got as far as Capitol Hill
I'm waiting for Congress and Barney Frank
To determine my fate
While gays and trannies
Fight, cuss and debate
Is gender identity in the bill today?
Oh how I hope and pray that it is
But today I'm still the ENDA bill


Listen to those congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

Yes. I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get this far. I hope they decide to report on me favorably, otherwise I may die.
Die?
Yeah, die in committee.

Oooh! But it looks like I'm gonna live. Now I go to the House of Representatives and they vote on me.
If they vote "yes", what happens?
Then I go to the Senate and the whole thing starts all over again.
Oh no!
Oh yes!

I'm the ENDA bill
Yes I'm the ENDA bill
And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill
Well then it's off to the White House
Where I'll wait for some time
The fundies will tell Bush
"This ENDA one you don't sign"
No override I won't become a law
Oh how I hope and pray that I will
But today I'm still the ENDA bill

You mean even if the whole Congress says you should be a law, the President can still say no?

Yes, that's called a "veto". If the President vetoes me, I have to go back to Congress, and they vote on me again, and by that time it's...

By that time, it's very unlikely that you'll become a law. It's not easy to become a law, is it?

No, But how I hope and pray that I will
But today I'm still the ENDA bill

The New Barney Theme Song

(Sung to the tune of the Theme From Barney)
Dedicated to the transphobic congressman from Massachusetts

I love you, you love me
But I don't if you are T
With a wink and a nudge to my friends at HRC
Took transpeeps out of ENDA, yes sirree.

The GOP Hates Science

Sung to the tune of 'She Blinded Me With Science’ by Thomas Dolby’




It's ignorance in motion
The science hating GOP
They’re causing a commotion
Hating peeps that are GLBT
But the GOP hates science
"The GOP hates science!"
Because they failed biology

Stem cell research won’t occur
‘Cause the GOP hates science-science!"

"Science!"

Kissing up to the fundies
"The GOP hates science-science!"

"Science!"
"Science!"

Mmm - but it's ignorance in motion
The science hating GOP
They’re causing a commotion
Hating peeps that are GLBT
The GOP hates science
"The GOP hates science!"
Because they also failed geometry

Global warming’s a myth you see
"The GOP hates science - science!"
"Science!"
Mmm Mmm, Mmm Mmm- Rig voting booth machinery
"The GOP hates science - science!"
"Science!"

It's ignorance in motion
Fox News constantly lies to me
They’re causing a commotion
Messed with our nation’s harmony
The GOP hates science
"The GOP hates science!"
Hate SRS technology

"Good heavens Miss Sakamoto - you're a transsexual!"

Hey -I don't believe it!
They’re on CNN!
Talking that 'intelligent design' BS again!
All the anti-gay research
And junk science books
Based on Biblical contortions

But- It's ignorance in motion
The science hating GOP
They’re causing a commotion
Hating peeps that are GLBT
Oh - but the GOP hates science
"The GOP hates Science!"
The GOP hates -

Irreplaceable

Sung to the tune of 'Irreplacable' by Beyonce

To the left, To the left
To the left, To the left
To the left, To the left
My politics are a little to the left
I love my country just as much
My civil rights you please don’t touch
Keep talking that right-wing mess, that's fine
Your prez can’t walk and talk at the same time
Y’all ruined the USA my bad
Took too long to realize that we’ve been had

Right-wing talk shows yappin’ telling me
How we're all such fools - Talking about
How we'll never vote out peeps like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a new congressman/senator any minute
Be better when your opponent wins it- baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a better America by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call that lobbyist and see if they’re home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Cause you was untrue
Not doing the job I elected you to do
Baby drop them office keys and hurry up before your limo leaves
Right wing talk shows yappin’ telling me
How we're all such fools - Talking about
How we'll never vote out peeps like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a new congressman/senator any minute
Be better when your opponent wins it-baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a better America by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So since you can't help everyone
I’m voting you out of Washington
Because I’m nothing at all to you
I’ll shed tears of happiness, boo
I’m not a mindless sheep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

To the left, To the left
To the left, To the left

To the left, To the left
My politics are a little to the left

To the left
To the left

Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a new congressman/senator any minute
Be better when your opponent wins it - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a better America by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a new congressman/senator any minute
Be better when your opponent wins it - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I'll have a better America by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You Can Call Bush Crazy

sung to the tune of 'You Can Call Me Crazy' by Guy

When Bill was runnin' thangs
America was all right
Bush steals two elections
It got worse overnight
From Cheney, to Rove and that sistahgurl
This administration makes me wanna hurl

They lie, deceive and do it very well
It's embarrassing our president
Can't read, speak, or spell
Y'all know Bush isn't wrapped too tight
Please impeach his azz
And get him out our life

You know that it's true
You can call Bush crazy

You you you
You you you
You can call Bush crazy

You you you
You you you


You know he's boozing it up
May even be coked out
Ask Angela Merkel y'all
If you have any doubts

Dislike for Bush is strong
More bad news every night
Don't care what Faux News says
Y'all know that Bush ain't right

You know that it's true
You can call Bush crazy


You you you
You you you
You can call Bush crazy

You you you
You know that it's true
You can call Bush crazy

You can call Bush crazy (x3)

You can call Bush crazy (x3)

You know that it's true
You can call Bush crazy

You can call Bush crazy (x3)

You know that it's true
You can call Bush crazy

You can call Bush crazy (x3)

You you you
You you you
You you you
You you you
You know that it's true
You can call Bush crazy
(rapid fade to end)

Why We Hate On Gays

photo-Alison Aucone
Penn State student Shawna McCalla confronts Michigan based traveling preacher Tamika Venyah on the PSU campus October 3, 2006 about Venyah's anti-gay views.

'Why We Hate On Gays'
sung to the tune of ‘Why We Sing’ by Kirk Franklin

Someone asked the question
Why we hate on gays?
It has nothing to do with Jesus
It’s how my church gets paid

Someone may be wondering
Isn’t hating on gays wrong?
We’ll quote scripture out of context
And do it all day long

(Chorus)
We hate you ‘cause you’re happy
Don’t want to see the day
That you peeps can get married
That's why we hate on gays

Glory
Hallelujah
Looking for new ways to screw you

Glory
Hallelujah
That’s why we hate on gays

We'll keep on jacking with you
To that we'll say Amen
Get your butts back in the closet
‘Cause you know it is a sin

And if somebody asks you
If you hate gays rich or po’
Lift your hands and be a witness
And tell the whole world
Yo!

(repeat chorus)

When we go to Colorado
To hate on gays some more
We will write more checks to Dobson
The one that we adore

I Won't Vote For Republicans

TransGriot Note: It's Moni's song rewrite time. This one's dedicated to my leat favorite political party. So break out the iPods and sing along with the fresh new lyrics as you head to the polls.

I Won't Vote For Republicans
(sung to the tune of 'I Didn't Mean To Turn You On' by Cherrelle


Gonna vote, no doubt
Know what the GOP's about
Oh yes I did
Y'all are not gonna steer me wrong

Election time, it's on
You tell me, 'Look what I have done for you'
I'm sorry baby, I won't vote for Republicans

You read me wrong
In my home Fox News is not on
I read and think
So I won't vote for Republicans

You read me wrong
In my home Fox News is not on
I read and think
I won't vote for Republicans
Yo, in 2008 you'll all be gone

I know you thought I bought that song and dance
When I refused, you didn't want to understand
I told you twice, you GOPers aren't real nice
Really aren't real nice
So, I won't vote for Republicans

You read me wrong
In my home Fox News is not on
I read and think
I won't vote for Republicans

Why do you insult me 'cause I vote for
'Cause I freely vote for Dems
And I won't for Republicans
No, No, No, No...I

I won't vote for Republicans
Bye bye bye bye
I won't vote for Republicans
Bye bye bye bye
I won't vote for Republicans
Y'all screwed the country, baby
(repeat until fade)

In Iraqinam

sung to the tune of 'Village Ghetto Land' by Stevie Wonder)

Would you like to patrol with me
Down this Baghdad street?
Would you like to come with me
To Iraqinam?

See the soldiers kick down doors
While insurgents kidnap and steal
Car bombings and IED's
Taking lives, legs and hands

Firefights break out everywhere
It's a chaotic scene
Killing plagues the citizens
In a Baghdad less serene

Our troops need to come home now
The American public understands
Neocons laugh, get rich and drink
While ignoring our demands

America should stay the course
Says the commander in chief
Iraqis and us burying our dead
While we all express our grief

Neocons say we should be happy
'Cause there's no more Saddam
Tell me would you be happy
In Iraqinam?

Santa Baby (TG Version)

TransGriot Note: Santa Baby has always been one of my favorite Christmas songs, so I got the humorous idea one day of singing the song from a transwoman's point of view.


Sung to the tune of `Santa Baby' by Eartha Kitt





Santa Baby, just slip some hormones under the tree,
For me.
Been an awful good girl, Santa Baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, I need some electrolysis, too
I do.
I'll wait up for you dear, Santa Baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa I am being dissed.
'Cause I was born a mister and
Not born a miss
Next year, I'll be really good
If you'll check off
my surgery wish list

Santa Baby, I want lipo to make me look hot
Why not?
Been an angel all year, Santa Baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa, Honey, one little thing
I really need, indeed
Round trip tickets on an airline, Santa Baby.
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa Cutie, an early date for my SRS
Please check.
Kunaporn will be fine, Santa Cutie,
And hurry down the chimney tonight.

After my recovery,
I'll need to change my name from Ted to Tiffany.
I really do believe in you.
Let's see if you believe in me.

Santa Baby, please remove the ding-a-ling,
By spring.
I don't want it no more, Santa Baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
Hurry . . . Tonight